My balding story isn’t dramatic. I started noticing my hair thinning in early college. One day, the stylist cutting my hair had a suggestion: “What do you think about shaving your head? I think it’d look good.”
I liked the idea, other than feeling like I was spending too much money to have someone else shave my hair. (I later learned that making a shaved head look good involves more than just using a #1 clipper all around and calling it a day.) I had rocked a shorter buzz cut as a kid in the ‘90s when the style had a cultural moment (anyone remember Keanu Reeves in Speed?). Why not try it?
I came to love the hairstyle, even if I didn’t necessarily love losing hair. It actually did look good—to me, anyway, which is what matters. I’ve kept up the habit of clipping my hair at home with that trusty #1 attachment and cleaning up the edges (see best head shavers), or going to a much more talented barber who uses a straight or foil razor, ever since. I love the ease of not dealing with hair, at least up top, especially in summer. My barber knows to spend more time shaping up my beard. When you have less happening on your dome, it's especially important to frame your face with facial hair.
Related: A Barber's Guide to Cutting Your Own Hair at Home
But not every guy is okay with losing his hair. Actually, many guys are acutely insecure about exactly that. Some begrudgingly accept it. Others get stuck in denial. They want to cling to the full-haired dude they were, not the one with the receding hairline that grows thinner every year, moving back farther. So they find styles that help flatter what they have. Or they try to conceal what’s gone.
At some point, whether you’re interested in exploring a hair retention routine to preserve your hair (and/or going the transplant route—no judgment here), a man must face the increasingly obvious: You. Are. Balding.
But what should that man do about it, exactly? And if he has trouble facing the issue (let’s be honest, he does know), should someone mention it to him? And how do you tell a friend or partner or loved one that, “Hey, you know you’re balding, right?”
This isn’t easy for anyone to bring up, including someone like me who's confidently embraced their baldness. I don’t feel comfortable bringing up someone else’s hair loss to them, even if it might help. The reason is simple: It’s mortifying!
It turns out, of course, I’m not alone. My friend Katharine does not mince words (she's vocal about how noisily I eat soup), but even she holds back on this front.
“I'm sensitive about my weight. The same way I wouldn't comment on someone's body—that includes all of their body, their head—I wouldn't want someone to comment on my body unsolicited,” she says. “My approach is, if the guy wants to talk about it with me, let's talk about it. But I'm not going to be like, Hey, here's this thing I noticed that you're probably deeply insecure about, because that just does not seem ethical. Not chill.”
Still, she does have open conversations with male friends all the time, including me. (She also happens to be studying to become a licensed therapist.) What to do when the hair loss situation comes up?
Related: Every Men’s Haircut You Need to Know—and How to Get It Done Exactly Right
“I had one recent conversation with a friend who was concerned about balding and has really, really expressed a fear of shaving it or cutting it down really short. They already know they're not going to like how they look bald, and he feels connected to his hair and the idea of having hair. So that friend said that he wanted to go to Turkey [for a hair transplant],” Katharine says.
“I think the main way [to address his hair loss] was just to listen and affirm. I just tried to be really complimentary. Let him know how handsome I saw him, and that I think he would look just as handsome no matter what his hair looked like. I tried to validate what he was feeling rather than the circumstances and everything else.”
Experts tend to agree with this softer way. Serious mental-health fallout related to self image is never out of the question, after all.
Related: Thinking About Getting a Hair Transplant? Here's Everything You Need to Know
The overall best approach, it seems, according to those who know and, yes, this bald guy right here, is to feel out how he is feeling about the hair loss before saying anything yourself. You may not know how this dude is looking at himself.
“If you present the topic as a grave, serious, emotional subject, he might feel that his baldness is a big deal and something to be ashamed of,” relationship coach Maya Maria Brown told Elle in a guide all about cozying up to a guy who’s balding. “When you start the conversation, rather than steering it into the depths of complex emotions, leave the floor open for him to let you know his mindset."
Or, if you have the chutzpah, do what my hair stylist did once upon a time. Casually suggest that they would actually rock a shaved head like Keanu in 1994. I’m thankful for that stylist often. She didn’t make me, or my hair, feel lesser. Actually, she made me feel kind of hot. Just take a look at these bald actors if you need any more reassuring.
