The term “narcissist” has popped up a lot more often over the past few years thanks to social media awareness, leading many people to suspect that they might know a narcissist or two.
In some cases, individuals have reached the conclusion that they had a narcissistic parent or parents — and that this likely had a major impact on their development as a child and into adulthood.
No one has better insight on this than therapists. We asked mental health professionals to share the most common topics children of narcissists bring up in their sessions. Here are the patterns they’ve noticed.
Eamonn McKay, a licensed marriage and family therapistat the mental health platform Octave, said that oftentimes, children of narcissists have been told they can never do anything right, which leads them to second-guess any decision they make.
“This will often result in “analysis paralysis,” a state in which the child or adult can’t make a decision independently, often resolving only with further guidance by the abusive party or some trusted other,” McKay said.
In some way, everyone can have trouble making decisions at some point in their lives, perhaps when it comes to deciding on a job or an apartment switch, but children of narcissistic parents tend to have even more difficulty.
It is difficult for many people to find a partner that suits them. However, children of narcissists tend to struggle even more with choosing healthy partners in their intimate relationships.
“We all learn about intimacy from our experiences with our primary attachment figures (usually your parents) and choose partners with the hope that they will help to heal our unresolved childhood trauma,” said Dr. Frank Anderson, a psychiatrist and author of To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma and Transformation.
“Kids of narcissistic parents tend to pick partners who are controlling, highly reactive, and self-absorbed, because it’s what’s familiar to them,” Anderson continued. “They are usually passive in relationships because they learned to focus on their parent’s needs instead of their own.”
Heather Stevenson, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City, said children of narcissistic parents tend to learn how to minimise, dismiss or avoid their own needs, feelings and wants, instead sacrificing themselves to make their parents happy.
“This often leads to people pleasing tendencies from having been conditioned to put someone else’s needs above their own,” Stevenson said.
Aside from having trouble identifying their own needs, many children of narcissistic parents have low self-esteem and lack self-confidence in different areas of their lives.
“Many of these children have never experienced unconditional love,” Anderson said. “The recognition they received was conditional and tied to vigilantly focusing on their parents’ well-being. They tend to be conflict avoidant, struggle to speak up as adults, and fear anger and rejection when someone is upset with them.”
According to Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele, many children of narcissistic parents bring up that they generally felt unheard by their caregivers and others in their lives.
“Narcissistic parents are more authoritarian and believe that their thoughts matter most,” Leno said. “Children notice when their parents over-talk or refuse to listen and under such circumstances, children exit conversations feeling frustrated and confused.”
This might not be a topic you’d think of right away when it comes to what children of narcissistic parents talk about in therapy. However, it’s actually more common than you think.
“When children of narcissistic parents enter the workforce, they often choose professions that involve caretaking others, such as health care workers, therapists, or teachers,” Anderson said. “They enter therapy feeling burnt out and overwhelmed by their career choice, discussing how they take care of people all day at work and come home needing to take care of family members, too. They rarely have spaces in their lives where they are the priority and their needs are primary.”
Not only do children of narcissists tend to talk about how they have trouble setting boundaries, but also how they often feel responsible for the feelings and well-being of others.
According to Stevenson, people who have grown up with a narcissistic parent may have felt the need to put the parents’ emotional needs above their own and therefore took on the feeling of emotional responsibility for others.
“Without learning to separate themselves from others’ emotional state[s], they become caretakers for other people’s feelings without ever having to be asked,” Stevenson said. ”This can show up in relationships with friends, significant others, even coworkers, where they will feel responsible for making other people happy and have a hard time saying no or advocating for themselves even if it comes at a cost.”
If any of this sounds familiar, working with a therapist can help. While past experiences may shape your adult life, they don’t have to dictate it. Reach out to a mental health expert ― they can help you navigate these challenges and thrive.
