WE ALL want to have good sex, but sometimes it feels like no matter what you try you can never quite finish.
When you watch films or hear others speak about sex, they often suggest they see fireworks every time, but in reality, that’s not the case.
Thankfully, Paul Brunson, a relationship expert on Channel 4‘s Married At First Sight and podcast host, sat down with sexpert and Dr Karen Gurney to reveal her tips to guarantee an orgasm.
Speaking on Paul’s podcast, We Need To Talk, she said: “There is no such thing as being good in bed. It’s an absolute myth.
“Because sex isn’t a skill like, I don’t know, playing the violin, that if you practice it enough, you’ll become very accomplished at.”
Like with most things in life, she explained sex needs to be enjoyable for us to want it, otherwise it’s like turning up for work.
The first myth that needs to be debunked is that sex is always penetrative sex.
Sex can be done in many ways including on your own, same-sex, with multiple people, foreplay – you name it, having an orgasm can happen in many ways, and so long as you enjoy it that is all that matters.
We all know sex is more enjoyable at the beginning of the relationship and Dr Karen says that’s because it’s al brand new.
“Orgasms are easier to come by, perhaps at the start of a relationship when there’s lots of novelty, lots of newness, lots of difference, high attraction, high arousal, high mystery,” she explained
“And that might become more challenging over time. So good sex is really about being able to completely let yourself go with another person.”
Often, when we experience ‘bad sex’ it’s because we’re not fully in the moment.
According to the doctor, 92% of people have non-sexual thoughts while having intercourse – they can range from thinking about if you turned the cooker off to your mind wandering to body insecurities.
She added: “Those thoughts are really common, really normal, nothing to worry about.
“But the opposite of being completely absorbed in the moment, which is this great sex we’ve talked about, is having a running commentary going through your head of all of the things you’re thinking about or worrying about.”
There are plenty of statistics on the orgasm gap in genders but the worst rates are found between male and female partners.
Women having sex with regular male partners can expect the orgasm rate to drop from 95 percent to about 65 percent, whereas men’s doesn’t drop.
There are numerous reasons for this, says Dr Karen who advises people not to think of penetrative sex as the only way to perform.
Women tend to put foreplay and masturbation above penetrative sex to reach orgasm so make sure to mix up the ways you have sex and find what works for you, even if that means no penetration.
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As we’ve established, no one is good in bed, rather it’s about open communication with your partner about what you do and don’t like.
Faking an orgasm isn’t going to get you any closer to the end goal so it’s time to be assertive says the sexpert.
It might be tricky at first but try to open up the conversation and say what feels good.
The more you talk the closer you’ll get, and if you aren’t sure what you like, you’ll soon find out.
The term sexual currency was coined by Dr. Karen and refers to the sexual charge between you and your sexual partner. Not acts of sex.
The time we spend on actually having sex in a year is tiny, so often it’s what happens outside of the bedroom that matters and fuels desire.
She explained: “Our sex life is always happening. It’s not an on-off switch. So we’ve not got a sexual relationship with our partner and then we have sex and we’re having a sexual relationship.
“We’ve always got a sexual relationship with our partner. And that’s the sexual currency.”
This can include anything from holding hands, long kisses, grabbing bums or suggestive comments.
To keep desire going, the sexpert recommends keeping up with the sexual currency in day-to-day life.
