THE Reverend Richard Coles was up to his arse in fish guts and spiders during the last Bushtucker Trial of I’m A Celebrity, when Dec asked him: “What do you want to drink tonight?”
But he didn’t miss a beat with the reply.
“If anyone could get a Chablis Grand Cru, that would be great.”
And at that precise moment I knew that, as much as I wanted him to win, he definitely wasn’t going to win.
Five minutes later?
The Reverend Richard was gone and so was any hope for a series that could be summed up by just two words.
A chore.
It was literally the case, most days, in fact, be- cause no episode was complete without prolonged discussion about jungle duties and who the hell was going to do the washing-up/log carrying/water fetching now that Melvin/Tulisa/the annoying camp one off Radio 1 had gone.
Tiresome as it was, though, the chore rota was at least preferable to series 24’s other default setting, which involved campmates “opening up about” either the dreadful C-list torments they suffer from being in the public spotlight, while steadfastly refusing to leave the public spotlight, or their mental health issues.
A self-indulgence ITV was so keen to honour that when Danny Jones came out he said the jungle camp “felt like a safe space” and “therapy”.
ITV is dumb enough to have treated this as a compliment, obviously, but it’s actually a pretty damning verdict on I’m a Celebrity, which I always thought was meant to be the most dangerous and unpredictable show on television, rather than an off-shoot of This Morning’s green room.
It’s a mood that also played into the hands of contestants like ITV’s Oti Mabuse and ITV’s Coleen Rooney, to such an extent that some naive fools actually thought one of them might win this three-week pity party, as the weekend’s final approached.
With the greatest of disrespect to these people, there was not a cat in hell’s chance of that ever happening while the camp also included ITV’s Danny Jones, a member of McFly, a band whose grip on this show is as vice-like as it is unhelpful.
The McFly tail is definitely wagging the Network dog now and I’d be quite happy to let them get on with this painfully slow suicide pact as well
Dougie Poynter won the 11th series, Tom Fletcher’s wife Giovanna triumphed during the awful Welsh hiatus and if viewers ever felt like changing that pattern, ITV had some less-than-subtle tactics to win them back round, from the McFly-heavy soundtrack to the fact they even threw in his bloody guitar when the singalongs threatened to die down too much in that McFly-ridden camp.
Given that he’s a fixture on The Voice: UK, ITV will no doubt think this victory is mutually beneficial. It’s clearly not, though. It reveals a massive insecurity, on behalf of the show.
For the McFly tail is definitely wagging the Network dog now and I’d be quite happy to let them get on with this painfully slow suicide pact as well, but for one thing. I still absolutely love I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
It’s got the best backdrop of any show on television and the best presenters, who were running on empty and a three-week-old joke about Barry McGuigan’s eyesight by the end of this series.
What it also deserves are decent bookers and a winner like the Reverend Richard Coles who was, by a distance, the smartest, toughest, least selfish finalist, with a turn of phrase that allowed him to describe the Dreaded Dregs drinks as tasting like “the spittoon from a Shanghai hookers’ bar” (I’ll take his word for it) and “smelling of arse death”. I’ll take his word for it, again.
But he was also endlessly self-deprecating and so sharp he beat Ant and Dec to the punch when they presented him with: “Chicken bumsticks.”
“For what we are about to receive . . . ”
May the Lord make us reasonably thankful.
Amen.
ITV’S You Bet! reappeared at the weekend, without any public demand or even a suggestion they’d remembered it was ever on in the first place.
You have to conclude, then, it’s part of the network’s plan to reintroduce Holly Willoughby to gentle light-entertainment duties, because it certainly wasn’t an “all too rare opportunity” to see her co-host Stephen Mulhern or panellists, like Alison Hammond and Rob Beckett, whose job it was to give a toss about the contestants’ “extra-ordinary challenges.”
These mostly followed the old You Bet! blueprint and involved harmless dorks showcasing their obsessions, like Anthony who attempted to identify a Wimpy quarter pounder from a whole tower of burgers and was told, in all apparent sincerity, by Holly: “Your family will be so proud, if you’re right.”
(He was.) Less than 20 minutes into the reboot, though, it suddenly felt like the Record Breakers gang had wandered off into the Crack Zone at Glastonbury and we were introduced to Martin and Trixie, from Reading, who reckoned they could identify five types of cactus, blindfolded, just by licking them.
Rob Beckett quite rightly chose the most bulbous, green and suggestive specimens available and you’d have sworn you were then watching downloads from Porn Hulk and someone was about to get a burst of Bruce Banner’s super soldier serum, as the pair went to work on them.
Throughout it all, however, Holly’s grim determination to see this piece of crap through to the bitter end never wavered and she even finished the show with a cheerful: “We’ll see you next time for another feast of epic, weird and wonderful challenges.” I wouldn’t bet on it, though.
YOU Bet! Holly Willoughby: “Come on then, Alison (Hammond), what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever licked?”
Hugh Jackman’s rear end, on This Morning. Repeatedly.
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What Welsh mountain is the principal massif in the Snowdonia mountains?”
Sandra: “Ben Nevis.”
Bradley Walsh: “What potatoes were named to commemorate a coronation in 1902?”
Greg: “Prince Albert.”
Tipping Point: Lucky Stars, Ben Shephard: “The national men’s field hockey team of which Antipodean country is known as the Kookaburras?”
Bobby Norris: “Africa.”
Ben Shephard: “The common expression that refers to trickery or deception is smoke and what?”
Olivia Attwood: “Feathers.”
CELEBRITY Cyclone remaining the second most overrated thing on the planet, behind Banksy.
C4’s ever-gutless The Last Leg abandoning its Dick of the Year award the moment Britain gets a Labour government.
Advertisers who are too pathetically woke to say the word “Christmas”.
And that surplus-to-requirements moment when pork-obsessed Will explained how to make “a pig’s ear” of things in the MasterChef: The Professionals kitchen to Gregg Wallace.
No need, Will. He’s got this one.
STEVE BOWER: “West Ham have been fourth best in this game.”
Paul Merson: “Sometimes you can make a correct mistake.”
And Simon Thomas: “Eighty-three per cent of Arsenal’s corners have been inswingers. All of them, inswingers.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month. I’m A Celeb, Rev Richard Coles: “I think GK’s original and witty and funny and great.”
Dean McCullough: “I’ve grown up watching I’m a Celebrity.” Grown up?
And Legends Of Comedy, Lenny Henry: “I would do anything to make an audience laugh.”
Except, perhaps, the obvious.
GRACE DENT: “Do you have any ideas, 21 days, all-inclusive, for a very, very stressed TV presenter?”
Yeah, Gaza.
URGENT clarification, RE: MasterChef: The Professionals.
“You’ve got firm little dumplings in there,” was Gregg Wallace’s verdict on Dan’s starter, not the production assistant.
BBC2’S superb documentary Lena Zavaroni: The Forgotten Child Star, above, which could probably have done with another half hour, but still rooted me to the spot.
David Attenborough’s footage of the vanishingly rare Gobi bears marching purposefully off to a desert oasis, on BBC1’s Asia series.
EastEnders apparently forgetting Bianca was abducted at the beginning of November (It’s appreciated). C4’s Guy Martin: Arctic Warrior.
And a Viennese waltz, performed to Metallica, by Dianne Buswell and comedian Chris McCausland, who deserve to win Strictly for all sorts of positive inspirational reasons and the fact at least two of the other finalists, Tasha and Sarah, want and need it far too much.
THIS week’s winner is former satirist Ian Hislop and Zig from Zig And Zag.
Sent in by D Boyd, Prestwick. Lookalike of the week wins a copy of Through Their Eyes by Billy MacLeod from the charity Veterans In Action.
