Courtesy of Amber Wimberly
It was like a whirlwind romance: finding the right college, applying, getting accepted, and finally moving in. My son was so happy with his college decision. Everything was magical — until it wasn't.
When my son, Jack, chose California State University Maritime Academy, it seemed like an absolutely perfect fit. He could major in oceanography, take classes aboard ships, and get hands-on experience. There were summer trips to Nicaragua to plant coral. I saw Facebook posts of students in Morocco holding monkeys. It appeared to be the college experience that everyone wanted for their child.
For a while, everything was perfect. Jack would wake up and go to "formation" in uniform at 7 a.m., and then he would take water samples around the bay to examine under microscopes in the lab.
It was a dream come true for Jack. As his mother, It was also a dream come true for me to see him so happy and creating a future for himself.
That was until the phone calls started, and he said he didn't fit in socially at the school.
A couple of months in, Jack told me he was having difficulty finding friends. I responded, "You will find your people. Keep trying."
He volunteered, joined clubs, and put himself out there. I mailed him cases of Girl Scout cookies to walk around and hand out; I mean, who doesn't love a free box of Thin Mints? He would leave his door open and offer his vacuum to people if they wanted to borrow it. He was trying at school, and I was trying from home. We are not quitters.
When winter break rolled around, he came home and told me he didn't want to return. I should have listened, but I didn't.
"You made a commitment; you need to see the year through," I told him.
Upon returning from break, he found that his roommate had moved out. Jack was given no warning and no reason. My son was crushed, and his self-esteem dipped even lower, but I kept encouraging him. However, he never found his tribe.
It wasn't until I visited the college campus that I realized the problem.
Jack, who is gay, was at a very conservative college. Who he fundamentally is at his core doesn't seemingly match with the large percentage of conservative young men that attend the school.
The other kids were tackling each other in the halls and having Nerf wars, which Jack would have joined if he had felt welcomed. Instead, Jack was often quietly in his room with a video game. Sadly, it seemed he would never fit in, no matter how hard he tried.
The school itself wasn't bigoted or against LGBTQ+ people. The college had a gay-straight alliance club that Jack attended, along with the other nine kids
At its core, Jack said in his experience, the student body seemingly had different interests.
Ultimately, at the end of the year, Jack moved home and now attends a community college, where he is working on his general education requirements. If and when he is ready, we will work on finding a new college for him to transfer to.
I now advise high school students and their parents to look at the entire picture when choosing a college. Looking for the perfect academic program is fantastic, but not the end of the road when finding the right college to attend.
Kids need to examine the majors, the social life on campus, and the vibe of the surrounding city. The school's entire culture needs to be analyzed so students know what they will be in for on campus.
After his experience, Jack is somewhat disillusioned with the college experience. As a mother, I wish I had done more to find a better fit for him. There is nothing wrong with going to a community college, but for most, it's a stepping stone toward a four-year college.
I'm not sure Jack will be making that step, and that's OK — as long as it's what's best for him and he's with his people.
Editor's Note: California State University Maritime Academy declined a request for comment.
