Photo released by NYPD of man suspected of shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson
The following dialogue was overheard in a coffee shop not far from the Hilton on 6th Avenue, New York City, where the murder of UnitedHealthcare executive Brian Thompson took place. My booth was next to that of the speakers. Inaudible words or phrases are indicated by bracketed ellipses […].
One of the pair was a woman, late 60s or early 70s, long, grey hair, dressed in black, tattoos on her arms, Queens accent, and theatrical gestures. An artist or actress? The other was a man, about the same age, with wire-frame glasses, tweed sports jacket, grey hair emerging from beneath a black mariner’s cap, and clipped, unaccented diction. A writer or professor?
He: “[…] Thompson wore no hat or overcoat, so must have been staying at a nearby hotel. The Hilton has all the charm of a bus station. The Pierre? Plaza? Sherry-Netherland?”
She: “No. A cheapskate. He was at the Marriot, a block away — another dump. Pinched pennies […] worked at PriceWaterhouseCoopers before UHC – that’s why he was hired; didn’t know fuck-all about healthcare.”
He: “The average price of a New York hotel room is about 450 bucks. The heads of those hotel chains ought to be watching their backs too. You still think this was a professional hit?”
She: “Yup.”
He: “No way. First, he’s too young. Unless he was a freshman at Hitman U. And who would send out a newbie to whack the boss of one of the biggest insurance companies in the country […] the world? They had revenue of $400 billion last year: more than Exxon-Mobil — another popular company.”
She: “Exactly my point! This was a job for a professional. Anyway, the shooter […] not so young – just a nice smile. Look at the planning! Cash-only hostel, hoodie, mask, gun, bike, taxi, and trains. The $300 Peak Design backpack was genius too. At the hostel, that’s all people noticed! And now, guess what? Poof! He’s gone. Fuhgeddaboudit – he’s a pro!”
He: “Dunno. Lots of crimes go unsolved, even murders in Manhattan – about 25,000 since 1980.” [He was right. In New York State, there are 30,316 unsolved murders – mostly in NYC.] “And it doesn’t take a genius to know there are cameras everywhere and plan accordingly. Even the Lone Ranger wore a mask!”
She: “Ranger, shmanger. This guy knows his stuff. Who else would use a silencer, buying himself a few more seconds for his getaway.”
He: “Then how do you explain the words ‘delay, deny, depose’ written on the bullet casings? He was making a point about bad payouts. I think this was just […] kid whose grannie got offed by UHC. That was UHC’s special sauce – they denied nursing care to old people who had strokes or broken hips. Or they tossed them out on the streets before they were ready. How […] is that! Humana was even worse. I wonder who’s their CEO?”
She: “I looked it up. James Rechtin, another gonif, hired last year. His specialty at his previous job at Envison Health was jacking up emergency room costs by ensuring out-of-network doctors poked their heads in whenever possible. And then surprise! Huge bills! Envison got burned by a congressional law, the No-Surprises Act and declared bankruptcy in 2023. Guess who benefitted from that? UHC, Humana, and the other big providers! Oh, and UHC’s top campaign recipient? Kamala. But they gave almost equally to Republican candidates – equal opportunity healthcare scam. And what happened to Envision Health? Not to worry – they came out of chapter 11 last year, jettisoning $8 billion in debt along the way. So, you still think this was just some poor guy from Columbus, Ohio, who plotted a complex Manhattan murder in between passing the stuffing and cranberry sauce at the family Thanksgiving dinner?”
He: “Um, you make some good points…But how do you explain the messages on shell casings? ‘Delay’ and ‘deny’ is how UHC makes its money!”
She: “A ruse, red herring. You’re so romantic. You think the shooter was a young Che who decided to the rid the world, one by one, of corporate criminals in revenge for killing his grannie. […] You think he’s the vanguard of a new movement? Dream on.”
He: “Geez, yeah, I was thinking he was a kind of Robin Hood, only, um, a little more violent. Of course, I don’t approve of gun violence” [He said this loudly, as if for eavesdroppers.] “But can you imagine the impact of an, um, crime spree directed at the major heads of U.S. and multi-national corporations? Somebody could write a book like How to Blowup a Pipeline, only with info about disguises, accessories, budget accommodations and cash travel. [Both laugh nervously.]
She: “Fodors for hitmen! It sounds like you are coming around to my point of view: It was a professional job. The shooter […] recruited by one set of corporate criminals to off another corporate criminal who was stealing their share — basically a Mafia hit.”
He: “That might also explain the Monopoly money found in the backpack: It was a dark joke between corporate titans. But I thought you said it was policy holders who were being ripped off? “
She: “Not only. Last year, Thompson and his UHC chums dumped $120 million in stock while the company was being investigated for anti-trust violations, weeks before anybody else found out. Shareholders lost 25 billion in that deal! So, follow the money. Vanguard Capital owns seven million shares of UHC and Blackrock five million. At about 200 bucks per share that’s…you can do the math. Then there are the Hedge fund suspects: Ben Ackman of Pershing Square Capital; he’s the schmuck who forced the resignation of the Harvard president. Ken Griffin, founder of Citadel, another schmeg. Carl Icahn of Icahn Enterprises, and Steve Cohen from Point72 Assets – he’s the shonda who owns the Mets. They all traded UHC futures. All of them should be called in for questioning!”
He: “Shit, you really know your stuff. Yeah, they ought a be brought into the Midtown Precinct station for police interrogation. I can picture it: hard wooden chair, metal table, bright lights, cold coffee…”
She: “Edward G. Robinson can do the questioning.”
He: “I’d settle for Letitia James…”
The pair then rose from their table, walked to the counter to pay their bill, and left. They seemed happy, as if they had just cracked the case.
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