I’ve been married to my wife for over a decade. Sam and I have two young boys, a leopard gecko and a mortgage to pay. We have individual careers, and we co-own a small business. We are perpetually too busy, and our life together doesn’t look like it once did; parenting is stressful, expensive and exhausting.
Like most couples, we argue about big stuff — finances and the kids — and little stuff, like how to correctly load a dishwasher or what to make for dinner. Though we’re a same-sex couple, we experience universal marriage obstacles and often take out our anxiety on each other. In spite of this, we crave more quality time together, and we struggle to make that happen. There’s never enough time or money, and no one to watch the kids. A dinner date here or there is nice, but we often spend this time ruminating on motherhood and all of its aforementioned challenges.
Still, we’ll tell you that we’re happy. We cherish this life we’ve built together, even when it’s difficult. But once we hit the 10-year mark, we noticed something: Couples around us were splitting up.
We worry that divorce may be contagious, but we say to each other: I feel so bad for them.Aren’t we lucky that we’re still in love, that we communicate? We’re OK, right?
I want to be certain. So I told Sam that we need a tuneup, like getting the oil changed in our cars. We need an outsider to teach us healthier communication skills and provide a safe space to reveal our hang-ups. Sam laughed, “We’re one of the strongest couples we know, and you want us in counselling?” I reminded her that none of our friends believed their marriage would fall apart, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep ours.
But it’s not easy to make the time. And there’s the financial expense. Maybe these are conversations that might be better left unsaid. I talked to Wisconsin-based therapist Gina Senarighi, who agreed that life gets really busy.
“It’s hard to motivate yourself when things are going well,” she said. But she also pointed out that without an accountability measure, “there are lots of little convos that easily accrue emotional interest.”
Sam and I do communicate better in the days following a counselling session. We aren’t so quick to dismiss each other’s ideas. We are more receptive and open to what the other is feeling. Still, I told her after last week’s session, we’re not getting our youngest a bunny for his 5th birthday. I will, however, think beyond a fish and remain open-minded to other low-maintenance animals.
“I really like the idea of seeking counselling before there’s a major problem,” said therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare, who practices in North Carolina. “A therapist can explain things in a way that opens up a new understanding, and brings in a new level of compassion and love.” During our conversation, she told me that she finds counselling couples who are not in crisis to be beautiful work, because “we don’t have to put a fire out first.”
Both Seeger DeGeare and Senarighi have experience with couples who are doing tuneups, like me and Sam, as well as those in crisis. Most couples wait “too long,” Senarighi said, and they seek help after somebody has threatened divorce or had an affair.
“By that point, there’s enough distance and enough harm and broken trust that we have a lot of work to do to repair before we can do any kind of maintenance work,” she said. “The research has shown us that people wait an average of six years too long to come to couples therapy.” Therapy helps couples think ahead, anticipate stressors and improve communication, she added.
Sam and I are coming out of the darkness of having very young children and seeing the light of regaining our independence. Reestablishing our own identities can be scary for a couple like us, who have been together for our entire adult lives, because we have been completely absorbed by our relationship, and then parenting, for so long. We’re not quite in a season of our marriage where we have time to spend together without our kids, but we are able to do this apart, to rediscover our own individual interests. Seeger DeGeare reminded me of something quite obvious: People change.
“You have to be willing to honour the fact that as each of you changes, there’s a new level of self-discovery,” she said. She believes that couples need to learn to navigate these changes together, and that sometimes one partner may have to grieve and adjust to that new person. “Going to therapy opens a door and starts conversations,” she added. “All the work and conversation you’re doing outside of therapy can be organised by someone who’s not so close to all of it.”
I’m not going to pretend that Sam and I are gold medalists when it comes to marriage counselling. In fact, sometimes our busy schedules and our kids’ frequent days off school make it difficult for us to maintain our weekly sessions. We also have a therapist who sends us worksheets, and we don’t always get around to completing our homework. Still, I am grateful that we’ve started to carve out this time together to do the work of maintaining our relationship, because it turns our date nights into actual quality time, rather than an extension of our fraught day-to-day challenges.
When we do have a disagreement — which, if I’m being honest, still happens frequently — we are better equipped to navigate the conversation with empathy and intention. “Therapy feels like a hug,” Seeger DeGeare said during our call, and I believe it’s one that can benefit every relationship.
