When my son was 3 years old, my wife and I were trying to get pregnant again and didn’t feel ready to fulfill his wish to get a dog. How about something simpler that required less responsibility, we suggested, and we settled on a fish tank. He picked out a couple of colorful freshwater fish from a specialty store and carefully held the plastic bag containing them all the way home on the subway.
This will be a fun hobby, I thought.
But maintaining the chemical and microbial balance of a small aquarium turned out to be trickier than we had anticipated, and I immediately assumed the role of undertaker. Each day after work, before picking him up, I would stop at home to retrieve and flush any fish that had floated belly-up to the surface of the water. I guess we figured that potentially being late for day care pickup was less risky than trying to answer our child’s questions about death.
Our son never asked why the number of fish in the tank kept fluctuating. The art of the freshwater aquarium continued to elude us, and we ended up settling for a hearty beta fish in a glass bowl with some pebbles, who lived for over a year.
We weren’t the first parents, however, who’ve tried to obfuscate a pet’s demise. Parenting lore is full of replaced goldfish, hamsters and bunny rabbits, not to mention tall tales about pets’ travels and unlikely adventures.
It makes sense that parents want to avoid discussion of death, especially with kids who are still learning what it means. While it’s not an easy topic, it’s an inevitable one. Instead of twisting yourself in knots to hide reality from your child, talking with them honestly about the death of a pet is an opportunity to share an experience of learning and growth.
Here, experts offer tips about how to handle this heavy topic.
Don’t succumb to the urge to make up comforting stories about where a pet has gone, and avoid euphemisms such as “passed away,” “left” or “went to sleep.” These can be confusing for a child. They may wonder if the pet will return or develop a fear of going to sleep themselves.
Brie Overton, author of My Grief Comfort Book and chief clinical officer of a camp for kids who have experienced the loss of a loved one, suggested “using concrete and direct language like ‘dead’ and ‘died’ ... to help children understand the permanence of death.”
With young children, you might say something like, “Their body stopped working,” said Jessica Gomez, a licensed clinical psychologist who works with children.
Depending on the circumstances of the pet’s death, it can also be helpful for a child to see their pet’s body. This can help them comprehend what death means and offer a chance to say some final words to their pet. Gomez said she has even heard of other pets in the home joining children for this goodbye.
It makes sense to introduce the topic of death once a pet is old or ill, but Overton pointed out that books and movies may provide natural entry points earlier on. She encouraged families “to have organic conversations about death and dying.”
Your children may be more prepared for these conversations than you realize. “From my experience, children are very intuitive, and so it’s an opportunity to really develop a healthy kind of perspective on grief, loss and death,” Gomez said. It also provides an opening to talk about your family’s own cultural and spiritual beliefs.
If your own understanding of death is still a work in progress, you can preface comments with the phrase, “Some people believe ...” or simply admit to your child that you’re not sure.
Let your child know that it makes sense to feel sad, and talk openly about what feelings you are having by saying something like, “Mummy is feeling sad. Sometimes we feel sad when someone/something we love dies,” Overton suggested.
Gomez advised “parents and caregivers to be attuned to their own grief.”
“It’s an opportunity for parents or caregivers to model a healthy expression of, how do I deal with my own emotions?” she continued. Your modelling can help your child feel free to express what they’re feeling.
Don’t be alarmed, however, if your child appears not to be reacting to the death. Gomez explained that some children’s feelings may not arise until days or weeks later. Parents can let them know that it’s normal for feelings of sadness or anger to come up then, too.
“We all grieve differently, so you may have a child that expresses their grief with tears and a child who seems to be ‘OK’ with little to no emotion,” Overton said, adding that parents should “validate each expression and experience.”
Some children will become anxious about people in their life also dying. You can reassure them that people have longer lifespans than pets, and that you or other family members are taking good care of themselves and expect to live a long time.
Each child will want to express their grief differently. “Provide opportunities to draw, write, talk about their pet, share the pet’s death with others, view pictures — activities that allow your child to express their grief,” said Overton, who noted that these activities are closely related to play, which is how children learn.
She also suggested having children help “create a ceremony to remember the life of their pet.” This might include the burial, but could also involve art, pictures, poetry and sharing special memories.
In addition, children might help select an urn for their pet’s ashes or a marker for their grave, Overton said.
Families come up with some creative ways to make space for kids’ grief. Gomez recalled one child she worked with who was grieving the loss of his pet and regretted not having the chance to say goodbye. So he wrote down what he wanted to say to his pet, attached the note to a balloon, and released it into the sky.
While it can be tempting to find a new pet to distract you from your sadness, Gomez advised being “careful not to use it to bring happiness to the child, because that’s teaching avoidance.”
You want to ensure that your family is ready for the responsibility of having another pet, and that you have all had some time to process your grief.
Everyone’s needs will be different, but if your child’s grief “turns into complicated grief — something that persists for more than a month, that’s impacting their coping, their ability to function at home, at school, [in] relationships — then you probably want to pause and take care of the child first with their grief practice before you reintroduce this as a Band-Aid,” Gomez advised. You can also talk to your child’s paediatrician or school counsellor about finding a therapist or other support for your child.
You, too are experiencing this loss, and may not always know exactly what to do or say. “Allow yourself grace as you navigate the loss,” Overton advised. “Sometimes we are worried that we may say the wrong thing. There is no one right thing to say.”
