My fellow Armenians,
When I took office, I said I would not interfere with the Justice League’s ability to prosecute my political enemies. I kept my promise. But my son’s criminality is a different matter. Look, folks, I gave you my word as a Biden that my abject lying would never impact my role as a loving father. If you were in my shoes as vice president, you would use your senatorial powers to pardon a loved one who Donald Trump’s hooligans unfairly targeted.
I have not abused the power to pardon. And you, too, can have one.
Democrat politicians care about many things: shielding kids from gun violence, the right of adolescents to change genitalia, windmills. But we also abhor many things — chief among them tax-cheating millionaires and gun-law abusers. My son, Hunter, is none of those things because I pardoned him. But I didn’t just pardon his tax and gun crimes. I pardoned any crime he may or may not have committed, dating back 10 years when he wielded the Biden name to entice crooked governments to enrich our clan.
Now, leaving aside that it makes zero sense to pardon people for crimes they didn’t commit — which is like doing 500 sit-ups to burn off fat from a pizza you didn’t eat — the pardon power is absolute. And seeing that I’ll be puttering around the Oval Office for another few months, the pardon train is chugging into a few more stations. Woo! Woo!
I hereby pardon the following people, some of whom Hunter recommended because he’s the smartest guy I know:
Dr. Anthony Fauci, who graduated from the same medical school as my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, and who knew full well that the computer virus escaped from a Chinese bioweapons lab. Do you honestly think a sloppily gutted tree sloth dangling in some filthy wet market killed millions of people? No sweat, Tony. I’ve got your back.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney. I don’t know when Dick grew blonde hair and transitioned into a woman, but to each his/her own. Dick did a great job hiding January 6th footage from the public and looked smoking hot doing it. I hope Jill doesn’t catch me massaging his shoulders while sniffing his hair. Anyway, I don’t want Trump badgering that buxom warmonger. You’re off the hook, cutie-pie.
Former Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, for that atrocious play-call to pass the football rather than handing it off to Marshawn Lynch — who absolutely would’ve scored from the one-yard line in that Super Bowl XLIX loss. Come on, man. Do you know how much money Hunter lost when the Patriots intercepted that pass? Why do you think he hit up the Chinese Communists for cash? But Hunter forgives you, Pete.
The Hawk Tuah Girl. I have no idea who this young woman is — Hunter’s keen on her. I’m told she’s Hailey Welch, who got wrapped up in a crypto scam. Look, folks, if you’re stupid enough to sink millions of dollars into an imaginary coin merely because some bimbo made a bawdy joke, Hunter has access to Santa Claus to sell you, and you deserve to lose every cent. You get a pass, Hailey, but not your idiot investors.
California Sen.-elect Adam Schiff. Even though this guy looks like a nightmarish, googly-eyed Pez dispenser, nobody perpetuated the Russia collusion hoax better than Adam, and we need him to scheme against Trump in the Senate unencumbered. I absolve you, Adam.
U.S. Supreme Court Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor. I’m not sure if you can charge someone with criminal stupidity, but Sonia’s guilty for suggesting during a recent oral argument that the side effects of taking aspirin equal what a confused, gender-dysphoric boy might experience after being castrated. Aspirin side effects: nausea and heartburn. Castration side effects: permanent infertility and a gaping genital wound. That’s an apples-to-apples comparison if I’ve ever heard one. Sheesh, Sonia, you’re pardoned. Now, leave the incisive legal analysis to Ketanji Brown Jackson.
I didn’t lie when I tweeted, “No one is above the law,” earlier this year. Some pimply-faced staffer wrote it on my behalf because when I tried, it read, “Mo wump iz bovine lar.”
We Bidens worship truth, even if we rarely tell it. To quote the legal giant Lionel Hutz, “Yeah, but what is ‘truth’? If you follow me.” Here’s the truth: I have not abused the power to pardon. And you, too, can have one if you purchase one of Hunter’s paintings. But you’ll have to act fast because time is running out and supplies are limited. If you follow me.
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