Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes & Mr. Baer,
I am currently handling a bullying case among grade 7 students.
This boy (the bully) has been hurting several students physically, mentally, and emotionally. He punches some students on their arms, purposefully bumps against them, makes humiliating comments about his classmates in front of others, and even threatens students for snitching on him.
As corporal punishment is now frowned upon, especially in a Catholic school, the administrators decided to give him a positive punishment. Instead of suspension and a failing grade, he was subjected to several sessions of psychological counseling, spiritual counseling, and community service.
During our counseling, I have found out that he has deep-rooted insecurities that started at home. He cannot open up to anyone because he claimed that no one understands him. His siblings tease him as fat and ugly. He compares himself to his older brother in terms of strength and talent. This could be the reason why he tries to dominate everyone in their class.
As much as I wanted to help him work on these insecurities, he has been showing very little to no progress over the past month. He no longer hits his classmates as often, but he still does. He still makes fun of his classmates by telling them rude and insensitive remarks about their hygiene or appearance.
Now, I am calling for the administrators to either give him a failing grade in deportment or to recommend him for transfer to another school.
A few of the administrators tried to convince me otherwise, saying that the bully also needed our guidance. Do you think I gave up on him too quickly? Do you think I made the right choice? Should I still insist on those punishments? Thank you.
– ELSA
Dear ELSA,
Your present situation demonstrates the conflicting aims of counselors and the administrators. You wish to resolve the specific issues as between the bully and the bullied, the administration wishes to preserve the integrity of the school and apply the process set in place for dealing with bullying.
The bully’s lack of significant behavioral improvement suggests that the current interventions — psychological counseling, spiritual guidance, and community service — are insufficient to modify the student’s conduct because of his deep-seated personal insecurities and the family dynamics contributing to his negative behavior.
While the administrators’ argument for continued guidance has merit, you have, understandably, reached a critical point where it seems the victims’ well-being must take precedence and the ongoing psychological harm to multiple students outweighs the potential rehabilitation of the single perpetrator.
Your proposed recommendations of a failing grade or transfer are valid, but should be part of a broader strategy. The goal is not punitive action, but creating a safe learning environment and a change in behavior. You therefore need to work together with the administration to achieve this.
Some suggestions might be:
Not all of these of course may be within the resources of every school’s guidance office.
Bear in mind that continued support for the bully does not mean tolerating harmful behavior. Victims’ psychological safety is paramount and interventions must show tangible, measurable progress.
Ultimately, you are not giving up on the student. You are choosing to protect the collective well-being of the student body while still leaving room for potential rehabilitation.
— JAF Baer
Dear ELSA:
Thank you very much from your letter. Thank you too, Mr Baer, for suggesting clear, sometimes difficult, but do-able interventions.
This gives me the liberty of focusing on what some might feel is a matter of semantics, though obviously I don’t ????. It is the reason your school’s version of “positive punishment” doesn’t work. I am pretty sure BF Skinner, founder of behavioral analysis, would agree with me.
Positive punishment is a behavior modification technique. It means adding an adverse outcome after an unwanted behavior to decrease the chance that a person engages in the behavior again.
In effect, your school has decided (and thus sent the message to the bully) that psychological and spiritual counseling are aversive interventions, not positive ones. Hells bells, no wonder the counseling sessions don’t work. Your counselors might all be super duper Grade A quality, but if the underlying message is “You are being counseled as a punishment for your bullying”, it is destined not to work.
How can a relationship viewed as “punishment” thrive? This is especially so when the subtext of a one up (counselor) one-down (counselee) dynamic is understood from the get go.
An accurate analysis of how the principles of behavior modification and operant conditioning would be the first step in finding more successful interventions. Even more importantly, an understanding of ACES (adverse childhood experiences) would also be beneficial.
Also necessary is the critical factor of truly caring counselors (which comes from the heart and no amount of training alone can bring forth).
Last is courage… like you have, in sharing what you truly feel about the bully and the bullied. Courage to share unpopular, un-woke views and then following these up with action, no matter how much of a biotch that makes you seem, is vital.
I am glad you seem to possess all that is required for the constant support that students need so much of these days. Mabuhay ka. Mabuhay tayong lahat
— MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.
