WITH more and more women in their 40s, 50s and beyond swearing off dating for good, we investigate how being single and celibate is now the hottest trend.
Here we speak to two women about how and why they went ‘boysober’
It was the explicit photos that finally did it. “The guy did seem really nice,” remembers Shalina Casey, 48, from Hampshire. “He was mature and smart, and we’d been having good conversations. I thought: ‘Finally, here’s someone I could actually talk to.’”
Then one evening, Shalina’s phone pinged and there they were. “I saw these naked pictures he’d sent and, suddenly, I felt utterly defeated,” she says.
“After six months of dating, of navigating the liars, the sleazes and the married men, I was done. At 46, I was going to be single and celibate for good.”
The world of dating is full of buzzwords – everything from breadcrumbing, when someone shows just enough interest to string you along, to zombieing, when a vanished love interest suddenly texts months later trying to resurrect the relationship.
But in the summer of 2024, a new trend emerged: boysober. A backlash to the toxic world of dating, the boysober rules are simple – no dating and no sex.
At first, it caught fire on TikTok among Millennials and Gen Z, who want to shift the focus to nurturing friendships and self-growth, but the decision to stay single and celibate has now spread to women in their 40s and 50s, too.
The Survey Center on American Life found that 64% of those aged 44-59 in the US have stepped away from dating, because they prefer being single to being in a relationship.
In the UK, the Office for National Statistics says that across every age group, the number of women who’ve never married and who are not living in a couple is rising.
For those aged 40-70, their numbers grew by 500,000 between 2002 and 2018.
Meanwhile, research by Mintel found that 61% of single women were happy with their relationship status.
When Shalina stepped aboard the dating rollercoaster in September 2022, she had no idea that it would ultimately lead her to choose the single, celibate life.
“My two-year relationship had ended a few months earlier,” she says. “I was 46, a mum of two and felt pressure to get back into the dating world. So, I took a deep breath, told myself to be brave and went for it.”
Shalina, who dates both men and women, didn’t feel her expectations were too high.
“I wasn’t looking for perfection. I understood that people, especially in the middle of their lives, can be complex and bring experiences that are good and bad.
“But what I actually found ranged from the ridiculous to the downright offensive.”
The women Shalina connected with declared love incredibly quickly, demanding the same in return, then ending it abruptly. “That was definitely exhausting,” she says.
“But the men were even worse. There were the endless messages filled with sexual innuendo from middle-aged guys who I’d look at and think: ‘Why on earth are you behaving like this?’”
When she did feel a connection with a man and go on a date, Shalina would sit and listen as they ranted and raved about the women from their past.
“They would go on about their ‘psycho ex’. I’d sit there and wonder: ‘Why would they think that’s an attractive thing to do on a first date?’ It left me baffled and feeling exhausted with it all.
“The worst was when one man I really liked, who seemed normal and kind, let me think he was single. It was only later that he admitted he was actually married – then offered me £2,000 a month to meet him twice a week for sex!
“I’m hardly naive, but that shocked me. He clearly thought he was doing me a favour and that I should be grateful for being treated this way. He couldn’t see how demeaning it was.”
When yet another man sent Shalina unsolicited pictures of himself in March 2023, it was the final straw.
“That’s when I decided I’d had enough: no dating, no sex – with men or women. I walked away from it all,” she says.
Shalina’s decision doesn’t surprise Elle Boag, an academic and consultant in relationship and social psychology.
“Both in my professional and personal life, I’m seeing growing numbers of midlife women stepping out of the dating world permanently,” she says.
“It makes a lot of sense. By the time you’ve reached your 40s or 50s, you’ve often spent years taking care of others and putting them first. No wonder women are asking themselves: ‘Do I really need to be with another person?’ They’re realising that, actually, no they don’t.
“You can’t underestimate how disempowering the world of dating apps can be. The apps are designed to leave people feeling on edge and uncertain.
“From the lies to the inappropriate pictures, dating in 2024 can feel like your boundaries are being constantly pushed. Saying: ‘I’m deleting the apps, I’m choosing to be single and celibate,’ is the ultimate in drawing a boundary. It’s incredibly powerful. Midlife women are deciding to take back their own agency.
“There’s also the empowerment that comes from removing the judgement and scrutiny of strangers. We all use something called ‘impression management’ – wanting to show ourselves at our very best, using photo filters and clever angles, holding your phone practically on the ceiling to take a snap, all just to hopefully try and find a companion.
“It’s exhausting and often fruitless. It’s no surprise that women get to a certain point and think: ‘Screw this, I’ve got better things to do with my time and energy!’ And into all the space that singledom and celibacy creates can come some amazing things.”
Just ask Balbina Garcia. These days, you’ll find the dressmaker hanging out solo on her houseboat in Shepperton, Surrey, playing music with a glass of wine in her hand.
“I’m 54, live alone and absolutely love my life. I have freedom, space and quiet, I can go where I want when I want, and I don’t answer to anyone. It’s fabulous,” she says.
Ten years earlier, it was a very different story. “I’d lost the love of my life in a traffic accident when I was 31, and then had a lover for a decade.
“In 2015, aged 45, I decided to try dating again and it was exhausting. I had an endless line of guys spouting dreadful chat-up lines and lies, and if I did end up in bed with someone, it was nearly always terrible.”
Balbina’s liberation moment came in the most unexpected form – she started the menopause.
“I was 46 in 2016 when it happened, and my sex drive vanished almost overnight. It sounds alarming, but it actually set me free. All the men I met only seemed to want sex, which suddenly gave me no pleasure whatsoever.
“I realised that I’d put up with awful sex for years, and that I’d accepted the idea women should put men’s pleasure first, and we had to put up with boring guys who were bad lovers – and feel grateful that they wanted to be with us. Which was all nonsense.
“Soon after, a guy chatted me up in a bar. He seemed nice and I was having a good time, until he suddenly announced that he was getting a bottle of wine and we’d go back to my place.
“He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to! When he went to the toilet, I just left. My mind was made up: I was done with dating and sex.”
Almost immediately Balbina’s life changed in wonderful ways.
“I started to celebrate my changing body, now that I no longer cared what men thought about it. The fact that my boobs and bum were not as perky as before or that I had a little belly. Once they were only for me, I loved them.”
The menopause is a key factor in this growing trend, says Elle. “It’s a hugely underrated biological shift that can change women’s lives in midlife for the better. Suddenly, you’re far less worried about what other people think.
“That helps create a space where you can question who you really are and what you really want. For many women, that means no longer prioritising other people.”
For Balbina, her friendships with men deepened once she’d decided that dating and sex were off-limits. She even followed her decades-old dream of living on a houseboat.
“Stepping away from dating and sex felt like a power was ignited inside me,” she says. “This wasn’t about disliking men, but about loving myself. Suddenly, my independence didn’t feel like I was half a person – it felt wonderful. And most importantly, I was the one who’d chosen it.”
As for sex, Balbina says she isn’t missing it. “If I am in the mood, I can take care of it myself. I don’t need another person, with all the potential hassle they bring.”
Celibacy is a concept often misunderstood, says psychotherapist, couples’ therapist and relationship coach Susie Masterson, who works with many midlife women.
“It’s not actually about living without sex. It’s about choosing to focus on yourself without the distraction or expectation of sexual intimacy with other people,” she explains.
The decision to try celibacy is just one part of a wider trend that Susie sees happening among midlife women.
“Many have spent years navigating complex work relationships, personal relationships and friendships. It leaves them carrying what relationship expert and psychotherapist Esther Perel calls an ‘emotional dowry’.
“This is something that’s put upon us, and it’s not always positive. It’s often a burden, because it’s not our life stuff. And if it is our life stuff, then it’s what we have accumulated across our lives in our experiences of relationships.
” It’s only natural that in their 40s and 50s, women want to review and reshape their lives, including romantic lives.”
With celibacy and singledom, women can explore their desires and boundaries, Susie explains, and re-examine their relationship with themselves.
“Many people want to reclaim their bodies and create a life where they feel empowered to make informed choices about their own wants and needs.
“They recognise that the only relationship we’re guaranteed to have for life is the one we have with ourselves.”
For Shalina, the single celibate life proved a revelation. “Suddenly, I didn’t have to consider or feel bad about anybody’s else’s issues or lifestyle choices. I wasn’t wasting precious time trying to keep random people happy,” she says.
“Without anyone else draining my energy, I was giving myself the space to love and understand myself. And I also felt a surge of creativity.
“I’d dreamed of writing a novel for years, and now I was doing it. For the first time in decades, I didn’t feel that there were any limitations, just endless possibilities.
“I realised then that my dreams and ambitions had been stifled by the world of dating and sex. I’d believed for years that I was half of a whole, and so sacrificed my time and energy looking for that missing piece. I saw that I was complete all by myself.”
Publishing her first book, The Best Death, in July, gave Shalina more joy and satisfaction than any relationship could. Her second book is out this month and she’s already writing her third.
“It’s been 18 months since I stepped away from sex and dating, and I haven’t regretted it for a second. In midlife, you realise there aren’t endless years ahead. We only have one life, and I intend to make the most of mine.”
