Let’s see what’s for sale!
Ah yes, the holiday season—capitalism at its finest. No matter how much stuff you have, there’s always room for more. Don’t have enough space? Amateur complaint. Go rent a storage unit and get more space already!
To be fair, there are plenty of non-capitalistic reasons why everyone loves the holiday. But that is not why we are here. No sir; we are here to discuss the absolute best holiday gifts we possibly can here at Royals Review with our holiday gift guide. This is a completely serious guide where we have identified the best possible gifts at the Royals official shop.
Let’s shop till we drop, because that’s the only way these gifts would be purchased: accidentally due to the effects of cranial damage.
Price: $21.99
If you feel like Brady Singer during the rain, this umbrella might just be for you. I’ll be honest: this is actually rather cute. Please give me a baseball with the implied radius of this umbrella.
Price: $24.99
Sportula. Sportula. Oh my God, that is too perfect. I want one.
Price: $64.99
If you’ve been following this series for long enough, you know that one of the main questions for many of these items is “who on earth is the intended audience” or “why would anyone want to buy this.” This dress is definitely in that camp, and the juxtaposition of the style of dress and the intended place you would theoretically wear this just...do not fit.
Price: $44.99
Again: Unsure who the audience is. Does everything have to be Royals-themed? Actually, wait, don’t answer that. MLB’s shop certainly thinks so.
Price: $69.99
For nearly seventy (70) dollars, you can purchase...this? It is huge, too; it’s 10.5 inches tall. I guess there are worse looking desk decorations, but you’d have to look to find them.
Price: $599.99
This thing is absolutely hideous, first of all. It looks like there are strings on the design of the guitar, which is confusing considering it, you know, has actual strings. I can only imagine it’s so expensive because every string is uniquely tuned to play the chorus of “Friends in Low Places” no matter what chord you’re playing.
Price: $29.99
Booooooo. This is barely even a Royals tie. You need a magnifying glass to see the logos. Go big or go home.
Price: $29.99
THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! I don’t understand what beyond the vague sepia tones of the tie is “nostalgic,” but you know what? This is a statement.
Price: $32.99
This mom runs on Royals baseball!!! And wine. A lot of wine. This mom also probably has a “live laugh love” sign in the main hallway and drives a Ford Explorer she can’t properly see out of.
Price: $39.99
I originally didn’t pay this any mind until I saw two details. One, that it is forty (40) dollars. That’s a lot for a phone case like this. The other is that why are they only selling iPhone 6/7/8 phone cases. The iPhone 8 was discontinued in 2020 and was released in 2017. The percentage of people who still have a functioning iPhone 8 they want to spend $40 on a case for is pretty low.
Price: $29.99
The description of this says that you can “show unwavering support for your favorite MLB squad at the pool, lake or beach with this Margaritaville Kansas City Royals towel.” My brother in Christ, no one is noticing that tiny KC Royals logo in the corner when there’s...everything else going on here. But go off, king.
Price: $12.99
Is it silly to have the tiniest KC Royals logo on something? Yes. Is it sillier to have an item branded as “Officially Licensed Gear” with no logo whatsoever? We have officially lost the plot.
Price: $45.99
The branding mashup you never knew you needed: Big League Chew bubble gum and the Kansas City Royals. Look: someone out there will buy this hat, probably. Some kid who can pop eight big league chews into his mouth and can blow a bubble the size of Neptune, probably.
