There’s a fairly well-established list of the things that wedding guests detest. Overly long ceremonies. Overly long toasts. Cash bars. A bachelor or bachelorette trip that sends its attendees into credit-card debt. A destination wedding in a remote locale that the couple has zero relationship to and that plunges its guests into further bankruptcy. But what about all the other less-discussed aspects? If you’re a couple planning a wedding, every decision can feel like trying to telepathically sense the preferences of a mass of people who have strong opinions but are too polite to share them. You might wonder: Do people really care if I have the wedding over Thanksgiving? Or whether we do it outside, even though it’s a bit late in the season?
We did the work for you. We asked almost 150 seasoned wedding guests about the aspects of weddings that they secretly hate. The responses were fast and wide-ranging, touching on everything from timeline planning to transportation to vow delivery. While some responses fell more in the “petty grievance” category (a lot of people seem to just not care much for cake), clear patterns and consensuses emerged. And while many of these complaints secretly had to do with money — how much or little the couple was willing to spend — a lot can be sidestepped through simple planning.
Invitations
Paper-only invitations. They get lost way too easily, especially by guests who may be between moves or aren’t the most on top of their mail. At least include a website link or QR code — that way, they don’t have to sift through clutter to RSVP or to remind themselves of the location and schedule.
Ultraspecific dress codes. The guests do not want to have to interpret what “Nashville chic” means. Also: “Specific color palettes for guests’ clothing. People have a hard enough time with cocktail/formal/black tie and now you’re asking them to figure that out plus request a very specific neutral but not too neutral color palette?! My friend went to a wedding where the bride asked guests to avoid blue. Blue! Insane.”
Weddings on holiday weekends, especially New Year’s or Thanksgiving. People have their own lives and families to attend to.
Weddings that pretend they aren’t weddings. If it’s a wedding, call it a wedding, not a commitment ceremony or a housewarming party plus life-partnership celebration. It’s confusing.
Transportation and Location
Shuttle rides lasting over 15 minutes. People seem to prefer that the drunken slog from venue back to hotel be as short as humanly possible. “Any wedding that requires me to be on a shuttle bus from the hotel to the venue when that ride will be longer than ten to 15 minutes,” is less than ideal, one person told us. “I once had to sit on one of these a few feet from a disgusting puddle of someone’s vomit for an hour. And I was pregnant.”
The shuttle in general. Although they seem to really prefer that it not exist at all; the feeling that one’s only escape from the event is via a bus ride at the very end of the night breeds hostility: “Weddings where you need to be bused or boated and end up spending eight-plus hours at the venue and have to wait to be transported out are just the worst.”
That remote inn in the Catskills off of Route 9. The lack of Ubers, the lack of cell service, the distance from the airport (“Sweet lord if I see one more goddamn barn,” said one guest who is tired of the drive), and the strange and frequent lack of potable water have all begun to chip away at the allure of the upstate wedding.
Temperature extremes. By far the most common complaint was about outdoor weddings in unbearable weather. “If a blanket needs to be provided at the ceremony, it shouldn’t be outside. Not everyone is wearing a 45-pound dress or a full tux and we are freezing, as are your bridesmaids,” one person said. Wilting in the heat is no better. “I’m glad you got a deal on your venue, but please do not make me sit in the September (or May) heat in Texas,” one person said. And if you’re going to subject your guests to the sun with no shade, one person suggested at least providing self-aware wedding favors (mini shade umbrellas, say).
General Run-of-Show
Private vows. People are there for a show. They do not care for, as one person told us, “Generic wedding ceremonies where you don’t learn anything about why the bride and groom love each other and why they are getting married.”
Mentioning mundane things in vows. Referring to, say, your shared favorite reality-TV shows or pizza spot can pull guests swiftly out of what is a serious moment. (E.g., “I promise to always watch Below Deck with you.”)
A too-long gap between the ceremony and the reception. This is a detail a couple might spend all but two minutes thinking about, but several respondents said that a prolonged lull between these two events — say, when the couple are off taking photos — leaves them feeling bored and uncomfortable. One person pointed out that this is a common problem for weddings that take place in a church then move to a different location for a ceremony. Still, they said, “It feels like a waste of everyone’s time.” Said another respondent: “This is particularly awful when the wedding is outdoors in high summer and you may be sitting or standing in your own sweat for 30 minutes to an hour-plus.” (For more on weather, see below.)
Dancing, then eating, then dancing. It’s apparently unsettling to be corralled back and forth from a sober, early-in-the-evening dance to one’s table, then back out to dance once again. “When the reception begins, people should sit to eat, and dancing doesn’t begin until the eating is finished. Don’t break it up into sections,” one person told us.
Too many events. The brunch is especially unpopular. Groused one person: “Just when you think it’s done, there is a brunch the morning after the wedding. Because hungover guests would love to see your grandparents one more time and hear about this wedding we just spent thousands of dollars on.”
A lack of clear dismissal. “This might be too much to ask,” one frequent wedding guest wrote,” but I really love it when an event has a definite endpoint. I get it that some people love weddings so much they want them to last forever, but I appreciate one final official gesture, like maybe a ceremonial send-off to the bride and groom, and then the rest of us can head back to our hotel rooms and recover from the day of mandatory fun. And whoever wants to can go on to the inevitable after-party.”
Being asked to help under the guise of DIY. “Pretending you’re having this cool, bohemian DIY wedding, whereas in reality, you’re really just outsourcing the labor to your female friends and relatives,” wrote one person. “Ask me about when me and a female relative spent a family wedding taking out trash.”
The Party
A lack of clarity surrounding food. People want to know if, when, and how much they’re being fed. And they want to be fed a lot. One guest said they dislike “when it is unclear from the invitation whether the reception will include a full meal, and whether there will be any options at all for those with dietary restrictions. Basically, if there’s any way a person who was expecting to be fed ends up ravenous, that sucks; if you’re providing appetizers and cake only, that’s fine with a warning, but the warning is necessary. Also, special demerits for the wedding where my friend with a food allergy ended up eating … three dinner rolls because it was all she could have safely.” “Not knowing the food plan,” wrote someone else. “Should you eat during cocktail hour or save room?!” Said another: I hate the phrase “heavy hors d’oeuvre.” When couples try to pawn that off as dinner and make the party at dinner time, it is truly a crime against humanity.”
Poorly orchestrated buffet-style dinners. “You’re going to end up with tables that are incredibly hangry, possibly also now too drunk, and resentful of all the tables in front of them.”
Illegible or repetitive toasts. A long-winded speech is deadly — everyone knows that. But length isn’t the only toast-related thing to avoid. Beware of toasts that “are simply a series of inside jokes that are only understood by a small number of people,” one person said. Or “wedding toasts in which the parents review their child’s résumé from AP scores forward.” People also seemed to want better curation. Toasts, one person said, “should hit a different beat/note. Don’t want to start repeating stories!”
Open-mic toasts. Does this even need to be said? “The microphone is a privilege, not a right! You aren’t special enough to speak just by nature of knowing one or both of the couple. we all know them; that’s why we’re here. Sit down.”
Interminable string of toasts. Guests do not enjoy being held captive through dinner.
Kids 10-and-under on the dance floor. This is perhaps the most controversial topic of wedding planning, and we know that sometimes their inclusion is unavoidable. But many people agree that kids can present a bit of a hazard, at least when the debauchery starts. “They never have their shoes on, and I shouldn’t have to worry about stepping on your cousin’s kid’s stocking feet while I’m dancing,” one person said. Said a parent: “Nothing worse than a dance circle with a 5-year-old in the middle.”
“Mr. Brightside.” A new go-to playlist has emerged, and people have already tired of it. “Do we need to scream-sing ‘Mr. Brightside’ or hear ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ every damn time? That’s when I go to the bathroom and fix my hair and makeup.”
A TMZ-style videographer. Because nothing kills a person’s inhibitions on a dance floor like the blinding glare of the videographer’s ring lights.
“The awkward-ass garter-belt retrieval ritual.” People cannot stand this tradition. “Leaves me with the ick every single time,” said one person. “One of my cousins went under his bride’s skirt to get it off then pretended to wipe off his mouth when he got out,” said another. “A long, unfunny toast by the groom’s brother is always painful, but a pseudosexual garter pulled with the groom’s teeth will send me over the edge. Grandmama here, get your face out of your bride’s skirt,” said a third.
The cake smashing. And this, apparently. “Who invented this?!” asked one person. “It’s so uncomfortable. Every time I’ve seen it, it casts an icky pallor over the reception for at least a few minutes. One person says ‘no,’ the other one does it anyway — what a depressing message for your first day as an official couple! To me, cake time now means smoke-break time.”
