Source: @sheepishnarco / Tyree
Jadacy Shepard Engram was 30 years old when she lost her first child. At 35 weeks, Eddie made his entry into the world as a stillborn baby, introducing the Lakeland, FL native to an untapped trauma that would both haunt and empower her. Jadacy is one of the many women who’ve experienced stillbirths. According to The Center for Disease Control, “Stillbirth affects about 1 in 175 births, and each year, about 21,000 babies are stillborn in the United States.”
“My pregnancy was perfect, or so I thought. My husband and I were preparing everything we needed to make sure our son was well taken care of and that the transition from my womb to our home was perfect. Imagine that, then imagine all of the excitement turns to tragedy in an instant,” she tells me in an exclusive interview.
People aren’t willing participants in this statistic, but this was the road Jadacy was called to travel. It was a journey that led her through shame, depression, and sadness, but it also fueled her to create safe spaces for other women who’ve experienced similar losses in their lives. Honing in on the power of alchemy, Jadacy transformed her pain into an opportunity to uplift and unite women affected by pregnancy and infant loss (PAIL) with her annual “Beauty Beyond Grief” event.
Beauty Beyond Grief is a local event hosted in Lakewood, FL, that champions Angel moms by fostering unity, support, and connection. Each year, they partner with news affiliates to amplify her story and the effects of PAIL while building a community for other people who’ve experienced similar losses. She’s becoming a walking testimony of her motto, “Our experience is more than what happened to us; it’s a vessel to bless us and so many other moms to come!”
Jadacy was forced to confront emotions that took her on a long journey of healing and self-discovery. She questioned a lot about herself, including her ability to become a mother. “I felt like when people saw me, they only saw what happened to me. Having that feeling caused a lot of self-sabotage and isolation. The self-sabotage caused me to think if I couldn’t carry my kid, I wasn’t worthy of anything!” she says.
“Self-sabotage almost killed me. My pain pushed me to purpose and passion, which is culinary and style. That’s how my business, A Taste of Healing, was birthed. I realized that my grieving process was unique because I was using the cooking process to help with my layers of healing,” she explains.
Source: @sheepishnarco / Tyree
A Taste of Healing allows Jadacy to reach other Angel moms through an online platform that shares her unique grief journey through the lens of style and culinary exploration. Cooking was an unexpected release for her, and her goal is to present her audience with alternative ways of processing their loss while offering community and resources to women across the globe.
Jadacy had finally found some peace two years after losing Eddie, then the Universe decided to shake things up a bit.
“My husband and I found out we were expecting two days before Christmas. I still couldn’t grasp it,” she says.
“Still grieving the loss of Eddie the III and finding out I was pregnant was excruciating to process. To be completely transparent, I wasn’t happy at all. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, disconnecting from everyone around me, even my closest friends and family,” she continues.
Jadacy experienced a lingering fear that she wouldn’t have a successful full-term pregnancy. Because she didn’t want the trauma she endured with the loss of Eddie to transfer to the birth of the baby she was carrying, she relied on therapy to help her navigate her emotions.
“I was consumed by fear, constantly thinking about the possibility of another loss. Therapy helped me manage that anxiety by providing tools to ground myself in the present rather than being overwhelmed by ‘what if’ thoughts. It gave me a safe space to express my fears and work through them, helping me to feel more secure and hopeful. Through therapy, I learned coping techniques that allowed me to experience my pregnancy with less fear and more peace, one day at a time,” she explains.
Source: @sheepishnarco / Tyree
Jadacy gave birth to Maxwell just 24 weeks into her pregnancy journey. Because Baby Maxwell was considered a micro preemie, he remained in the hospital for four months until he was strong enough to go home to his family.
Four years later, Maxwell is thriving and living the active life of a preschooler. His witty sense of humor mimics his mother, who proudly documents his many milestones via her social media platforms. The journey, although tumultuous, taught Jadacy a lot about herself.
“I’ve learned patience and grace. Together, patience and grace foster a healing environment that has been gentle, flexible, and understanding. It gave me the wisdom to help people who have experienced a stillbirth to navigate their loss with the time, space, and compassion they need. It’s also taught me to love really, really hard,” she says.
Women were tasked with the superpower of bringing human life into this world. The experience causes extreme trauma to the body because it extracts our nutrients to help develop a growing human in the womb. While it is an honor and a gift to birth a baby, the stress that it can cause to the mother and baby is enough for most women to throw in the towel after one child.
Source: @sheepishnarco / Tyree
“My journey to motherhood has been difficult. I trust that God did what needed to be done, and I know in my heart I will not have any more kids. I have a beautiful stepson, Jalil, and my son Maxwell. They are my entire world. With that, I’m good,” she says.
Despite her experience, Jadacy encourages women to explore motherhood if it’s what their heart truly desires. “Kids are beautiful. I strongly encourage planning if you can. Consult with your doctor and know your options. Speak with your family; know your family history when it comes to pregnancy,” she suggests.
And for the women who have experienced PAIL, she encourages you to tap into your community and give yourself grace along the way.
“Grieving looks different to everyone, you know? There are really no words you can say; you’re learning to cope every day—even years later, I’m still learning to cope. But, to anyone who’s lost a child, live one day at a time. Remember and honor your baby every day. Just say I love you, and I’ll never forget you. Trust God, and He will get you through. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
SEE ALSO:
Doula Chanel Porchia-Albert Is Helping To Bridge The Black Maternal Care Gap And Here’s How
I Lost Myself In Motherhood, How I Got Back To Prioritizing Self-Care
