Dear Sir or Madam:
It has come to the attention of our firm that your preschool is in violation of dozens of federal registration laws surrounding the intellectual property owned and operated by the estate of Frère Jacques, also known as Brother John.
Our findings show that classrooms within your organization are willfully using the “Frère Jacques” melody, ad nauseam, without approval or designation, to generate teaching mnemonics on subjects ranging from:
The reports also include allegations that our intellectual property has been “tortured beyond recognition” in the form of “gross and unnatural” adaptations that burrow into the mind like “an Alabama deer tick.”
As such, we are asking you to cease and desist all bastardizations of the “Frère Jacques” nursery rhyme, including but not limited to the following variants:
Pursuant to Article 3.1.41 of USPTO copyright law, we are also seeking recompensation for licensing fees in the amount of $10,000,000—or the equivalent of $1 per recitation of the “Frère Jacques” song by any and all parties, including you, your students, your students’ parents, your students’ parents’ coworkers—whichever is greater.
Should your preschool be unable to pay the aforementioned fees, we will be forced to report your misdeeds to the appropriate authorities and file civil suits against the responsible employees.
Please be advised we are prepared to take all actions necessary to protect the sanctity of our beloved patriarch’s name and likeness. If you are unable to remove the song from your school and your students’ heads, we will have no choice but to sue you to oblivion.
Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Legal counsel to Frère Jacques
