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Before our wedding, my husband asked me if I would change my last name to his, and I said I would. I wasn't lying. I had every intention to do so.
But before I walked down the aisle, I began to think about the hassle of going down to the Social Security office, changing my name at the bank, and updating my ID on every credit card. It seemed like a lot of work I didn't want to deal with — especially after planning a wedding.
At my bachelorette lunch, I discussed with my closest girlfriends — who all happened to be married — their decisions to change their names. All but one had put no thought into their name change, saying that it was something they had looked forward to or hadn't questioned.
I felt like the outlier, and I'm still learning to be OK with that.
After the wedding, I simply viewed my name change as another to-do on my list and kept putting it off. But as time went by, I began to question why I had to change my name in the first place.
Growing up, I had never fully understood the tradition of changing your name to your husband's. In my gut, it felt more antiquated than romantic.
I decided to consider my husband's opinion and ask him how he felt about me not changing my name yet. I had no idea until I asked him that he had been wondering why I hadn't done so. When I asked him how he felt about the tradition growing up, he explained that it was something he had always imagined his wife doing. He liked the idea of his wife taking his last name.
The whole conversation made me feel like I was disappointing him by dragging my feet, which made me lean toward just going through with the name change.
Most people assumed I had changed my last name already. When they realized I hadn't, they wanted to know why. Their questions made me uncomfortable.
While most women seemed not to question the tradition, others felt free to question my decision. One person even blatantly said they could see how it would be easier for me not to change my name "if anything were to happen." I didn't like the implication that my marriage was viewed as temporary or less than because of simply not changing my last name.
The more I thought about how I felt, the more I began to view the adoption of my husband's name as removing my identity beyond my marriage. I thought taking my husband's name would negate the accomplishments I had made independently. Since I'm a teacher, my students address me by my last name, and as a writer, I have been published under that name.
Becoming someone else on paper felt like having to become someone else entirely. It also felt like I had to forget who I was before I was someone's wife.
Once I considered my feelings without considering everyone else's, I stood by my choice.
I've considered surprising him with a name change when I feel terribly in love and want to make my husband happy. But the main problem with this is that he would know it was something I did for him and not something I really wanted to do.
While I know he'd prefer me just to change my name, I think my independence and strong will are qualities he finds attractive. Changing my name wouldn't represent my own values and, therefore, wouldn't yield the romantic result I've envisioned at times.
The pressure and judgment I feel from others reinforces that it should be my decision. Appeasing other people is not a good enough reason to do something I'm not sure I even believe in.
