This story was originally published on November 27, 2019. We’re recirculating it for the holiday.
This year, my sister and her husband are hosting Thanksgiving at their house in Texas for the first time. I live on the East Coast, so I have to fly to get there and the plane tickets were not cheap. Now she’s asking me to pitch in $200 to help cover groceries, wine, etc. that she’s buying for the four days that my mother and I will be staying with her. I would have been more than happy to buy some wine or do a grocery run, but this just seems rude, especially since I am making a big effort to be there. What do I do? She’s notoriously cheap, which is why I’m extra annoyed. She’s 30 and I’m 32, and we both have decent jobs, so it’s not like either of us can’t spare $200 in a pinch, but it’s still a lot of money to me.
Reading your letter, my first instinct was, great! Just fork over the $200 and be done with it. Sure, it’s a significant chunk of money, and the cash-for-hosting exchange is a little blunt (and rude, I agree). But it also lets you off the hook for any tricky dynamics or nuanced anxieties over your obligations as a guest. You can kick back and help yourself to as much food and wine as you want with the assurance that you don’t “owe” your sister anything in return. The arrangement is clean and simple.
But on second thought, it’s not like your sister is running a hotel. She invited you. And part of hosting is showing generosity toward your guests — especially if they’ve ponied up for a plane ticket to come. That said, she might have genuinely underestimated how much Thanksgiving would cost and is scrambling to cover it, albeit rather gracelessly. But will she do this every time a family gathering exceeds her budget? Will you be tallying up whatever she consumes the next time she visits you? It’s weird to put a price on family time, which can’t really be quantified, even when it involves things that cost money.
Most importantly, your sister’s demand genuinely bothers you, so that alone justifies a conversation. The last thing you want is for this to devolve into alternating passive-aggressive Venmo requests every time you get together. So, you two should talk.
To figure out the best approach, I called Kathleen Burns Kingsbury, a coach, consultant, and author of Breaking Money Silence. She recommends that you start by examining why you’re so annoyed, even if it seems obvious. “Before you initiate anything, get clear as to why you’re having these feelings about contributing the $200. What does that money represent to you? How is it different from you just going out and buying the equivalent amount of groceries and wine? Does it bring up judgments about how your sister has handled money in the past?”
You don’t need to mention these thoughts to your sister; in fact, it might be better if you didn’t. But it’s smart to be aware of them before you dive in, otherwise you might find yourself blurting out a reminder that she stole your $80 sweater back in 2013 or some other old gripe that’ll derail the discussion and distract you from the point you want to make.
Secondly — and this might go without saying — don’t bring this up on or right before Thanksgiving Day itself. Hosting is stressful. And since there’s drinking involved, well, best to wait. If I were you, I’d pay the $200 up front (painful though it may be) and consider it an investment in good sisterly relations. Then make a conscious decision to raise the topic later after you leave.
In the meantime, try to get the lay of the land during your visit. Even if your sister is a generally cheap person, I guarantee that you don’t know everything about her finances, and you might pick up on some context while you’re there. Maybe her husband has something to do with her pushing for reimbursement. Maybe she’s having money troubles you aren’t aware of. Try to let it go for the time being. If you find yourself getting irritated (“How come she owns those shoes and that coat but she couldn’t bring herself to pay for our Thanksgiving turkey?!”), excuse yourself for a moment, go for a walk, and take a few breaths. The last thing you want to do is waste an expensive plane ticket on a big fight.
Finally, ask yourself what you’re hoping to get out of this discussion — and what will happen if you don’t. Perhaps your dream scenario involves your sister apologizing and paying you back. But chances are,she might believe that she didn’t do anything wrong, and she’ll stick to her version of events. If she digs in, how will you respond? Try planning some language ahead of time, like, “I made a big effort to be here, and when you asked us to pay for our visit, it made me feel like we were an imposition.” Or, “I’m happy to pitch in for family gatherings, but I’d prefer to have a discussion about it beforehand, instead of just getting an invoice.”
One more factor to consider: Your mom. Was she asked to kick in $200, too? Or is your contribution meant to cover both of you? You and your sister will probably need to communicate more about your mom’s finances as she grows older, so this could be an opportunity to broach the topic in a constructive way. It’s helpful to focus on how you want things to change in the future rather than trying to re-litigate the past.
Obviously, you can’t change your sister, and she might be set in her ways. But hopefully, you can come to a better understanding of where her mindset comes from, and she can grasp why it makes you feel the way it does. There may not be an easy solution, but at the very least, you’ll learn how to talk about money more openly with each other — which will probably be worth a lot more than $200 in the long run.
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