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If you're headed into Thanksgiving dinner this year with a pit in your stomach, worrying that your Great Aunt Karen will say something that'll set the whole family on a course toward World War III, worry no longer.
This year, you don't have to get caught in a political debate or battle of wits with your friends or extended family. With tips from communications professionals who know precisely how to navigate tension-filled conversations and come out the other side peacefully, you can keep things light — if you prefer.
Business Insider talked to four communications professionals specializing in relationships, conflict, and negotiation: a professor of debate, a licensed clinical mental-health counselor supervisor, a national speaker who helps people negotiate business deals and address conflict at work, and a diversity, equity, and inclusion consultant. Here's what they say are the best ways to avoid clashing with your family at your end-of-year festivities.
"What we do when we bring our significant others or some of our friends to dinner, right before we go in, we say something like a disclaimer," Risha Grant, an international speaker and DEI consultant, told Business Insider. She said they might warn visitors that a grandmother, uncle, or other extended family member is "from a different generation, so they may say something offensive — just ignore them."
But instead of giving that disclaimer to your guests, Grant suggests giving it to your loved ones ahead of time. Instead of asking your guests to let things slide, try telling your problematic relative that you'd rather keep things neutral this year.
By explicitly spelling out that the family is trying to avoid hot-button conversations, you set expectations for others and can ease some of the anxiety you might otherwise have dreading what could happen.
"If you can have that conversation beforehand, and let your loved ones know that dinner is not the time to have that conversation, you can try to head it off," Grant said.
But when Uncle Brandon just has to make a comment, even after you've clearly said you don't want to engage, you don't have to let it derail the day, said Keisha Saunders-Waldron, a licensed clinical mental-health counselor supervisor.
Not everything has to be an argument, especially at the dinner table. If your family is annoying you but not saying anything that goes against your values, Saunders-Waldron says, it's OK to let some things go.
"It could be worth hashing out when we're talking about things where your value systems and core beliefs start to kick in — but if we know there is no resolution, and it's not worth ending the relationship over, then we want to agree to disagree," Saunders-Waldron said.
It helps to set firm boundaries about what type of conversation you're willing to engage in ahead of time, then stick to them, Saunders-Waldron told BI. And remember: Boundaries are rules you make about your own behavior, not about trying to control someone else's.
"Those boundaries can sound like saying: 'I'm not willing to continue to be badgered right now. So I have about two more minutes to talk to you before I'm walking away, and I'm giving you the respect of letting you know that I'm walking away.'"
If you want to try engaging in a conversation you know could become tense, the easiest way to help make the conversation go smoothly is to start by managing your own perspective, Justin Hale, a speaker and training designer for Crucial Learning, a corporate training company, told Business Insider.
Often, family debates can devolve into reactionary arguments, where people's fight-or-flight instincts get triggered. Before entering the fray, remember that you're conversing with your loved ones — not fighting a tiger that has jumped out of the bushes.
And don't go into a discussion hoping to win the argument, said John Koch, a senior lecturer and director of debate at Vanderbilt University. If that's your approach, he said, "you're going about it wrong."
"Seek understanding first," Koch said. "If winning and losing are your only options, you're missing the point."
Assume the person you're speaking to has good intent, Hale added. Remind yourself that your conversation partner may have insight into the topic that you hadn't considered; you might still learn from the conversation, even if you're just learning more about a viewpoint you disagree with.
"Certainty is the robber of curiosity. The more certain you become, the less open you are to being curious," Hale said. "People are afraid of curiosity because they're worried that, by being curious, they are agreeing that the other person is right — but that's absolutely not true."
If things get tense despite your best efforts, it can be helpful to start by acknowledging that everyone is wrong sometimes. Being humble and leaning into humor can help defuse conflict before it escalates.
"Everybody's president has made mistakes," Hale said. "Everybody's politicians have been wrong. And nobody wants to admit that."
Hale suggests starting potentially challenging conversations by going around the table, with everyone sharing something they've been wrong about. Not only can this be a hilarious bonding activity, but it also opens the door for everyone to acknowledge they could be wrong now, too.
"Having a civil dialogue doesn't need to be a lost art," Koch said. "You can have a heated discussion without name-calling and put-downs."
And if you do misstep and find yourself the one losing your temper, Saunders-Waldron said, it's never too early or too late to apologize. Take a quick walk around the block to shake off any excessive negativity, and then try again.
"Tell them: 'I recognized that I could have been in a better space and I wasn't. And so I would like to just apologize and see how I could fix the blunder,'" Saunders-Waldron said.
Of course, it's possible that — despite your best efforts — the conflict escalates anyway. If you feel the conversation at the holiday event cannot be held respectfully, it's also fine to refuse to engage. And doing so thoughtfully can help preserve your relationships while clarifying your values.
"I think grace is a big deal in this whole topic because you don't want to alienate from your family," Grant said. "I would still give everybody a hug on the way out — maybe not the person I'm pissed off at — but grandma, grandpa, I'd say: 'I love all of you so much. It was great up until this time, but I refuse to put myself or my loved ones in this situation. Maybe we'll come back tomorrow and see you.'"
The key to respectfully disengaging is to check out before the conversation becomes explosive, she said. It can help to remember that the outcome of the conversation is important to you because you value the relationship with the person you're arguing with.
"You do it with love," Grant said. "You let people know why you're leaving, but you've set a hard boundary for what is OK and what is not OK. Because, at the end of the day, the only thing that we control is ourselves — I can't control you, but I can control where I spend my day."
