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All long-term friendships come with highs and lows. Navigating conflict together (instead of quiet-quitting) is a necessary part of growing closer.
Sometimes, though, the tension doesn't disappear after the fight. Or, worse: you don't know how to solve fundamental differences, like a friendship feeling too one-sided or a BFF being actively jealous of you.
Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, told Business Insider that having strong connections is crucial to your health. Relationships that make you feel invisible or emotionally unsafe do more harm than good.
Still, it can be hard to face the truth, especially if you have history with a friend. "Generally, this is one of those questions that we don't take the time to ask ourselves," Kirmayer said, even though the answer is usually "very telling."
She shared some signs a friend is just not treating you right, whether they disrespect your boundaries or never reciprocate how much you put into the relationship.
One of the most important parts of any friendship is feeling balanced, Kirmayer said. You should feel like equals without "scorekeeping or counting the minutes."
Your friend's communication style might be more talkative than yours. But they should also find time to ask you questions, share bids for attention, and be actively interested in your life.
Otherwise, listening to a friend's vents or monologues feels like a draining relationship with an energy vampire.
Sometimes, a great friend will tell you what you don't want to hear, like that your ex is treating you poorly.
But it's another thing to use "I'm just being honest!" or "it's just a joke!" as a cover for insulting your looks or life choices, Kirmayer said.
"We feel the truest sense of belonging and connection when we feel seen, heard, and appreciated for who we actually are," Kirmayer said. If you constantly get told you're doing something "wrong," "it can end up feeling like that friendship is conditional on our willingness or ability to mold ourselves into who they want us to be."
Whether they're taking jabs out of potential jealousy or sending you long therapy-speak texts about your faults, they're not helping you grow — they're cutting you down.
If they can dole out lots of feedback but can't take any themselves, that's a sign of an uneven friendship.
One good way to gauge this is by watching how they respond when you bring up an issue, Kirmayer said. "Are they willing to take accountability or just hear you out in a way that allows for constructive conversations?"
If your friend is reactive to feedback no matter how politely and diplomatically you present it, it's a sign that you might be people-pleasing in the relationship to avoid explosive conflict.
Sometimes, friends go through big life changes: one might enter a new relationship, get a stressful new job, or have a baby. In those times, how often you communicate might change.
Still, Kirmayer said it's important for close friends to feel like they take turns initiating plans, rather than everything falling to one person.
"That consistency is important for keeping our friendships thriving," she said. Otherwise, it can build resentment and distrust over time if one friend is always the one reaching out.
Friends respect your boundaries, Kirmayer said. If you say no to talking about a vulnerable topic, do they step back or keep prodding? If you don't want to go out on a weeknight, do they listen or start shaming you?
She said someone not respecting the word "no" is a huge red flag in all relationships — and, ironically, can push you away from a friend even more.
Not all gossip is bad, and it doesn't always mean someone who talks about others will talk about you.
"Sometimes, our friends are gossiping as a need to secure support or to set out our perspectives and experiences," Kirmayer said. It can be a way to work through a problem or grow closer via shared values.
But there's a difference between healthy gossip and a friend frequently putting other friends down to make themselves feel better. In general, she said a solid friendship should present other ways of connecting besides what you don't like about other people.
But if you get a pit in your stomach about all the small things your friend rips other people apart over, it might be a sign that they'd speak just as badly about you, too.
If you've known each other for a while, you'll inevitably experience some changes in your careers, interests, relationships, health, or general outlooks on life.
That's why Kirmayer said it's a great sign if your friend wants to keep learning about you. You should welcome new life updates and support each other through big milestones, not "only repeating the same conversations that you've had for years on end."
If a friend is only invested in a past version of you — and actively rejects the newer updates in your life — it can be a sign that you're outgrowing your friendship.
