Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:
I am your former student po and read your column every week. I hope you remember me, that is why po I signed with my real name. But please keep me anonymous.
I met Tim thru a dating app. He’s Irish, 33 yrs old; I’m 29.
He constantly mentions his faith, he is very faithful to God. He is Protestant; I am Catholic. When we have conversations about my praying the rosary, he indirectly says that praying the rosary is not in the Bible, it’s an “extra” created by the Catholic faith and we’re worshipping Mary and the saints, because we’re praying through them; that this is a form of idolatry.
I was taken aback. I took it as an attack on my faith; felt I was being persecuted for how I pray. I told him I felt really bad about this and we had an argument about it.
To me, it doesn’t matter what religion I am in — I know my God. I was born and raised a Catholic. I was taught to pray the rosary which has given me comfort, especially during those dark times when my dad died.
We video-called. He was not hostile, but I could feel he felt that practice of Catholics is wrong. I reiterated: I am not worshipping Mary; I am just asking her to pray for me, to be with me during the times I need her. I felt I was being invalidated.
It’s very unsettling, like it’s like such a big deal. Maybe this is part of his criteria that in order to be his partner, our faith must be aligned.
I asked: What if it were the other way around, if I asked you to convert to Catholicism? He said he wouldn’t do it. But for me, it wouldn’t be a problem if I really wanted to be with that person, I would be able to sacrifice. I feel in this situation, I am the one to sacrifice, make the relationship work out.
It just makes me sad. All the time, whenever he expresses how he practices his faith, I am respectful; whenever I express how I practice my faith, it becomes a debate.
This is the first time I have met a guy with whom I am so compatible. I have feelings for the person, it’s like one-sided if I am the only one to adjust.
I don’t know what to do.
Ana
Dear Ana,
Religion has been the source of sectarian violence for centuries. Countless historical examples include the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, myriad Catholic/Protestant wars, the Holocaust. Current examples also abound: Hindu/Muslim strife in India, war in the Middle East, Sunni/Shia rivalries etc.
Ireland has been a particular target of religious struggles between Catholics and Protestants ever since Cromwell encouraged English and Scottish Protestants to settle in Ireland in the mid-1650’s by granting them land previously owned by Irish Catholics . Most of this violence was finally ended by the 1998 Good Friday Agreement but centuries of enmity bred entrenched views which persist to this day. The Catholic/Protestant divide in Ireland therefore embodies much more than a mere difference of faith.
You and Tim have strong but conflicting religious beliefs. You have two options: you can agree to differ or one can convert. However, Tim has ruled out conversion to Catholicism and you have your doubts, so agreeing to differ seems the only way forward. The problem is that Tim is unable to avoid criticizing your practice of your faith and this is likely to become an increasingly contentious issue.
Criticizing the manner of your prayer (incense, rosary, saints etc.) prioritizes form over substance, while references to the Bible never clarify anything since the Bible is subject to endless conflicting interpretations. Many faiths after all are based on the Bible yet they are each distinct and convinced of their own infallibility. It will be interesting to find out at the last judgment which, if any, were ‘right’!!!
One final point. Courtship usually encourages the couple to be on their best behavior to attract and impress each other. A refusal to compromise over faith, which results in conflict, is therefore a red flag. If your faith really means something to you, it is time to say goodbye to Tim.
All the best,
JAFBaer
Dear Ana:
Thank you very much for your letter. For once in our over 12-years writing this column, there is a cold hard kernel of truth I feel Mr Baer’s answer may have glossed over. Indubitably, most therapists would agree you leave if Tim cannot accept your being a Catholic if that is vital to your being.
I would prefer saying “Leave your IDEA of him as a potential life partner, maybe carrying on as friends if you both can manage it”.
He is the first person you feel “so compatible” with. That is a big deal, especially since this has happened despite liking — perhaps even loving — so many other people in all your 29 years. Knowing you as I do, I know this means he is very special talaga (really) both as a person in his own right, and to you. You do not give your heart lightly to others. So I know he makes you happy talaga, makes you laugh and yet think more deeply about things.
True, I do not know Tim except through your letter. Also true, I am not au fait with the Northern Ireland (NI) conflict (“the Troubles”), but I shall share the part I feel may have impacted your relationship, however indirectly.
While some claim the NI conflict was not a religious war, yet the opposing sides were composed of primarily Protestants who wanted NI to remain part of the United Kingdom (UK) and Catholics who wanted to leave the UK and join a united Ireland.
Peace was supposedly established at the Good Friday Agreement of 1998, although violence did not end completely after that. Tim would not have been old enough to fight for the Protestants but the impact — fear, anger, sense of injustice and betrayal — could have been just as fierce because of stories about how cruel Catholics brutalized innocent Protestants. Among those tortured and even and killed may even be members of his own family.
Many people stereotype their enemies. I am unaware if Tim has ever done this, but it is possible he has heard Protestants accusing Catholics of practicing idolatry (of saints and Jesus’s mother), rather than focusing on the one true God, Jesus Christ (or something to that effect).
Thus, your asking Mary and the saints to intercede for you might be triggering for him, whereas it would not be for someone without such a past.
Unconsciously, he may consider marrying a Catholic woman totally unacceptable. BUT, perhaps if you and he were able to trust each other enough to talk about what you have in common, rather than his focusing on how he wishes you would stop adoring false idols (1st Commandment), he would realize that it is not that you are a practicing Catholic that upsets him, but just your being Catholic at all… like the Catholics… who may have maimed and brutalized his grandparents, uncles, etc.
But, even if no one in his family was hurt by the troubles, still… it might be hard to be completely objective about Catholics vis-a-vis Protestants.
He seems an intelligent, caring man, Ana. He may be open to a conversation not really about religion but how his strong feelings for you may have blindsided him until he realized that you were an enemy, simply by being Catholic. And nitpicking about how you pray may be a defensive mechanism of sorts, ensuring he finds something in you which will preclude not getting more involved.
Many will consider it a bit of a stretch, and they may well be right. But I seriously doubt it. It is amazing how the supposedly “done and buried” past can rear its head in the present, only to derail what could have been a very rosy future.
It can be scary and is somewhat humbling, but might you “gently probe” about this? He too needs enough courage to reflect in ways he may never have before. But, as John Dryden said “None but the brave deserve the fair.”
Good luck,
MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
