DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT my wife was happy, but she dumped me by text to have kinky sex with another man.
I’m 54 and she’s 50. We’ve been married for 30 years.
It’s always been volatile because she can lose her temper over the slightest thing, but I thought we’d be together for ever.
We have three daughters, aged 18, 22 and 24, who live with us.
Whenever my wife and I had a big row, I’d escape to our caravan in a nearby town until the dust settled.
This summer, we had yet another row and I moved out. After a month, she texted me to say, “I’m leaving you, our marriage is over”.
I returned home to find she’d packed all her stuff and gone.
My eldest daughter told me my wife had been online dating and had been swiping men’s profiles in front of her.
My daughter was traumatised by walking in on her mum having uncomfortably flirty video calls with various men.
I’ve discovered receipts for S&M outfits and numerous sex toys. We did have an amazing sex life (making love three times a week), but she never suggested anything kinky to me.
She is now living with a man in France and refusing to come home.
My daughters say they hate her, but I’m shell-shocked and sad. Where is the woman I married — can I get her back?
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DEIDRE SAYS: What a painful way to hear your marriage was over. All break-ups hurt, but it’s especially devastating when they seem to come out of the blue.
However, you describe a relationship that has been unhappy for some time.
Every time you moved out to escape the arguments, you also escaped trying to understand why she was so upset. Over the years, her unhappiness built up to boiling point and she escaped, too.
You say she never expressed an interest in S&M, but we don’t always reveal our deepest fantasies, even to our long-term partner.
It seems while you thought you had a good sex life, your lack of communication filtered into the bedroom as well as the rest of your relationship.
Of course you will be reeling from her abrupt announcement but try to focus on your daughters, and try to establish some stability for all of you.
My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains how to help them. You can find further support through familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222) who work with parents and children of any age.
It would help you to talk to somebody outside of the situation, to find how you can move forward with your life. My support pack How Counselling Can Help will show you how therapeutic this could be.
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
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