News broke this week that Pamela Hayden would be retiring as a voice actor for The Simpsons. I know what you’re thinking: Not Harry Shearer? He sounds very tired and like he hates it. The other question you might have is Who does Pamela Hayden voice? Basically, if it’s a kid not being played by Nancy Cartwright, they’re voiced by Pamela Hayden. She does Jimbo, Rod Flanders, Janey Powell, and occasional bouts of Martin Prince. But most importantly of all, Pamela Hayden voices Bart’s friend Milhouse Van Houten.
Named for two American icons (Richard Milhous Nixon and Manson family member Leslie Van Houten), Milhouse got his start not on The Simpsons, but on the Simpsons Butterfinger commercials. From there, he became everyone’s favorite schlemiel. As he says himself in a middle-years episode, “I’m not a nerd. Nerds are smart.” He is beat down by life. Friendless except for Bart, dateless and pining after Lisa, ignored by his parents except when they’re using him as a bargaining chip in their divorce, Milhouse is pathos. And Hayden has always brought the pathetic into her performance of that little wiener kid. He cries with anguish, laughs with maniacal glee, and makes sprinkler sounds like nobody’s business. Here are the best Milhouse lines, ranked by how incredible Pamela Hayden was acting them.
“Spring breeeeeak, yeah!” (season 7, episode 20, “Bart on the Road”)
If there’s one thing to know about Milhouse Van Houten, it’s that he has no chill. He has such a vacuum of chill that it sucks up and negates the chill of others. This is bad, but also secretly great. Sure, it’s cringey to behold. But when you need a hype man, Millie is there. Here, Milhouse is trying to force the party vibes because Bart has a fake ID and it is spring break (yeah!). They do not have any idea what to do with the fake ID, however, and Hayden sells the forced enthusiasm. You can hear Milhouse lose faith in his own excitement about halfway through the word “break.”
Zombie moans (season 25, episode 18, “Days of Future Future”)
Thanks to all the flash-forward episodes that The Simpsons has accrued over 35 years, we have seen a lot of future versions of Milhouse. There’s White House chief of staff Milhouse, roided-out teen Milhouse, Homer’s boss Milhouse, and juvie Milhouse. It’s always wild to hear Hayden, Yeardley Smith (Lisa), and Nancy Cartwright (Bart) play adult versions of their little-kid characters. Especially Hayden and Cartwright, since they have to really butch up their performances to play grown men.
The wildest older Milhouse comes from season 25’s “Days of Future Future,” which imagines a reality in which Milhouse and Lisa have a deeply disappointing marriage. Thanks to genetic engineering, their daughter has none of Milhouse’s DNA, and Lisa has been texting her old flame Nelson on the sly. Then Milhouse gets bit by a zombie, and it makes things … better? It’s definitely the weirdest future for Milhouse that we’ve seen so far, but the grounded chemistry between Hayden and Smith makes it work.
“Bury me at makeout creek!” (season 11, episode 11, “Faith Off”)
I’ll be honest: The only reason this quote is on the list is the Mitski album it inspired. But it says something that Milhouse can be the voice of sexually frustrated longing for so many people across this great nation of ours. Stream “Drunk Walk Home.”
“But my mom says I’m cool” (season 5, episode 18, “Burns’ Heir”)
You’ll notice a lot of these lines start with the word “but,” because Milhouse is always on the defensive, always making a counterargument for his right to be happy, to be loved, to even exist. And what’s his strongest piece of evidence? His mom. Pathetic. Pamela Hayden plays Milhouse as someone who, deep down, kind of knows he sucks but still tries to argue for himself. But — but! — his heart isn’t really in the fight. His mom says he’s cool. But what does he think about himself? Never mind, you probably don’t even care.
“Bart, remember when I was crying at recess? I think I’m finally ready to tell you why.” (season 14, episode 4, “Large Marge”)
It’s crazy how the line delivery makes it so obvious that Milhouse is trying to come out to Bart in this scene. Okay, maybe obvious is too far. You can 100 percent have different interpretations of this moment, but to me, it’s crystal clear. Milhouse is queer and suffering, and Bart is not interested.
Both Bart and Milhouse have always been, uh, a topic of conversation within the community, shall we say? There’s a dedicated sub-fandom that believes Bart is/will be queer. And Milhouse has always been the butt of gay jokes, almost as much as Martin. It really puts his whole Lisa fixation in a new light when you think about it. Anyway, for those of us who have tried to come out to someone who was Not Having It, this moment is all too relatable.
“Take that, Dr. Sally Wexler!” (season 7, episode 9, “Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming”)
And now we have gotten to the root of Milhouse’s pain: his relationship with his shitty parents. Within the cockpit of this fighter jet, Milhouse can let out all the aggression his mom, dad, and Bart don’t have time for. Kirk and Luann Van Houten (1) are cousins (2) who got divorced, then (3) forced their son into therapy rather than fix their own hearts. Hayden gives the joke the anger it needs so that it’s not just a hilarious accident that he’s ejected out of the plane, it’s a natural consequence of finally speaking his mind. Remember, kids, if you give voice to your anger even once, God will violently yeet you into the sky. It’s what you deserve.
“It’s so thick!” (season 5, episode 8, “Boy-Scoutz ’n the Hood”)
As a proud Songs in the Key of Springfield owner, this particular line reading is burned into my brain. When Bart and Milhouse buy an all-syrup Super Squishee (which would actually be quite runny, but I digress), it lets the kids go on a hallucinatory bender. The best kind of bender! I think part of what sticks in one’s mind about “It’s so thick!” is the diphthong Hayden inserts into “thee-ack.” Where’d that syllable come from?
“It’s so thick!” is something that bubbles to the surface of my brain on a daily basis. When I’m thickening a sauce with roux or agar, for example. Or when it’s foggy out. Or when I see a particularly delightful ass. It’s a cry of wonder at the beauty nature can produce.
“Ta-ta, I’m off to the beauty salon!” (season 8, episode 6, “A Milhouse Divided”)
It’s dramatic irony, folks, plain and simple. Luann just told Milhouse he won’t have a home after tonight, and the boy is just like, “Okay!” Tragic.
The whole scene leading up to it, with Bart and Milhouse putting on a sketch for all their friends, is gold, too. For once, Millie is getting positive attention, for his campy performance of femininity (see entry No. 12). But little does he know, his whole world is about to be turned upside down.
Lastly, there’s something very funny about an adult woman playing a little boy pretending to be an adult woman. That’s layers upon layers right there.
“I haven’t daydreamed in color in so long” (season 17, episode 3, “Milhouse of Sand and Fog”)
From the end of the Van Houten marriage to its new beginning. We can argue about whether it was good or bad to reunite Kirk and Luann till the cows come home (it was bad), but people do get remarried in the wild. Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. Other people, presumably.
Milhouse’s parents have just told him they’re getting back together, and “Unlike the breakup, this is not your fault!” This news sends Milhouse into such a deep reverie that his parents call an ambulance. Then he says this is the first time in a long time that he’s daydreamed in color? Even when he’s happy, it’s sad.
“Uhuhuhuhuh yeah” (season 3, episode 23, “Bart’s Friend Falls in Love”)
Milhouse’s first breakout episode solidifies a lot of stuff about his character. He has romantic longing. He’s a doof. And Bart will always fuck him over to feel comfortable and maintain the status quo. These patterns will repeat over and over again for 30-plus years. But Samantha Stankey was one in a million. She’s not yicked by tasting peanut butter when she kisses Milhouse; she’s stoked the information has brought them closer together. And Hayden plays coupled-up Milhouse perfectly. He’s still a big goober with a girlfriend; he’s just found someone who likes that. May we all be so lucky.
“No, I think she’s hot!” (season 9, episode 19, “Simpson Tide”)
There goes Millie’s nascent sexuality again. The glee with which Pamela Hayden delivers this line, like Milhouse has had a background track of Bart mom hot, Bart mom hot, Bart mom hot running in his head this whole time and after nine years he’s finally let it rip, is like steam escaping a kettle. But also, Marge is hot, and more people should be saying it.
“But why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?” (season 8, episode 20, “The Canine Mutiny”)
It’s so hard, as the sidekick friend, to call out the main-character friend on their shit. Just because it’s necessary doesn’t mean it’ll go over well. On the contrary, the more important the message, the more poorly it will be received.
Again, like Milhouse’s tirade against Dr. Sally Wexler, Hayden gives the line the oomph it needs while still filtering it through a character that is oomph-averse. It’s a struggle to call out Santa’s Little Helper and Bart’s gaslighting, but it needs to be done. This is a speech Milhouse has rehearsed, and it shows.
“Everything’s coming up Milhouse!” (season 10, episode 19, “Mom and Pop Art”)
People may be shocked this is only at No. 4, but let’s not forget: Happiness is not Milhouse’s natural state. Joy, even for something as stupid as bone-dry pant cuffs, is not typical Milhouse. Still, it’s nice to see him get a W.
It’s wild to see Milhouse claim victory under circumstances where the bottom floor of his house is just gone. Also? His shoes and feet are still wet. But we must steal joy wherever we find it, no matter how tenuous. That’s a good lesson to learn from the Dud.
Sprinkler sounds (season 7, episode 25, “Summer of 4 Ft. 2”)
This one is really a group effort between Hayden, director Mark Kirkland, and writer Dan Greaney. The lip shapes Milhouse makes while imitating all the different sprinkler types are new; they didn’t have any model sheets for “pffffff.” And how did Hayden so accurately replicate those sprinkler systems? Lastly, shout-out to the writers for finding joy in the mundane. Or more specifically, finding joy in Milhouse finding joy in the mundane.
“But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It’s done.” (season 7, episode 2, “Radioactive Man”)
This is the most world-weary we’ve ever heard Milhouse, and there’s a “Treehouse of Horror” where he lets himself drown. Until you’ve been there, you do not know the specific tedium of being on a film/TV set. It’s soooooo boring, but so many people are soooo stressed out about it. As someone who doesn’t even want to be in showbiz, Milhouse’s ennui is palpable. Like “It’s so thick,” the “jiminy jillikers” scene has entered my personal lexicon, pulled out any time there is an enthusiasm gap between me and the world. We did it. It’s done.
“But I’m all Milhouse!” (season 8, episode 7, “Lisa’s Date With Density”)
Really, it’s the whole scene that lands this line at the top of our list. Milhouse’s sky-high expectations when Lisa says she has a crush immediately get dashed. She says she wants to bring the Milhouse out in Nelson, which prompts the line. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? All Milhouse is too much Milhouse. Then Lisa tries to be conciliatory and say he’s like a big sister. Milhouse objects, then calls himself that not 30 seconds later. And the inner monologue about doing whatever she asks in order to gain her respect? It’s all too relatable. We’ve all been friend-zoned; we’ve all tried to dance around a friend’s inappropriate crush. It’s all too much. It’s all Milhouse.
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