What a roller coaster of an episode. We started off with a disastrous Signature, followed by a Technical where one of the bakers almost quit, building to a Showstopper where everyone stopped the show so damn hard I don’t know if it’s ever going to be able to start up again. How are we going to watch the finale when the show is stopped? It’s dead. It’s over. Time of death: Now. Cause of death: Fruit desserts that look like fruits.
When Patisserie Week begins, the bakers need to make two batches of eight laminated breakfast pastries. In a voice-over, Alison tells us that this is the most ambitious setup ever in the history of the show. Really? This? Making Danish? You’re joking me, as the Irish would say if they had their own baking show (which apparently they did). The bakers got an hour the night before to prepare the dough that they would laminate and let set overnight. This “golden hour” is common practice on Great British Baking Show: The Professionals, also on Netflix.
The next day, they have three hours to bake, but Dylan did not understand the assignment, as the kids say, and thought he only had two hours, which is why he is just making two different kinds of croissants, one with cream in the middle and one coated in chocolate. When he tells Paul what he’s doing, Paul tells him to save one croissant unfilled so he can see whether it has the flaky consistency they’re looking for, because the cream ruins it.
When Paul finally judges Dylan’s croissants, he says he took away everything he spent all this time making. And that got me thinking, are any of these worth it? I have crushed a croissant or two (hundred thousand) in my day, but if I knew that you needed to make this dough, pound out butter, fold it, roll it, spin it, chill it, rest it, prove it, cut it, shape it, bake it, all to just get one croissant, I think I would just go back to Cocoa Krispies in the morning over that. Is anything worth that amount of work?
Paul tells Dylan that his croissants were underproved. In fact, each one of the bakers gets the same criticism. This is the first time this season where it seems like the problem isn’t the bakers but production. If they gave everyone an extra 30 minutes, heck, maybe an extra 15, they could have all been successful. When Prue tries Georgie’s pinwheels with coffee cream, she loves the taste. Both judges love the tang of Christiaan’s saffron-roasted rhubarb. Prue loves Gill’s sausage in her modified sausage rolls. But each one: underproved, underproved, underproved. It looks like the comments on my homework when I failed geometry sophomore year. The problem isn’t the flavors or the ingenuity, it seems like the problem is time.
The week is not off to a good start, and the Technical challenge is even harder than usual. Everyone has to make an Opera cake, which is Joconde sponge soaked in coffee and layered with ganache and French buttercream, which some people call crème au beurre if they’re trying to look like they know where in the world Carmen San Diego is, but only if she is in France. This was a challenge before during French Week in season four, but we do not do themes based on nationalities anymore, do we? The one thing we learned back then is that they have to write “Opera” on the top of the cake, but this time they have to make these curly shards with musical notes on them. Apparently Baking Show doesn’t even know how to bake its bakes anymore.
The recipe is even worse than usual, giving almost no instructions at all. When Georgie makes some kind of mistake with her ingredients, this Welsh lass has had enough and the dragon within her comes roaring out. “I’m going,” she says, standing still and gripping the edge of her workbench. “I’ve had enough. I just don’t want to do it. I’m done. I’m done. I’m gonna stand here until the end.” It really appears like she’s going to, which is ironic because she seems to be the one who wants it the most, who needs this to prove to herself that she’s good, talented, and smart.
Finally, national treasure Alison Hammond comes over with a pep talk. “You’ve put yourself into, ‘I can’t do this, I’m no good.’ You’ve got this 100 percent,” she tells her. I’m not crying, you’re crying. That is what is so great about Alison; she can laugh and joke around just like every other host, but only she can one week do a windmill kick off a counter onto the floor and the next week get a baker back into the game with a couple of shoulder pats and some reassuring words. Whatever they are paying this woman, it is not nearly enough.
Georgie gets back in the game but can’t keep herself from coming in last in the challenge. Christian is right behind her, followed by Gill, with our collective crush-object Dylan winning for his perfect layers, his lovely cake, his spot-on man bun, his sumptuous lips, his glittering eyes, his … Oh, sorry. We’re here to talk about cake.
For the Showstopper, everyone has to make fruit-shaped entremets, which seems like it is made up. What even is an entremet? It’s what Peter Parker says to his aunt when she knocks on the door: “Entre, May.” Apparently, it’s a mousse-based dessert with some kind of secret treasure inside. Our bakers have to make fruit-inspired ones that also taste like the fruit. I don’t know, I would go with some serious mind-fuckery, like an orange-shaped entremet that tasted of lime. Imagine how that would short-circuit all of your senses?
The whole challenge, I was mostly worried about my lover Dylan. His sponge was a mess and he couldn’t get them into his molds. Then he couldn’t get his frozen entremets out of their molds, and they looked an absolute mess. Then he almost dropped them all on the floor. Then he dropped a whole orange-shaped cake into his vat of mirror glaze and had to freeze one of his backup desserts, which might not be ready in time. Dylan, how are you doing this to us? He has been a shoo-in as a finalist since week one and now he’s going to blow it over some stinking fruit?
First up for judging is Gill, who made strawberry-shaped treats on shortbread keys, in honor of a time she went strawberry picking and her father lost his keys. But did you see how big those keys were? Was her father Andre the Giant? They look absolutely great and as much like real strawberries as the real strawberries she dipped in chocolate next to them. Prue really loves the mint-jelly insert, as does Paul. I was ready for them to ding her for not doing enough, especially because she was the only person not to make two fruits, but the criticism never came.
Dylan is next, and I held my breath like I just walked into a Starbucks bathroom. It felt like it was all going to go horribly, especially because he didn’t make as many as he was supposed to. But his avocados look like the real thing, as do his oranges. When Paul cuts into the avocado, which was made with avocado mousse, you can see the choux bun inside that looks like a pit. Paul says the avocados are delicate and work perfectly. Prue says the oranges are amazing. Somehow, after all of those setbacks, he still pulled it out.
Christiaan goes up to the judges’ table with a whole cookie tree with little meringue leaves and, honestly, it did nothing for me. Christiaan is one of the most inventive bakers we’ve had all season and has made some spectacularly intricate designs, like his spinning theater and his lantern with actual lights in it. But this did not wow me, though the bergamot-and-basil-filled lemons and sour apple and orange treats look bright, shiny, and absolutely divine. After sampling both, Prue says he didn’t put a single foot wrong. Well, I wish he had put a foot on that ugly tree he didn’t need.
Finally, it’s our girl Georgie, who needs this so, so, so, so, so, so bad you can taste it like a fruit-shaped baked good. Her blackberries and lemons don’t look as photorealistic as everyone else’s, but she’s put them in a gorgeous chocolate basket that is elevating the whole thing. When Paul gets to the whiskey-soaked sponge in her blackberry, he is sold. After Prue samples one of the lemoncello lemons, she asks Georgie if she finally believes in herself because she’s done such a good job.
After these critiques, I honestly had no clue who would be star baker and who would go home. Christiaan carries the day, but I’m not entirely sure why. I think his signature was a little bit above everyone else’s, but since I couldn’t eat any of these (which is something I shall be taking up with Netflix personally), I can’t see the shades of difference that got him a win.
With Gill, who is sent home, I can see it. She didn’t do as much, she was a little bit more safe. But that has been Gill’s approach this whole competition, and it got her to the semifinals. Gill, who was giving off “I’m just happy to be here” all season, is an absolute class act on the way out. She tells Georgie that she has to take home the trophy for the ladies, because the guys couldn’t keep taking it. She tells Dylan that cooking is his calling and that he should pursue being a chef. She even gives her favorite cameraman a hug. I’m not crying, you’re crying, but then I am howling with laughter as Gill pilfers a lavender bowl she’s had her eye on since the first week. Damn, couldn’t we have just made this a four-person finale?
But it’s not. So, who do we think is going to win? I have to say, for me, it’s between Dylan and Georgie. Christiaan has done some great things and is definitely deserving, but it seems like he is sometimes a little too experimental with his flavors. However, if they have to build something stupid as the final challenge, he might have the edge. Dylan has consistently been not only handsome but inventive as well as confident. This week he seemed a bit flummoxed, and I hope that doesn’t continue into next week. Georgie seems like her own worst enemy, and if she can just muster the confidence, she might be able to snatch the title for the ladies, just like our Gill wants.
