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"Mom, can I go to a bush party on an island down by the river tomorrow night?" is an actual question my 17-year old asked me not long ago.
My stomach lurched at the thought of a bunch of teenagers partying beside a fast moving river in the dark. Every mothering instinct in me wanted to scream, "Are you SERIOUS??"
I've officially entered a new era of parenting — the high school party era. With a newly minted 16-year-old and an almost 18-year-old itching to spread their wings, this mama bird is panicking and having a hard time letting go.
So I set some ground rules for my kids to party and for me to have peace of mind.
It's not that I don't want them to have fun and be with their friends and do regular teenager things — because I do. It's also not because I am a helicopter parent who has to know every detail about everything they are doing at all times. And certainly not because I was once a 16-year-old who went to parties and who, in hindsight, did some pretty stupid things and I'd like to spare them this hindsight.
When I was a teenager, no one was recording all the dumb things I did and posting it online for all to see. Sure, mistakes were talked about at school on Monday, but like a political news cycle, they only had enough staying power until someone else did something equally or more stupid. Our teenage decisions didn't live on the internet forever, or get screenshot and shared with everyone on your Snapchat or Instagram account.
I miss the days when I knew most of my kids' friends and their parents and we all looked out for each other's offspring. Dropping my kids off at birthday parties or other peoples' homes was a lot easier 10 years ago.
Now they're in a high school with over 2,500 other kids and making a lot of new friends — friends who don't live in our neighborhood and whose parents I will likely never meet. I will totally admit that part of my fears stem from no longer being able to control who they are hanging out with or know that a trusted adult is with them.
But just because they are beyond my command, doesn't mean we can't find a compromise that both soothes my parenting worries and provides my teens with some safety parameters as we move further along this road of individuation and growing up.
As such, we've come up with some basic rules around going to parties. Some might think these rules are too strict, but it's where we've landed as a family, and so far, they are working.
Rule number one is that we must have the address and a phone number for a parent at the party. Rule number two is that they have to always keep their location on and share it with us on their devices. Rule number three, one we just added, is that we need the contact info of whoever they believe is their most responsible friend. This last rule exists because there have been times when I've had to reach one of my teens and their phones have either run out of juice or the ringer has been turned off (at which point I've had to use the the Find My Phone app to PING their devices).
We've had the drug talk with our kids and for the most part, I trust them to make good decisions around this issue. I also know how peer pressure works and have read too many news stories about teenagers overdosing at parties. Our last rule is that they both must learn how to administer Naloxone/Narcan and have a kit on them when going to larger parties.
In the end, I did let my son go to the island party. The compromise we decided on for that particular party was me driving him to the trailhead to meet up with his friends and then they walked to the party together. One of the other moms picked them up when they were done and everyone was home, safe and sound, well before curfew.
And yes, I did track his phone all night long — my teens might be ready for giant leaps, but this mama bear is still working on baby steps.
