Courtesy of Natalia Buia
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Natalia Buia. It has been edited for length and clarity.
From childhood, I recall not wanting to have children. I never had that desire to be pregnant, or a maternal instinct to take care of children. It just never appealed to me.
Growing up as an only child could have contributed to this. Although my parents loved me and we had a good relationship, we weren't the kind of family you'd see in movies. I suppose it showed me that family isn't a one-size-fits-all. I didn't need to have the "traditional" family set up to be happy.
I also learned to enjoy my own company as a child, which would follow me into adulthood. I'm perfectly content being alone for a lot of the time, and didn't feel I needed children to complete me.
As I headed into my mid to late 20s, girlfriends started to settle down and have kids. This was a hard time for me. We used to go out late at night for food, drinks, and dancing, thinking we'd be best friends forever. But then they all started having children and moving into the suburbs. Their days became birthday parties and sports games.
I started to realize my friendships just weren't going to look the same as they always had.
Dating in my 20s was so much fun. I found that the men I dated weren't desperate to have kids yet. Even then, if I was considering dating someone exclusively, I would ask early on if he wanted kids. If he did, I usually got out of the way as soon as possible. It wouldn't be fair on either of us to continue if we wanted different things. In my 20s, men weren't sure about kids anyway so dating was pretty straightforward and easy.
In my 30s, dating looked different. I hit the age that men were looking to have children, so this limited my pool of people to date. In Toronto especially, I feel like men in their 30s are looking to settle down with a family. Or they already have kids from previous relationships. At times, it can feel discouraging when I consider how few options I have.
However, because I don't want kids, there isn't the same pressure to quickly find someone because I don't have this "body clock" deadline running.
I also started using dating apps regularly. I'm on several apps but like Hinge the most. There is this world of men on these apps, but I have to be careful about who I start to talk to because lots of them do want children, or are open to having children in the future.
I make sure that when I'm looking at guys' profiles, I don't just swipe right if they look good. I spend time reading their profile to find out what they think about having children. A lot of the men who swipe right on me clearly don't do this, because once I start messaging them, I quickly find out they do want kids.
I also wish the apps didn't suggest profiles of men who want kids. It wastes my time having to filter out who does and doesn't want kids.
Not too long ago, I matched with someone who I thought was really cute and started talking to him. He had so much potential, and I was really excited about the prospect. But after a few hours of back and forth, I brought up the dealbreaker question and he said he did want kids. He made the decision to cut me off, which I totally understood, but was disappointed by.
Certain apps allow you to pay extra if you want to filter out profiles that wouldn't match with yours, but it can cost up to $25 a week. I can't afford that.
I'll continue using the apps for now, even though I find them irritating as a childfree woman, but I'm content and not taking dating seriously right now. There are moments I feel I'd love to have a romantic partner to live life with, but overall, I'm happy working, hanging out with friends, and enjoying my own company.
