Dear Eric: I’m gay and a dad. Recently, my 16-year-old’s phone was connected to the car display, and I noticed that he had changed his phone contact for me from Dad to my real name and changed my husband’s name to Dad.
My feelings are hurt. Am I overreacting or should I have a discussion with my son about it? I can’t stop thinking about what could’ve happened to cause this change.
– Used to Be Dad
Dear Dad: I understand why this hits a sensitive spot for you.
Your relationship with your kid probably continues to change and develop as he moves toward adulthood. And I imagine there have been people at various points in your life who have questioned the legitimacy of your family structure. But you know the truth: you are your kid’s dad, and you always will be.
So, what’s going on with him? Probably nothing. Maybe it’s funny to him that when his father calls, his full government name pops up on the screen. Maybe he’s experimenting with being more mature and testing out new nomenclature. Our phones are places where we deposit the weird insides of our brains, and it doesn’t always make sense to the outside eye.
I’m curious what he calls you when speaking to you. Are you still “Dad”? Or has that changed, too? That’s a better measure, I think.
But the best measure of the strength of your relationship is your actual relationship. Try to put aside the hurt; chalk it up to teen capriciousness. Mention it to him casually if you’re nervous that it means something bigger. “I see you changed my name on your phone. Any story there?” If he gives that textbook teen response “Nothing” (or its cousin: a shrug), let it be just that.
Dear Eric: I have two brothers who have recently failed to send a birthday gift or even a card to my 12-year-old daughter.
My wife and I on the other hand always send birthday gifts or money and a card to their kids, our nieces and nephews.
My daughter took note of not getting a gift from them this past year in a sad kind of manner. She enjoys her aunts and uncles and cousins otherwise.
One of my brothers just sent a request for a video game birthday gift to his 9-year-old son. I am happy to give a gift to my nephew but also a bit annoyed that this is not reciprocated. Welcome your advice.
– No Gift Back
Dear No Gift Back: Send the gift but have a separate conversation with your brothers about what gifts mean to your daughter and how the lack of acknowledgment has made her and you feel.
The niece/nephew gift exchange need not be tit-for-tat, but it’s important that your brothers know that you’re not feeling the kind of family connection that you want.
Offer to send them reminders or gift request lists, if you want, for your daughter’s sake. This may not be an intentional slight; they may simply not be great at keeping up with birthdays.
[Miss Manners also got a letter about a child whose birthday was ignored by an uncle. Here’s what she said.]
Dear Eric: My brother-in-law is coming for a visit. He likes to drink very high-end alcohol. As a host, how much do I have to provide?
He can easily polish an entire bottle off in one night. He is visiting for a week.
My husband and I occasionally will have a glass of cheap red wine. I’m struggling with being a good host and not blowing my grocery budget.
– Teetotaler Host
Dear Host: As the guest, shouldn’t your brother-in-law be bringing you a fancy bottle of his favorite spirit as a thank you, not the other way around?
At most, you can buy one of his preferred bottles, as a gesture of hospitality. But guests shouldn’t come with contract riders. If you don’t have something he wants, he’s capable of stocking the bar himself.
Sometimes, part of making oneself at home when visiting is asking the host for directions to the liquor store.
Dear Eric: I read the letter from “Unchanged Channel” regarding the widowed parent who only wants to watch TV and not socialize. From the point of view of one who was widowed eight years ago, after 43 years of marriage, I would tell the children not to worry.
They should know that at each and every doctor’s appointment to which we older folk go, we are asked Medicare’s required questions designed to identify depression and overindulgence (even at the dermatologist). The kids should ensure that their mother goes at least yearly to a general practitioner to monitor her health; this could go quite a way toward their peace of mind.
– Enjoying Life
Dear Life: Thank you for raising the importance of keeping up regular health monitoring with a primary care physician and specialists.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
