SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, Ca. — Veteran porn actress Mia Khalifa, perhaps best known for combining international affairs commentary with a significant tolerance for semen, recently released a video via social media that has left many of her veteran fans more likely to scratch their big heads than their small ones.
Khalifa, who first came into the public eye when a scene she filmed in hijab earned her both the number one spot on Pornhub and death threats from ISIS, has turned herself into an OnlyFans personality cum foreign affairs expert.
Now, a woman whose body count makes Chris Kyle’s numbers look pedestrian has expressed concerns about the VA and post-service healthcare in a video commentary: “Good morning to everyone who is not in the US military. Good morning to everyone who is sitting at home and not on soil that doesn’t belong to them, fighting a war for a country that doesn’t care about them. I hope you go over there and get your little brain all scrambled up with PTSD and come back here and see how much the United States cares about you, Pookie!”
Responses were swift, if mixed.
Pentagon spokesman Col. Chuck Dowdle said the DoD Skillbridge program would immediately withdraw from its agreement with OnlyFans, even if some servicemembers haven’t finished.
“The Department is pulling out of anything related to Khalifa. Regardless of what positions we may have taken previously, we can no longer get behind a woman who denigrates veterans. Unless, of course, they have agreed upon limits and an easily uttered and understood safe word.” The OnlyFans withdrawal is particularly distressing to a soon-to-separate Navy Yeoman who asked to be identified only as “Vixen Enigma.” “I had 90 days lined up to do nothing but take feet pics, and now they cut the program. What am I supposed to do now? Go to college or learn a skill with long-term earning potential?”
Some servicemembers feel the backlash to the video is just a typical overreaction in a hyper-politicized America. Reflecting on time spent in Kandahar, Afghanistan, during Khalifa’s 2014 heyday, Sgt. 1st Class Abe Masters asked, “Are we committed to free speech or not? I think we all understand that while politics may not end at America’s borders, it absolutely halts at the doorway to a 145° portajohn. I stand with Mia. Or at least I do until I knock that sucker down, and it’s clean-up time.”
Lt. Col. Sheila Cain, an Air Force psychologist, says Khalifa’s celebrity status “could help raise consciousness about PTSD among an audience familiar with both her work and personal lubricants.” But Coast Guard Boatswain’s Mate Jimmy Onan disagrees. “Consciousness? I ain’t trying to raise nothing but my dick, man,” he said. “This chick is a deployment 15, but, like, what category is this even? How do I search for it later? Where are the three dudes? I got through it, but this was a very confusing nut, dog.”
