Most of us inhabit pretty unromantic lives, particularly when it comes to getting into and sustaining relationships. From interview-style dates to unaffectionate couples who feel more like roommates, we’ve sucked the joy out of our interpersonal relationships, leaving many to feel that romance is just too evasive or idealistic to obtain.
But romance isn’t just for the starry-eyed. It’s perfectly attainable if we take a moment to consider just how much we get in our own way when it comes to making time for a romantic life. Romance can be everywhere—the stressful daily grind be damned.
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]Much of my work as a sex coach is helping people see how bogged down in daily life they become, and how, when there is space to relax, dream, and even luxuriate in having nothing on the to-do list, romance becomes possible again.
Most couples that I work with express the desire for more frequent sex. But when I ask about their general sense of nonsexual intimacy in the relationship (i.e. romance), they share that there really hasn’t been enough time for that. Then I ask about the last time they had together where neither of them was working or had many outside commitments. They usually recall a time in the past when they had vacation sex or a deep conversation that they otherwise wouldn’t have had. They muse over a shared experience that brought them joy—how natural it felt to be in the moment with each other, and how the tone of the time they spent together was, in fact, romantic.
Romance is not just a feeling of love, though it can feel the most powerful when love is present. It’s the excitement of “good newness” in our lives, usually involving a feeling of remoteness from everyday stress of personal achievement through work, school, or family. Romance also asks us to be connected, whether that’s to nature, to each other, or to ourselves; to pay attention to the beauty around us, which is difficult in our modern culture of escapism through devices.
Some of us have even forgotten how to flirt. I often have to remind my dating clients to look up from their phones while they are out, notice who is noticing them, and to meet friendly gazes and smiles in kind.
So many of us are on guard against the world right now that we miss when sweetness is present. We think someone’s interest in us must have ulterior motives, rather than it being a bid for connection and romance. And oftentimes, we unwittingly miss opportunities we so desperately crave.
Read More: Love Doesn’t Have to Be Unconditional
Romance can add so much to our experience of daily life. It helps us break free from our habits and can expand our sense of who we are and what we are capable of. It allows us to feel that we aren’t just brains moving from one task to another. We have five senses that are begging to be activated.
Of course, to fill this need we can’t be on vacation all of the time (as much as we’d like to be). So how do we fit romance fit in with everything else we have to do? Because while the benefits of rest are irrefutable, it is the first thing to get compromised in our busy lives.
In 2024, the average American works about 34 hours a week. This number includes part-time employees, so we can infer that many full-time workers are putting in more time. Add to this the hours needed for commuting, errands, childcare, domestic tasks, and socializing with friends and family, and there just isn’t much time left in the week for romance. There often isn’t even time for taking time off. According to Forbes, about a third (31%) of the workforce does not receive any paid time off. Of those who do get it, many of them leave about a quarter (27.2%) of time off unused, and over half report working during their time off. Even when we are given the opportunity to recharge and take advantage of hours we could use for dates, wandering, and exploring the unknown (both internal and external), we don’t prioritize it.
Technology also gets blamed for our modern disconnection from our senses, and there’s some truth to this. Screen time for Americans is up to about seven hours per day, with about two of those hours being on social media. Yes, joy and connection can be found online, but overuse of devices cuts us off from our immediate surroundings and possibilities to connect more deeply and romantically with our people in real life.
Because we live within systems that don’t support romantic living, romance is something we have to fight to make time for. Worker rights activists, for instance, have long advocated for more work-life balance, most recently the four-day work week. The free time this would create could increase romance in our lives. In fact, the ethnographer Kristen Ghodsee explains in her book, Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism, that sexual frequency does increase with more free time, free childcare, and better social support for families.
While the average American is far off from having the kind of work-life balance that could naturally enhance their romantic lives, there are things you can do now. Bringing romance into your life can result from putting hard limits on screen time and proactively scheduling more time in your week for connecting with those around you, from the stranger with kind eyes at the cafe to your partner while you’re at dinner. It can mean allowing yourself time in nature, literally smelling the flowers or bringing some home. It can be a date with your love once a week or once a month—whatever your schedule can allow.
What romance isn’t is something frivolous and elusive. You can access it if you can give yourself permission to take the time to do so.
