Election Day is finally here, but it's probably going to be a while before we know who won. In the meantime, here are 10 things you might as well read about while you're waiting for the results.
1) The libs are already crying.
CNN interviewed a "local university employee" in Michigan who started crying when asked why he voted for Kamala Harris. (Because of abortion, that's why.)
2) Democratic cities are ready for riots.
Business in Washington, D.C., and other liberal cities are boarding up their windows, presumably out of concern for what their overwhelmingly Democratic residents might do if their preferred candidate doesn't win.
3) New York Times employees are a bunch of babies.
The paper's tech workers are on strike this week. Their demands include "a ban on scented products in break rooms, unlimited break time, and accommodations for pet bereavement, as well as mandatory trigger warnings in company meetings discussing events in the news."
4) 'Elite' universities are still treating their students like children.
The Georgetown School of Public Policy has opened a "self-care suite" for students suffering from election-related anxiety. Offerings include "coloring and mindfulness exercises" and "milk and cookies," as well as "self-guided meditation." There's also a "Legos station," obviously.
5) The Joe Biden problem.
The president will not attend Kamala Harris's election night watch party. It's unclear if he was even invited. Democrats and their media friends have spent a lot of time worrying about whether Donald Trump will try to seize power if he loses. They haven't really considered the possibility that Sleepy Joe and Dr. Jill will refuse to leave if Harris wins.
6) Canadians can't vote in American elections.
Legendary actor William Shatner reminded his American followers that as a Canadian citizen living in the United States, he's not allowed to vote in our elections. But there's no good reason why we shouldn't be allowed to vote in theirs.
7) Neither can Europeans.
A pointless poll of the effete liberal residents of decaying European societies found overwhelming support for Kamala Harris. Fortunately, they can't vote in our elections either. But it must be nice for them to imagine that they could, or at least to imagine how much better their lives would be with air-conditioning and machines that dry their clothes.
8) It's going to be OK.
Whichever candidate ends up winning this relatively normal and low-stakes presidential election, all Americans can take comfort and joy in the fact that they don't have to live in Canada or Europe. You don't have to spend all day looking at your phone. You could do something else instead.
9) Kate Upton still exists.
10) So does Sydney Sweeney.
Bonus #1) Puppies!
Bonus #2) Kate Upton again.
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