Courtesy of Angi Lewis
Professional organizer Carol Applebaum listened sympathetically as her client enthused about her grand downsizing plan: she hoped to distribute her "treasures" among her children so they could love them as much as she had done.
The items — rich with sentimental, but not so much monetary value — ranged from dolls to teddy bears, pillows, quilts, and Boy Scout trophies.
The most precious item she hoped to gift her daughter, who was then in high school, was a hand-painted canvas that once hung beside her crib.
"It'll be perfect for when she has a baby girl of her own," the woman told Applebaum.
The organizer took a deep breath. She told her client to ask her children which belongings they'd like to receive. But she warned that their response might not be quite what she expected.
"Many parents long to pass down cherished possessions to their children, hoping to preserve family history and memories," Applebaum told Business Insider. "But younger generations move from location to location, have different tastes and lifestyles, and often decline."
She has met parents who felt insulted and betrayed. If they gave into their guilt, the children felt obliged to take stuff they neither liked nor had room for.
Applebaum, who charges $125 an hour for her services, said she is in an optimal position to understand all parties. Her mother died three years ago at 89, assuming that her most precious belongings would forever be cherished by Applebaum, 58, and her 28-year-old daughter.
They included a 12 place-setting china box with four sizes of every plate and bowl. The matriarch had spoken fondly of her granddaughter bringing them out to entertain guests.
"The problem is my daughter is a minimalist like me — and she also lives in a small New York City apartment," Applebaum said.
She said the pair is struggling to bypass the guilt of not wanting the heirlooms. The outdated china has been stacked on top of a cupboard in Applebaum's home in Houston until they decide what to do with it.
"I share this story with my clients to give them an insight into how emotionally draining it can be for their children," the organizer said.
She used her experience to convince the client with the outsize nursery canvas to donate the artwork to a women's shelter. "Her teenager didn't want it, but we knew that at least one new mom would find it beautiful."
Applebaum said it was common for empty nesters to preserve the contents of their kids' bedrooms like exhibits in a museum. "They're worried they'll be upset if they're gone after they graduate from college," she told BI.
Courtesy of Carol Applebaum
Such fears are often baseless. "Most adult children want their parents to move on with their lives," she said. "I tell my clients, 'It's better for you to show them you're looking forward to your time with them in the future and that you're not trying to hold them in their past.'"
Applebaum advised people to take photos of items that can't easily be passed along. "A picture can be enough of a precious memory," she added.
Meanwhile, she said it was important for people to be honest about the psychological effects of dealing with unwanted hand-me-downs.
She cited the case of a client who'd inherited a slew of antiques from her husband's parents. "Unfortunately, the style didn't fit their modern home decor," she said.
The grieving couple installed the outdated possessions in a large room in their house. They'd leave the door open but rarely went in. "Every time they walked past, it felt more oppressive," Applebaum said.
She asked why they'd kept the furniture. They admitted they had never really discussed it. The wife assumed her husband couldn't part with the junk for sentimental reasons, but he thought it was she who didn't want to let go.
"All it took was a proper conversation," Applebaum, who helped the pair sell the items for thousands of dollars, said.
Do you have an interesting story about passing on or receiving family heirlooms to share with Business Insider? Please send details to jridley@businessinsider.com.
