Excerpts from Side A of this year’s worst-selling Halloween cassette tape. To listen to the audio versions of these sketches and others, click here.
LAURA: Dave, is that you?
YOU: Babe! I mean, Laura. How… how are you?
LAURA: So so good. I haven’t seen you in, what, over a year?
YOU: Seventeen months. Yeah, it has been a while. Crazy, crazy. But you look great. Are you still seeing… never mind, not my business. I, um, see you still like hummus.
LAURA: What? Oh, yeah, got some Sabra in my cart. I still like hummus, I guess. Listen, we should grab a coffee sometime…
YOU: Yes!
LAURA: … And catch up.
YOU: We should do that. Didn’t change your number on me, did you? Ha ha.
LAURA: What? No, still the same number—but listen, I’ll email you soon. So great bumping into you. So random.
YOU: Totally, totally. Sounds good, I’ll be waiting for your email. Not like on my phone, hitting refresh like, “Where is her email?” but you know what I mean.
LAURA: You take care of yourself, Dave.
YOU: You too, ba… Laura. Don’t be a stranger.
LAURA: What?
YOU: Nothing.
YOU: So, how do you know Ann and Jon?
PENN JILLETTE: The problem with parties, or any social gatherings for that matter, is that Big Government has made it impossible to have any fun at all. See those battery-operated votive lights at the buffet? We can’t have actual candles because Uncle Sam is worried about the tablecloth catching fire. And the tablecloth has to be “flame retardant.” Why can’t we use real flames on a real, 100 percent cotton tablecloth, using the best brands as determined by the free market? And if I burn down Ann and Jon’s apartment, so be it. At least I’ll die free.
YOU: So, do you know them from work or…?
STEVE: Keith? Keith Guehrke, is that you?
YOU: Oh, hey, buddy. How are you?
STEVE: Good, good. Oh man, how long has it been?
YOU: Been a while, hasn’t it? Couldn’t even guess how long it’s been.
STEVE: I’ve got it—May 2022, right before your daughter’s graduation. How is Jessica anyway? She’s got to be close to getting her teaching degree at Northwestern by now, right?
YOU: Yes, actually. She gets her certification next summer. What about you? What’s the latest with you and…your family?
STEVE: Family’s been better. I’m sure you saw the obituary. But heck, you must be on cloud nine after your promotion at Jack Link’s, Mr. “Corporate Communications Manager.”
YOU: Yes, well, it’s a lot of responsibility, but the pay raise is nice. And you? How’s your job going?
STEVE: Still looking, but my heart hasn’t been in it since the boating accident. Well, hey, don’t let me keep you, Keith. You must be busy prepping for tomorrow.
YOU: Tomorrow?
STEVE: Your birthday! October 28, right? The big 5-0. Happy early birthday, Keith. Give my best to Sarah, Jessica, Brian, and your lovely parents, Jeanne and Dan.
YOU: Thank you… buddy.
YOU: Oh shoot. Don’t … I don’t think this is the movie we should all watch tonight.
MOM: Why not? We both just loved her in Ghost.
YOU: This is … different I’ve heard. Oh my god.
MOM: Oh my god.
DAD: What is she doing to herself?
YOU: Is that her … oh man. I think we should change the channel.
MOM: Daddy lost the remote. We only watch this channel now.
YOU: Oh my god.
DAD: Oh, dear Lord.
YOU: Oh Jesus.
YOU (overly friendly): I think this is on … there we go. I can hear myself now. Hey, Rhonda!
RHONDA: Hi there. I guess we’re the first.
YOU: I guess so, yeah!
RHONDA: So… how are you?
YOU: Good. You okay?
RHONDA: Yup. Everything is cool.
YOU: I haven’t seen you in awhile—[ding sound] oh, Jamie is here!! Hi, Jamie!
JAMIE: Hi, Randy.
YOU: Hi!
JAMIE: Hi, Rhonda.
RHONDA: Hi.
YOU: I haven’t seen you lately, Jamie! How are you? Is that your cat in the background?
JAMIE: Yeah. Captain Lick.
YOU: That’s an amazing name!
JAMIE: My daughter came up with it.
YOU: Well, she’s very creative!
[Very long moment of silence.]
YOU: So…
JAMIE: Yeah…
RHONDA: Hmm hmm…
[Another long moment of silence. Ding.]
YOU: Oh, it’s Craig! [ding] And Tony! Hi, Tony! [ding] And Ben! Hi, Ben! Looks like all the office is arriving now! Finally, right?!
BEN: Hey, guys.
CRAIG: Hey, guys.
YOU: I guess we’re just waiting on David! The el jefe. The big man. The boss!
CRAIG: I guess so.
[Very long moment of silence. Ding.]
YOU: Oh, speak of the devil! (very enthused) Hi, David!!!
DAVID: Okay, let’s get right to it. Randy, what the fuck were you thinking?! In the office kitchen? You couldn’t have waited until you got home?! What in the goddamn hell was that?!
