Rumour has it that perimenopause is a second puberty. But is the transition out of fertility really as challenging as the transition in?
If you’re like many people who menstruate, that idea feels daunting. Research has linked female puberty with anxiety, stress and depression. It’s easy to assume that perimenopause means not only similar emotional upheaval, but an end to your sex life.
One study showed that 69% of women glean much of their perimenopause information online. And while challenges leading up to your last period are real and worthy of support, messaging about perimenopause and sex seems deceptively negative. Low libido. Vaginal dryness. A sex life that shrivels up and dies.
Menopause has been medicalized to the point that it’s feared and avoided in sexual wellness conversations, noted Shannon Chavez, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. As a result, there’s little focus on how to “embrace this sexual stage of life feeling empowered and ready,” she said. “It’s often been viewed as an end of fertility and, therefore, an end of sexual relevance.” Women are discouraged from exploring ways to adapt to sexual changes and thus are often convinced their desirability, vitality and sexuality decline with age, Chavez said.
Those ideas may become self-fulfilling, given that sex-related beliefs can affect sexual function. If you consider great sex impossible as your fertility wanes, why even try to enjoy it? Such beliefs could stand in the way of potential positives, including the best sex you’ve ever had (yes, really!).
Consider the following ways sex and intimacy can improve during perimenopause and beyond, according to experts.
Many people report experiencing reduced libido during perimenopause, but plenty experience the opposite due to hormonal fluctuations. Gynecologist and menopause expert Dr. Heather Bartos sees this in her practice and pointed to other common reasons, like fewer parenting responsibilities at this stage of life and heightened personal growth.
“You may finally feel now, in perimenopause, that you’re reaching your full life potential and that is a very sexy feeling,” she said. Given that the brain is the most powerful sex organ, she added, the ability to relax more in your 40s or 50s can bolster sexual desire. That may be one reason older women report having more satisfying sex than younger women.
If you used to get turned on in a snap and now find that it takes more effort, you’re experiencing responsive, versus spontaneous, desire. It’s easy to mistake this common shift during perimenopause for low libido, but responsive desire isn’t no libido. It’s simply a different style.
More responsive desire can help you hone in on types of stimulation and connection you want, Chavez said, making way for more mindful and embodied sexual experiences as you value quality over quantity. You might prioritize certain types of touch, for example, or explore erotica or role-play for slower-to-build, fuller-body arousal. Research has linked mindfulness with increased mind and body arousal in women.
Responsive desire also encourages partners to examine what feels good during sex, said Chavez, while reducing performance anxiety. “Sex becomes more meaningful and pleasurable without the goals and performative measures of what is expected,” she added. So sex may be less about quickies toward orgasm and more about consciousness exploration.
Exploring what stokes your sexual flames during perimenopause invites novelty. And trying new things can be great for your sex life. One study showed that couples who try new activities together, especially activities involving touch, produce more oxytocin, a hormone that fosters attraction and closeness. Novelty is also linked with keeping sexual sparks alive long term.
In her book, “Sex, When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido & Rediscovering Desire,” Cyndi Darnell — a sex and relationships therapist, coach and menopause expert — describes novelty as crucial for good sex.
“But novelty doesn’t mean different positions and new vibrators, though that can be part of it,” she told HuffPost. It’s more about rediscovering yourself, she said.
Darnell considers perimenopause a prime time to ask yourself questions like, “If I want sex in this newly emerging body, what’s going to feel good? What might I be willing to explore? Am I willing to take risks in meeting myself there?”
Whether your sexual desire has grown more responsive or you have higher standards, thanks to increased confidence and experience, you may not want to settle for anything but gratifying sex during perimenopause.
“We aren’t putting up with the crap that we put up with in our youth,” said Bartos. She finds that “the woman in perimenopause wants to be foreplayed, honoured and cherished in her sexual experiences.”
Readily speaking up may bolster perimenopausal sex, too. “When we enter this stage, we are often more comfortable discussing what we want and need sexually, which leads to deeper connection in intimacy and more focus on mutual pleasure,” said Chavez, who sees these benefits unfold among clients. “Sex is often more enjoyable because they are having conversations with partners, talking to a therapist about concerns, and not feeling isolated.”
Bartos has experienced this perk. “I found perimenopause to be a good thing for sex because I finally felt like I owned my voice,” she said. “I felt as if I could finally speak what it is I wanted and desired without feeling shamed or hesitant — and that alone improves sexual experiences.”
Gratifying romps during perimenopause may require some troubleshooting. And that may improve sex beyond specific issues you’re addressing.
“Dealing with these challenges can create opportunities for deeper connection through communication, exploration and creativity, which changes the landscape and dynamics of sexual relationships,” said Chavez.
You might experience more fun and pleasure while you’re at it. Maria S, a 48-year-old mom and educator in the Midwest, credits her perimenopause challenges for her becoming more orgasmic. “Through my 30s I could get off …consistently,” she told HuffPost. “A few months ago, I tried my first sex toy because I wasn’t having orgasms as often, and now I sometimes have two.” The toy, a rabbit-style vibrator, helped her discover an area of her body that “does it every time,” she said, whether she uses it or not.
Regardless of your perimenopausal experience, you don’t need to wait for a sex crisis to seek support. Helpful options may include menopause coaching; sex therapy; medical treatment, like hormone replacement therapy; or anything that helps you manage stress — which, research shows, negatively impacts women’s sexual satisfaction more so than menopause.
Darnell believes everyone needs support, and perimenopause is no exception.
“Changing is scary; change is exhilarating,” she said. “And the social narratives around menopause being the autumn of our lives and us losing our power are bullshit. Menopause is when you find [that power], if you hadn’t previously, or it takes on a new form.”
