Life has a funny way of catching us off guard when we least expect it. Through experiences, it changes and transforms us in ways we couldn’t have dreamed of – sometimes until we hardly recognize who we once were.
For me, that journey began long ago. Diagnosed with neurodermatitis at just six months old, I’ve dealt with eczema my whole life. From age 2-6, I lived in a war zone in former Yugoslavia. At age 10, my family and I moved to the United States as refugees, but that same year, my eczema worsened. Prescribed topical steroids to manage it for over 14 years, I was eventually led to TSW (Topical Steroid Withdrawal), which I’m still healing from 10 years later.
I carried the wounds of war not only inside of me, but also on my skin. The eczema grew worse, and other health issues followed. The stress and trauma from the war manifested in my life in ways I couldn’t understand at the time. My health continued to deteriorate, leading to three suicide attempts at 23. It was shortly after this that I start my journey with TSW.
Imagine your skin burning, peeling, itching, and oozing—constantly, with little to no relief. I was unable to feed, bathe, or dress myself. I was fully bedridden for years. This was my reality for the last decade.
Isolated from the world and myself, I was only focused on survival. Mirrors and bright lighting became traumatizing, reflecting a version of me I couldn’t recognize. I lost all my hair and was burning red from head to toe, with open wounds covering my body. I felt disgusting on the outside, and deep wounds of unworthiness emerged from within at the same time—ones I now understand are rooted in childhood and weren’t addressed.
Isolation was both my prison and sanctuary. Dating wasn’t even an option. While I did try dating a few times, at some point, I became jaded with love. I decided love would never be for me and I’d be an old lady alone with a million cats and dogs. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, either!)
But life had a plot twist for me.
After gaining some physical strength through TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), I realized that I needed to begin doing deeper inner work. I started to see clearly how my body was reflecting all the trauma that had been suppressed for decades.
So I began the work—meditation, hypnotherapy, CBT, somatic work, breath work, journaling, etc. I confronted suppressed memories, and faced the demons that haunted me – one by one. The process hasn’t been easy, but it began to shift everything in my life—from the inside out.
Little by little, I peeled back the layers, allowing myself to heal—not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I started reclaiming pieces of myself, navigating the ups and downs of eczema and TSW, and most importantly, listening to my body.
While self-love is important, I’ve learned that sometimes someone else’s love helps us heal wounds we can’t reach on our own. There are parts of ourselves we only discover in the reflection of someone else, especially in a close relationship.
And that’s exactly what happened a little over a year ago. Meeting someone who saw beyond my wounds and embraced my true self was a blessing I never expected. His unconditional love – something I had never experienced from a partner, and honestly, didn’t feel worthy of, became a sort of mirror. It started reflecting the parts of myself I still struggled to embrace. The parts of myself that still needed healing.
Being in a healthy relationship now, after years of isolation and having no romantic relationship for 6 years, has been both strange and amazing. Everything feels new—the laughter, new adventures, and even the simple things – like holding someone’s hand and feeling their touch. Often, I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, but instead of giving into fear, I’m learning to embrace the present and let go of the past. I’m learning to believe I deserve the happiness.
I truly believe the inner work—the deep emotional and mental healing—opened me up to this relationship. My “plan” of being an “old cat lady” was ruined.
Now, I’m happy to say I’m in a long-term, committed, and healthy relationship—a plot twist I never saw coming.
To anyone with eczema, TSW, or other health conditions, who feels love and joy are for others and not you, like I once did—I want you to know that healing is possible. It might take time and it might look different than you thought, but it’s there. And it is waiting for you. And when it does come, it’s more beautiful and fulfilling than you could ever imagine.
So here I am, still healing, still learning, but now with someone by my side. Now, It’s no longer just me. Instead, we’re a team – eczema, TSW, and all.
Life is strange that way. Just when you think you’ve figured it out, it throws something unexpected your way. But sometimes, those plot twists are the best things that could ever happen to us.
