DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m feeling uneasy after a recent family dinner celebrating my brother-in-law’s birthday.
During the gathering, I mentioned that my older sister, his wife, told me she was purposely avoiding losing weight because she doesn’t want to get pregnant. I didn’t mean to bring it up, but it’s clear my brother-in-law really wants to have a child now, and he seemed frustrated when I said that.
My other sister had a similar experience: She was overweight for years and was married for a decade without kids. After she lost weight, she got pregnant, and now her little one is turning 3.
I thought I was sharing something insightful, but now I’m worried I might have caused tension in my older sister’s marriage. How can I help mend things between them and be more supportive moving forward?
— Worried Sibling
DEAR WORRIED SIBLING: Think before you speak. Being empathetic with your brother-in-law is fine. Sharing family secrets with him should be off-limits.
That information would have been more useful for you to share with his wife, your sister, in case she changes her mind. But since she told you directly that she is avoiding having a baby, you should have stayed out of that conversation. It isn’t your business.
What you can do now is speak to your sister, tell her what you did and apologize for crossing the line. Moving forward, keep your mouth shut about sensitive personal topics.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My older brother is getting married soon, and I haven’t been included in much of the planning process.
We used to be close. However, since he started dating his fiancee — one of my classmates from high school — we have grown apart.
My future sister-in-law and I had no serious beef toward each other in high school.
It’s hard to watch my brother and his fiancee so happily involved in this wedding planning while I’m on the sidelines. Just last week, I saw a group photo of them with their wedding planner and friends, including some of our cousins, and it really hit me how distant we’ve become.
I’m genuinely happy for him, but I can’t shake the hurt of being left out.
How can I address this with him without seeming like an attention seeker?
— Left Out Sibling
DEAR LEFT OUT SIBLING: Invite your brother to get together with you. At your meeting, tell him how happy you are for him at this time of new beginnings. Ask him how everything is going, and listen so that you can contribute to the conversation in a meaningful way.
Next, tell him that you want to share your feelings with him. Express how distant you believe the two of you have become of late. Share that you want to continue to be close to him as he starts this next chapter, yet you feel that you are growing apart.
Ask him if something happened to create tension between you and if he would like to stay close. If his response is vague, inquire as to whether his fiancee doesn’t want you around. You need to find out what’s going on — and then work to mend it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
