I recently had a dream about a former best friend. It’s been years since I’ve seen her and, to be honest, I haven’t thought of her much lately. But still, every now and then, she comes to mind.
In the dream, she walked by me at Barnes & Noble. I did a double-take but didn’t think there was a chance it was her.
“Hey, bud,” the woman said. It was her. We made small talk. I don’t remember what we chatted about. But after we said our goodbyes and she walked away, I yelled at her.
“You really fucking hurt me, dude,” I screamed.
“I know. And what are you going to do about it?” She replied knowingly with the razor-sharp wisdom I always loved her for.
Then I woke up.
I couldn’t fall back asleep for some time as I thought about what happened. The former best friend in question and I had what I thought was a wonderful and healthy friendship, but eventually, she stopped calling and I stopped trying in return. You can only knock on an abandoned door so many times until you realize there’s no one left on the other side (or at least someone who wants to answer it).
I never got a full answer as to what happened. She sent a few texts apologizing for the distance but never made the effort the close the gap. That said, I have my suspicions and I can see where I was too much and why she felt the need to end our friendship.
But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Sometimes, it still does. After all, I was still choosing her until I realized she no longer was choosing me back. And when that happens, you need to choose yourself, even if it breaks your heart.
Friendship breakups, in my opinion, are some of the most stubborn kinds of heartache. Because we know that romantic love can be more volatile. Heartbreak is the risk you know you take with getting involved with someone romantically.
With friendship, though, there’s an unspoken understanding that you’re in this for the long run. You’ve got each other’s backs when the significant other leaves. When the job doesn’t pan out. When it’s Friday night and you just want to watch TV together in silence while occasionally showing each other TikToks. Your best friend is just someone you always assume will be there.
Until one day, they’re not. Sometimes, you know why but when things end without a clear answer, you have two choices. You can either look back and torture yourself over a place you can no longer return to or you can give yourself closure without them.
With space, we can look at the full picture more objectively. I can see now that there were many ways we were different that wouldn’t be compatible for a long-term friendship. In the end, it doesn’t matter if I could have done better or if she could have communicated more. What it comes down to is that she isn’t here. That is her decision. I wish her nothing but the best.
The thing about a broken heart is that it always will mend, and when that broken heart mends, all that’s leftover is love. I have nothing but love left for her. She taught me so much. She helped me through so much. She was my person until one day she wasn’t but that doesn’t mean she didn’t matter. Maybe it means she mattered more.
How wonderful we can impact one another that way.
