Why aren’t we letting the Goldens travel? They don’t need to country hop, but they’re not even getting a beach trip! I refuse to count Disneyland and Las Vegas because it’s not Bachelor travel until you have a balcony of people shouting the lead’s name. Put that Cheerios sponsorship money to good use, people. I want to see Charles in Germany wearing some Lederhosen while he tells the camera how much fun he and the guys are having.
I don’t know how to feel about the Chock fake-out this week. We start the episode with a preview of Chock and Joan hugging and crying as he seems ready to say good-bye, and then we cut to Charles teaching everyone what I think is tai chi, a story line I am much more interested in. Did you offer to teach this, Charles? Did everyone talk about special skills while sitting in a circle, and then people ended up leading classes? Was Pascal’s special skill how to pay people to do things for you? (I am not against it.)
This week we have two more one-on-ones and one group date. The number of men is getting swiftly winnowed as we go from 11 to seven this week. Jordan and Guy get the one-on-ones, so the group date is Jonathan, Pascal, Dan, Charles, Gary, Mark, Gil, Chock, and Keith. This sounds like a big group, but in all likelihood, you want to be part of a crowd for this date, as it is Sexy Man Dancing for Charity. The date card reads “Let’s bare it all for love,” and while Keith thinks the men will be pole dancing (close), Mark theorizes bear wrestling. Oh, Mark.
Kaitlyn Bristowe is there, which, okay. The franchise seems to love bringing her back. I’m still not psyched about what she said in August, but I do love when someone says horrible things and then blames other people’s reactions for not having a sense of humor. Wow, why didn’t I consider that I had no sense of humor when you were throwing your friend under the bus in an extremely tasteless way? That’s on me, ma’am.
They’re at a theater for the date, and Chippendales men come on stage, soon followed by “original Chippendales.” The Chippendales dance troupe was founded in 1979, so 45 years ago. So let’s assume these men are a minimum of 65. They look great! And apparently they are still performing. It’s nice to know that Sexy Man Dancing can have some longevity as a career. The Chippendales are there to help the Mansion Men create a routine, which they will be performing in front of an audience. Their performance will benefit Stand Up to Cancer, a cancer-research charity. The Chippendales emphasize the importance of the body roll as a Sexy Dance Move, and they’re not wrong.
Keith is very excited and keeps telling people he’s wanted to be a Chippendales dancer since he was 20. Chock wants three Chardonnays. I don’t know how to explain why I don’t like Chock and I do like Joan, but I can see them working very well together. I don’t want them to, but I can see it. Also, Joan would have loved that Chardonnay comment. The men have to pick an outfit for their dance. Jonathan’s is labeled “Sergeant Sexy” and includes sparkly gold underpants. Charles seems to have a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap? Why is there a baseball cap?
They’re all dancing together onstage, which is why you want a bigger group for this date, but they do all have to do a little solo number down the runway and in front of Joan. Jonathan seems very at home and tears off his shirt and pants in front of Joan, revealing the aforementioned gold underpants. Kaitlyn calls Mark a DILF. Gary tells us “I’m doing my little butt thing” and rips open his shirt. I love Gary so much. Chock does what I can only describe as pelvic thrusts over Joan, and I am deeply uncomfortable. He still looks like an Iowan insurance executive and just no one needs to see that.
Chock gets the group-date rose, probably for the pelvic stuff, and Joan says her deepest connection right now is Chock. This all feels like the show is building to some kind of drama, and I genuinely thought it was manufactured and that Chock would be like, “My mother is sick and I must go,” when really he had an insurance meeting he couldn’t miss. But instead we learn his mother passed away early the next morning! I felt like a real dingus.
The men of the house are all very nice when he tells them, and we learn that this is the first parent he’s lost, which astounds me. No matter what age you are, though, it’s terrible to lose a parent, and Chock seems very shaken, despite knowing this was coming. He tells Joan this, and she does a good job responding and giving him a solid hug. She talks about being in another room nearby when her husband John passed. Not to get too deep in this Golden Bachelorette recap, but it seems like the anecdotal thing is true where people tend to pass when their family isn’t in the room, and hopefully people will know that and not feel intense guilt about not being there.
Joan has to go straight from this extremely sad conversation with Chock, which includes him leaving because he has to take care of things at home, to her one-on-one with Jordan! They go ice skating in what looks like the middle of a three-dimensional JCPenney photo backdrop. Jordan can’t think of anything he’s worse at than ice skating, and he falls multiple times, and hard, too. Joan eventually just tows him around. They talk about his divorce, and he says he and his three kids were living in a two-bedroom apartment in Wicker Park. As a Chicagoan, I will say that I know that was probably cramped, but the kids were living in a cool neighborhood. It feels like I’m describing a dream when I say, “And also, REO Speedwagon was there,” but they are! Right there at the skating rink! They sing “I Can’t Fight This Feeling,” which is an amazing song, and I fully support this cameo. Jordan gets a rose, and he and Joan kiss while I shout, “GET IT.”
The next day is Guy’s one-on-one. Guy gives me super-awkward energy, even though appearance-wise, he’s very “handsome doctor.” Whenever he interacts with people, he seems like he doesn’t quite know what to say and you just want to help him out. He wants to know what to say, and he’s here for whatever the group is doing (he sang “We Are the Mansion Men” with Kim!), but I would not want to have a solo convo with him. He and Joan cook together, by which I mean Joan cooks because Guy can’t even zest lemons. My wife cooks, and I know almost nothing about it, but I’ll tell you one thing: I know how to zest a lemon. Do you know why? You just take the lemon and you scrape it on a thing a bunch of times. You are a doctor, Guy. Get it together. Joan tells us that she can see Guy being a part of her life (Can you??), and he gets a rose. Guy says he has so many endorphins and a dopamine surge. Because he’s a doctor, you see. “Dopamine Surge” is my next dog’s name. I’ll call them “Dopey” for short.
At the cocktail party, Jonathan pulls Joan to have a Cheerios-sponsored date where they eat Cheerios. All I can think is how long did the Cheerios sit in the milk before they started eating, because those sog up real fast, and it goes from a 10/10 experience to a 1/10. They both compare morning routines and then cheers to Cheerios. Okay, guys.
Keith tells Joan how much the first-impression rose meant to him and mentions three times that he’s looking for more time with her. Keith! Calm it down! This is not how you win the Bachelorette. You are hassling her while she is juggling 11 men, down from 24. Also, her mom was just sick, and Chock left, and she feels guilt about her dead husband. There’s a lot going on. Keith knows he didn’t do a great job and goes into meltdown mode, telling Dan he shat the bed. It’s all right, Keith.
Okay, then Chock comes back during cocktail hour?? What! I have no idea how long he was gone or what happened. Are they burying his mother? I assume someone else is handling that? And the various legalities that he seemed to think he had to deal with? I am shocked that Chock’s departure was a fakeout and he is now back. I wonder if producers knew he was Joan’s top pick? What if the producers are handling the legalities? That’s so dark, producers! But I’ve seen half a season of UnREAL; I know what goes on.
For the rose ceremony, Joan only gives out four roses. Shit’s getting intense. Roses go to Pascal, Jonathan, Mark, and a very nervous Keith. So Gil, Gary, Charles, and Dan go home. CHARLES AND GARY. This week spelled the end for our personality men, except maybe Jonathan and Pascal. But I think we are all aware that without Gary and Charles, people are going to be politely sitting around, not doing tai chi or going on fun little drugstore outings with their wooden baskets.
Before this season started, I was worried about the camaraderie level in the house. During a Bachelorette season, you frequently have a few puffed-up men walking around, trying to intimidate others using techniques they learned through a paid video series. Not here! Gary tells us that the men call each other brothers and that he is a better man because of them. Garyyyyyyy! Joan tells Charles she loves him and that he’s changed her life. This is exactly what one should tell Charles. He says he arrived at the mansion with sadness, and all the men are gorgeous people and good friends. The men come outside and say good-bye to the ones departing, and Charles says it’s a different form of love, but he did find it. Awwwwwwwwww, Charles.
Golden Bachelorette Scoring
Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games” system of points, I will be doling out ten points, a gold star, and a thumbs-up every week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.
• Ten Points: To Jordan, because he’s from Chicago. I don’t make the rules — well, except here, where I definitely do.
• Gold Star: To Charles and Gary for existing.
• Thumbs-Up: To Cheerios. I really do love them.
• Pushed Into a Chocolate River: Chock’s pelvic thrusts.
