DEAR DEIDRE: I’M being forced to choose between my mother or my married lover.
My mum says she can’t have a relationship with me if I break up my lover’s marriage because she has a child. But whatever I do, I know I’ll be miserable.
I’m 33 and my lover is 36. My mum is 65.
A few months ago, I split up with my long-term girlfriend – whom my mum adored and thought I would marry.
Shortly after, I started seeing a lovely woman from work.
She’s in a very unhappy marriage with a man who treats her badly. The only reason she hasn’t left him already is because they have a four-year-old son.
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We’ve been seeing each other for six months, and I love her. The sex is great – so much better than with my ex partner – and I can really talk to her.
I’ve told her I will be there for her and her son if she leaves her husband. He’s a sweet little boy. I told my mum about my lover because I wanted her to know how happy she makes me.
Her reaction shocked me.
She said she didn’t want to know because she grew up as a stepchild, after her mum had an affair and remarried, and it ruined her childhood. Her stepdad was cruel to her and never treated her like his own.
She’s told me that she cannot accept my new relationship and if I continue, she won’t be in my life.
She doesn’t want to meet my lover.
This is so painful as I’m so close to my mum, but I also see a future with my lover.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your mother’s childhood experience has clearly had a very large and negative impact on her life, and she fears history will repeat itself.
She’s understandably worried about your lover’s small child, who is caught in the middle of this situation.
However, you are a grown man and have to make your own life choices, even if she disapproves.
It’s possible that if you and your lover settle down as a family, in time she will accept your relationship.
But your lover is still with her husband and you can’t know for sure that she will leave or that things will work out between you.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, may help you think things through.
You may have to accept your mum will never give you her blessing.
