Courtesy of Rachel Barehl
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jolie Steele. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I got married very young, soon after I turned 22. Over 12 years of marriage, my ex and I grew apart until I knew we had reached the divorce cliché: irreconcilable differences.
Despite my certainty, I felt very trapped and very scared. My husband was a physician and the main provider in our house. I owned a consignment shop but was making essentially no money. For a while, I wasn't sure I could leave the marriage because the finances were too daunting.
Finally, I worked up the courage. My husband and I separated our lives and our finances two years ago. Since then, I've been focused on rebuilding financially after divorce.
We worked with a mediator to facilitate the divorce. Our agreement included spousal and child support, which means I now have access to 40% of our combined income from the previous years. It was a drastic change, and I felt stressed at the start.
I adjusted my spending habits immediately. Luckily, I had some savings but didn't want to touch them. Instead, I cut expenses.
I canceled my gym membership and every subscription I had. I became the "no" queen, telling the kids we couldn't go to Wendy's for dinner or shopping at Target. The weeks the kids were with their dad, I ate whatever was on hand — like tuna and half-good produce — to save money on groceries.
I made those changes, but I was still hanging on to my idea of what life should look like. I was used to living a cookie-cutter, picture-perfect life. I now joke that I was kind of a snob. Doing something unconventional felt uncomfortable, but I realized I'd have to get uncomfortable to make my new life work.
As soon as I got divorced, I closed my consignment shop because I couldn't afford the monthly rent. I continued the business online, however, and converted my walk-out basement into a work area. I hosted pop-up sales, where my dedicated customers could shop in the basement space.
I also started renting out a room in our home (exclusively to women, for safety reasons). I rented to traveling healthcare workers and now host a college student. That rent covers about one-third of my mortgage. I told my kids that we had plenty of space, so we were going to host people who needed to travel for work. For them, I didn't frame it in terms of making money.
Although I always worked in some way, my work was seen as a hobby that always came second to my husband's career. I sacrificed a lot of my prime years and career trajectory because, at the time, I felt it was a worthy sacrifice for my family and our home life. Looking back, I was shooting myself in the foot because I had little traditional job experience to re-enter the workforce.
I applied for many jobs and started side hustles. I did freelance writing and created a paid Substack newsletter about divorce that generated a few hundred dollars each month.
Eventually, I was offered a full-time, in-person e-commerce position. The financial stability was tempting, but I turned it down because I didn't want to spend even more time away from my kids.
Instead, I took a financial risk and spent money to become a life coach. In the first few months, I made significantly more money than I would have in the role I turned down.
Receiving spousal support has become contentious as my life moves forward after divorce. At this point, I feel like it's more harm than help, so I'm negotiating an early end to those payments.
I am not entirely certain what life will look like without those payments. But over the past two years I've learned I can trust myself to provide for my family. I would rather pay the financial price and follow that self-trust than deal with contention.
