CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Sen. J.D. Vance, a former public affairs Marine, has reportedly secured a light-duty chit to avoid a high-stakes debate with retired Sgt. Maj. Tim Walz as both vie for the vice presidency.
The showdown between the two veterans—one a polished Yale graduate with a flair for bedazzled press releases and manicures, and the other a hardened NCO known for being a genuinely reasonable person and actual human being—was set to be the highlight of the campaign season. Seriously, popcorn sales have increased simply from mentions of a debate between the two POGs.
But in a move that has stunned political operatives and the veteran community, Vance has invoked the time-honored tradition of going to sick call to avoid what was sure to be a verbal bloodbath.
“No one should be surprised by this,” political expert Jon Stoneheart commented. “While Walz was a brief member of the E4 Mafia back in his day, Vance never left the Mafia, instead punching his ticket to remain an E4 for life under their blanket security program.” Little is known regarding the details of an E4 Mafia retirement package, though some scholarships include full-rides to Yale and book deals; even though most of the aforementioned book deals are taken by the SEAL community.
“Senator Vance’s old Public Affairs instincts kicked in,” said an anonymous staffer close to Vance’s campaign. “When you’ve spent your three-ish year Marine Corps career behind a desk, coordinating interviews and snapping photos, the thought of going toe-to-toe with a sergeant major who’s probably survived thousands of PowerPoint briefings—not to mention endless training scenarios in motor pools across the country—can be a little… intimidating.”
According to sources, Vance’s medical profile cites an acute case of “Debate Anxiety Related to Superior Military Experience,” a condition reportedly diagnosed by a retired Navy corpsman who “totally remembers” Vance from boot camp. The profile restricts Vance from engaging in any debates with personnel ranked sergeant major or higher.
“Sergeant Major Walz has that stare,” the staffer added, visibly shuddering. “The kind that makes you question every life decision you’ve ever made, even if you’re just sitting at the chow hall. We weren’t going to risk it.”
For his part, Governor Walz—who built his political career on the back of his National Guard service, as well as his humble civilian career as a teacher and football coach—was reportedly unfazed by the news. “Look, I’ve been smoked by Drill Sergeants and grilled by reporters. If Vance wants to sit this one out, that’s fine,” Walz said during a recent press conference, while casually polishing his old BDU boots. “But let’s be honest, he probably just didn’t want to stand at parade rest for two hours.”
Vance’s profile maneuver has sparked widespread debate, with some pundits praising Vance for his tactical withdrawal and others questioning his readiness for a role as demanding as the vice presidency.
“This is a new low,” said one political analyst. “Not in terms of the profile, but in terms of how much it reminds us that, deep down, all politicians might just be trying to avoid PT.”
Meanwhile, social media has exploded with memes and commentary, with veterans across the nation reminiscing about the last time they saw someone pull a profile to avoid duty—only to end up running laps after the sergeant major found out.
“Vance better hope Walz doesn’t decide to go all ‘old school’ on him,” one retired Master Sergeant tweeted. “He might find himself running a debate marathon instead of doing push-ups.”
