AUTHOR Lucy Cavendish, 57, knows first hand why falling for someone – even if it doesn’t turn into a full-blown affair – can destroy a relationship.
I HAD been with my partner for nine years when, one day, I looked out of the window and saw an incredibly handsome man walking past.
He had a dog, a big stick and lots of shaggy hair. He was physically imposing, but a friendly-looking figure.
When he looked up and saw me staring, I’m sure I blushed.
Not that he seemed to mind. He just gave me a huge wave and flashed a massive grin.
And that was it. My heart lurched and my pulse raced. I just knew that I had to be with him.
My partner and I were living in a small village in the Cotswolds with our two children and although we weren’t married, we were completely committed. Everyone called us husband and wife.
I thought I was happy, but looking back, I can’t have been — or I wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone else.
It was extraordinary, because I consider myself a rational person.
I also know, in my job as a relationship counsellor, that this sort of ‘chemistry’ should never be trusted. You know nothing about the other person, so how can you possibly fall in love at first sight?
But from that moment on, I was totally smitten.
An astounding 78.6 per cent of men have confessed to having had an emotional affair — in other words, a fling without any physical intimacy.
But an even greater number of women, 91.6 per cent, have done the same.
The object of my affection, Theo, and his wife, Emily, had just moved into our village and after bumping into them in the pub a few times with my partner, we soon became friends.
We’d go for dinners, take long walks together and have them over.
My partner sometimes worked nights in the healthcare industry and Theo would come over and cook for me and my kids, or we’d join him and Emily for dinner.
The more I got to know him, the more I felt he was the person I needed to be with.
I felt so seen and heard by him and realised that my relationship was lacking connection and communication.
Theo was kind, funny, giving and gentle. It was incredibly attractive.
Emily was lovely too and I liked her, which made my feelings for her husband even more difficult.
She wasn’t particularly adventurous, but I was — so Theo and I would take the children out together.
I felt such an intense emotional connection to him and crucially, he was paying attention to me and doing all the small things I wished my partner would, like cooking meals and putting the bins out.
He was also wonderful to my children and, as he and Emily had their own child, they became like an extended family.
I’ll admit I lost my head and found myself talking about Theo to pretty much everybody, which was incredibly indiscreet.
But it was like I was obsessed.
While people believe that emotional affairs are unthreatening, that is not the case
Lucy Cavendish
When my partner was working and Emily didn’t want to go out, Theo and I would go for a drink or to a social event together.
It made me feel as if we were a couple.
But boundaries were never crossed and there was no physical intimacy whatsoever, even though I wanted that.
This was an emotional affair and while people believe that emotional affairs are unthreatening, that is not the case.
Most men consider having sex with someone as an affair so consequently, do not view this emotional infidelity as an affair.
But for many women, like me, it is. My body wanted him — and my heart wanted him too.
If we’d have had sex, it could never have been a casual for me.
In my experience, both personally and professionally, women like to say they can have casual sex, but can’t help but get emotionally involved. It’s very messy.
At the root of an affair is that needs are not being met and for women it’s often that they’re not feeling emotionally supported and understood.
That’s why this connection with my neighbour felt like an affair.
All the elements were there.
I spent my life trying to find out how to be with him.
I changed how I looked, losing weight and getting my haircut and dyed to feel better about myself after years of pregnancy and maternity clothes.
I started caring about what I dressed like for the first time in years.
I opened up to him about my life and he was understanding and supportive, which is what I craved.
When I see couples for counselling, women often find an emotional affair — where they believe their partner has become close to another female — as upsetting and as much of a betrayal as if their partner had sex outside the relationship.
But in my experience, men find emotional affairs harder to understand. They believe they haven’t been unfaithful because it wasn’t physical.
It takes a while to get them to understand how upset and anxious their wife is.
SUDDENLY realising you have an emotional connection with someone can often come as a real surprise.
Here, relationship expert Kate Taylor reveals five tell-tale signs to look out for.
1. You see the world through their eyes – Everything about them seems interesting and cool, so you start copying their tastes – in music, food, films, TV.
2. You unconsciously dress for them – If they mention liking straight hair or tight jeans, you find yourself updating your look accordingly.
3. You have stopped arguing with your partner – In fact, it’s calmer at home than it’s been for years because you’ve emotionally checked out.
4. You enjoy sex more than ever – Your libido is on a high, but you don’t cuddle your partner afterwards and you turn your head when they kiss you.
5. You light up when you are together – And you hope strangers around you mistake you for a couple. In contrast, your real partner now feels more like a boring uncle or uncool mum.
Part of this sense of betrayal for the women is that they believe they should be the person their husband turns to.
There’s also a sense of threat.
My emotional affair seriously threatened my long-term relationship. I was putting energy, thought and care into another man who knew more about me than my own partner did.
It all came to a head when my partner confronted me. He accused me of having an affair. I confidently told him I wasn’t, but he asked me to stop spending time with Theo.
Later, once my partner had gone to work and Theo showed up for our daily walk, I told him and he sort of laughed it off.
He revealed that my partner had gone to talk to his wife, but she’d just told him to chill out and said nothing was happening.
She had ultimate faith in her husband and I was very confused.
In my mind, I’d created a world where the only reason he wasn’t leaving his wife was because it would be so painful.
It hadn’t occurred to me I was a symptom of something not right in their marriage but that fundamentally, they had a very strong union.
In the end it all came to a rather messy conclusion.
Being in a committed relationship is daily work and emotional affairs ARE still affairs
Lucy Cavendish
I got very drunk one night at a party and in the dark back garden I lunged at Theo and tried to kiss him. I blurted out how I felt, how special he made me feel and how wonderful I thought he was.
First he looked shocked, then he took my hand and gently told me that he loved his wife.
He said he would never do anything to hurt her and we could be no more than friends. It was clear he didn’t share my feelings.
Over time, we all moved on and I started seeing life a bit more clearly. My partner and I eventually broke up and we went on to have relationships with other people.
Theo and Emily are still married and I count them as my friends.
In retrospect I’m relieved we didn’t have a physical relationship. That would have hurt a lot of people. When I told my best friend about it at the time, she told me very strongly I needed to walk away.
“He will never leave his wife,” she said. “You will be blamed for everything.”
I was angry with her at the time because that’s not what I wanted to hear. But I now know that she was right.
This is what I tell couples I counsel — they need to work hard on communication and connection.
Being in a committed relationship is daily work and emotional affairs ARE still affairs.
Emotional infidelity has meaning. If someone gets close to another person, they are taking emotional support away from their marriage or long-term relationship.
And believe me, there’s always some form of sexual fantasy involved. This is why they are so dangerous.
The key thing is to be open and honest about it.
I wasn’t at the time. Now I know that if I ever felt this way again, I’d talk about it and move on.
*names have been changed
