Rumer Has It—‘It’ Being a New Lover!

Just under a month ago Rumer Willis, daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, and queen of the staged pap walk, announced that she’d split from her boyfriend, Derek Richard Thomas, who is also the father of her child. 

A follower on Instagram asked, “Are you and Derek still a couple?” to which she replied, “Nope I am single momming it and co-parenting.” She then added she was grateful for the relationship because it gave her her daughter, who is her greatest joy, etc, etc. Standard and courteous famous person breakup announcement fare. 

Well, yesterday, Rumer, was papped locking lips with a “mystery man” on the side of the street, according to Page Six. There are few greater pleasures in this cruel world than a natural and not-staged makeout session in broad daylight on the side of the road. And not just any road! But outside of a fire station. Hot! Literally! The unnamed man was also wearing a Los Angeles County Fire Department t-shirt. For the sake of romance, let’s not pretend there’s anything better he could be doing with his time right now. 

This brings me to my main point of even writing about this dalliance at all. The headlines about Rumer’s fling are severely lacking. Page Six simply wrote "Rumer Willis kisses mystery man after revealing Derek Richard Thomas breakup" and Daily Mail went with "Rumer Willis giddily makes out with tattooed mystery man in LA ." What happened to the art of seduction through puns and word play?! Is the written word dead?! Here are my suggestions.

• Rumer Has It — ‘It’ Being a New Lover!
• Mystery Man in Line at the Rumer Mill
• There’s a Rumer Running Around Town!
• This Rumer’s on Fire! Thank God She’s Dating a Firefighter!
• A Sultry Kiss With a Mystery Man, Just for Rumer’s Sake
• Rumer’s Running Wild!
• Hot New Rumer Alert — Willis Caught Smooching Firefighter!
• Rumers and Allegations That She's Seeing a New Man!

I’ll take my payment for these brilliant headline ideas in the form of one free paparazzi session in which they follow me around town looking fabulous. 

• A headline that made me slow down and go, “There are too many horrors in this world”: “Author Neil Gaiman won’t be at Jeff Bezos’ top secret Campfire literary retreat amid sexual assault allegations.” [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus has been sued, alleging her song "Flowers" is copying parts of Bruno Mars' "When I Was Your Man." There's gotta be enough room for two schmaltzy breakup songs in this town!! [Rolling Stone]
• David Beckham on making his hit docuseries with his wife, Victoria Beckham, that premiered earlier this year: "I hated almost every moment of making it." Awww. [Variety]