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Dear For Love & Money,
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. We're both in our mid-20s with good careers and solid incomes. We aren't ready to get married yet, but both agree that it will be with one another when the time comes. We are discussing moving in together sometime in the next year or so.
My mom is a little old-fashioned and has been upset with me for letting my boyfriend significantly influence my financial decisions. For instance, I recently bought a car, and he came with me to the dealership to help me pick out a new vehicle because while this decision doesn't impact him now, it will soon. And I didn't go on an expensive bachelorette trip because he asked me not to in order to save money for the house we want to buy together.
I haven't told my mom about us potentially moving in together yet because I know she will disapprove. She has said multiple times that a man should have no say in my finances until he's put a ring on my finger. She and my dad divorced years ago, and she always says it's because he was so controlling, so I think she's projecting a lot of her baggage onto me.
How do I explain to her that there is no right order for building a life with someone?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Two truths came to mind as I contemplated my response to your letter. One, your mom has hard-won life experiences to offer, and you would be wise to hear her out. Two, you're a grownup. Your finances are your own, and you can share them with whoever you wish. Your mom must accept this.
I don't think these two ideas are as incompatible as they may seem at first glance. While we all age out of our parents' authority, part of growing up is recognizing that somewhere in their crazy-making lectures, constant emotional intrusion, and nagging, our parents usually hold a treasure trove of life lessons worthy of our consideration. This doesn't mean we should outsource our decision-making to our parents for the rest of our lives. I've met many adults who do this, and no one involved ever seems happy with the results. Only that we shouldn't reject our parents' advice out of hand simply because they're "old-fashioned" or we think they're "projecting".
While you may be right on both counts, some principles are timeless, and anything can help us grow as people. Even another person's projection can be a great way of learning from their mistakes rather than making our own.
I agree with your mom that you should not allow someone to significantly influence your financial decisions until they've put a ring on your finger. For me, this isn't based on outdated notions of men purchasing authority over women with promises of provision. Instead, it's about nobody having a say over anyone else's finances until they have a genuine stake in them. Until someone has a personal investment, their interest is purely hypothetical.
You and your boyfriend chose this car together, but you alone will have to pay its insurance premiums, put new tires on it every few years, and drive it daily. Therefore, you should be the one who decides what considerations to prioritize in your selection.
You're the one who worked hard for your money. So, you get to choose how to spend it. You must decide between a fabulous trip or a couple of thousand dollars more in your savings account. After all, you're the one who will have to watch on social media as your friends have a blast on a bachelorette trip without you. Not your boyfriend.
Right now, these things may feel like noble sacrifices on the altar of you and your boyfriend's shared future, but that future life? That's also a hypothetical. I hope your plans unfold just the way you imagine they will. Someday, the car you drive and the number in your savings account will impact your boyfriend. But until then, don't rush to go Dutch on your independence.
You mentioned that your mom is projecting her history of a controlling marriage onto you. I'd like to suggest a counterpoint. Your mom knows how it starts. She has likely spent years diagnosing the disease that killed her marriage. She doesn't want this for you and your boyfriend.
However, this brings me to my second point: Your relationship is not your mother's to manage, even when she's doing it out of love. To own your life, you must own your choices. Neither boyfriends nor mothers are shareholders.
You asked me how you might explain your reasoning with your mom, but this is not your job. Instead, explain your boundaries. As painful as it may be for your mother to watch you make mistakes, they're yours to make.
You are an adult with a solid career and a steady income. You did that — not your boyfriend and not your mom. You can make your own choices, whether it's the car you buy or who you take with you to the dealership. Even if that's no one at all.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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