Here’s my problem with The Rings of Power. There is just not enough trade on this show. Not one man has inspired me to turn to my boyfriend and say, “It is he. He is my hall pass.” Every fantasy show should have at least one hall pass! Yes, there’s the dashing Charlie Vickers as “Halbrand,” but we all know how he turns out, and honestly, that’s a major turnoff. That only leaves us with Ismael Cruz Cordova as Arondir the Snack, but he’s so mopey that I just can’t with him. My fantasy man needs to serve Aries energy at all times.
Thus, The Rings of Power male cast is simply not it for me in terms of snackability. I also believe I’m not alone in this, so here are seven other fantasy series for you to watch if your idea of a good time is marrying a hot elf. I can guarantee that there are multiple hall passes in each of these shows.
*minor spoilers ahead*
The trade: Archie Renaux as Mal; Ben Barnes as the Darkling.
Why we like them (besides the obvious): As you can see, this list will include both younger and older men, because I’m feeling chaotic today and you deserve a range of options. Anyway, the handsome Mal has a raw quality to him on this show, giving brawny hunter-gatherer energy opposite the Darkling’s more erudite but equally snackable charms.
Overall Shadow and Bone snackability rating: 4 out of 10. (As you will see, other shows have a wider selection of snacks.)
The trade: Daniel Henney as Lan Mandragoran; Josha Stradowski as Rand al’Thor; Fares Fares as Ishamael.
Why we like them (besides the obvious): Lan and Rand are obvious choices, with their vibes that are somehow both alpha and omega. Fares Fares, on the other hand, is both mysterious and magnetic as the evil Ishamael, who’d give you the best and last one night stand of your life. (Because he’ll murder you afterwards.)
Overall Wheel of Time snackability rating: 6 out of 10. Would be higher if it didn’t involve certain death.
The trade: Fabien Frankel as Ser Criston Cole; Theo Nate/John MacMillan as Laenor Velaryon; Jefferson Hall as Daddy Tyland Lannister.
Why we like them (besides the obvious): I know you were expecting me to mention Daemon Targaryen, the “Internet’s Boyfriend,” but if you think about it, he’s worse than Criston Cole. He murdered his first wife, he groomed and manipulated Rhaenyra, and he selfishly led countless people to their deaths. Thus, I’m giving his spot to Fabien Frankel, who is abtastic enough to make up for the relative paucity of Laenor and Daddy Tyland on this show. His character’s still an ass, but who said you have to talk to your hall passes?
Overall House of the Dragon snackability rating: 7 out of 10.
The trade: Killian Scott as Daddy Orpheus (or just “Orpheus,” according to Netflix); Nahbaan Rizwan as Dionysus; and weirdly, Jeff Goldblum as Zeus?
Why we like them (besides the obvious): I’m just as confused as you are. Jeff Goldblum, despite being in his 70s, can get it? This man has more rizz than all 46 of our pre-2024 presidents combined. Maybe it’s his character’s pansexual flair that makes him more attractive, or maybe he can really just get it. Meanwhile, Dionysus is giving Queer King energy, and Daddy Orpheus is giving middle-aged Shawn Mendes.
Overall Kaos snackability rating: 5 out of 10, because I’m still confused.
The trade: Edward Bluemel as Lord Guildford Dudley; Henry Ashton as Lord Stan Dudley; Jordan Peters as King Edward VI; Joe Klocek as Fitz.
Why we like them (besides the obvious): To me, Edward Bluemel is like the male Anya Taylor-Joy: He has an unusual face, but I’m into it. On the other hand, his character’s brother, a.k.a. Lord Studley, is a blond himbo who’s great in the sack, while Jordan Peters serves sad boi realness as King Queer. Honestly, they can all get it, but once you add the King’s boyfriend, Fitz, to the mix, it’s over.
Overall My Lady Jane snackability rating: 8 out of 10.
The trade: Joey Batey as Jaskier; Royce Pierreson as Istredd; Henry Cavill‘s butt as Geralt of Rivia.
Why we like them (besides the obvious): Uh, hello, it’s Henry Cavill in leather pants. In addition to literally being as hot as Superman, he’s gruff and brusque, which screams “hard to get.” Meanwhile, Jaskier manages to be hot despite being annoying, mostly due to his queer makeover in Season 3 that pissed off just about every Very Online het male fan of the original Witcher books (score). Oh, and Istredd’s hypnotic eyes, I die.
Overall Witcher snackability rating: 5.5 out of 10, on account of not having more Istredd.
The trade: Joe Manganiello as Alcide Herveaux; Alexander Skarsgård as Eric Northman; Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse; Kevin Alejandro as Jesus Velasquez.
Why we like them (besides the obvious): This vampire-fantasy show was basically a seven-season-long supernatural orgy, with shirtless, muscular men regularly putting their stakes where they didn’t belong. All of this has combined to make True Blood the most snackable fantasy TV show in history.
Overall True Blood snackability rating: 10 out of 10.
