If you buy a carton of Vogue cigarettes to give out as party favors whenever you’re in France. You’re on the secret VIP tier of Opulent Tips.
↪ Then you might wear: Bottega Veneta Chain Pump, $1,350
If you used to run a successful street-style blog but now mostly consult. You still go to Lucien but privately think the rabbit has fallen off. Chloe Wise painted a portrait of you in 2018 holding a carton of sour cream.
↪ Then you might wear: Coperni Croco Bridge Cowboy Boot, $850
If you serve caviar on potato chips as an amuse-bouche at dinner parties (the rest of the food comes from Nobu — you’ve never turned on your oven). You sleep in a silk eye mask and a thick layer of Augustinus Bader.
↪ Then you might wear: Christian Louboutin Minny Maxi Strass, $2,995
If you are “always” running into Eric Adams at Zero Bond. You just broke up with your art adviser. You roll your eyes when a friend does Dry January.
↪ Then you might wear: Loewe Toy Ankle Bootie, $1,600
If you have a tooth gem, a Nikon Coolpix, and a Motorola Razr. (You wish you’d been born in the ’90s before cell phones existed.) You use a VPN to buy archival Helmut Lang from Berlin Craigslist.
↪ Then you might wear: Nike Shox R4, $150
If you are read up on New York public-nudity law — showing nipple is actually fine. You are a master at bartering for tattoos. You wore basketball shorts to meet your girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
↪ Then you might wear: Ruth Neubauer Utility Clog, $175
If you live for husk-cherry season (late August through late September). You tell anyone who will listen that Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring is woefully underrated. You’ve seen a ghost, but it didn’t bother you that much.
↪ Then you might wear: Madewell The Greta Ballet-Flat Mule, $98
If you wear either hyperlocal cotton basics or archival designer from Japan. You got poison ivy foraging but found some really great wild clay that you used to make bud vases. All of your friends are DJs, but you have a podcast.
↪ Then you might wear: Brain Dead x Oakley Factory Team Flesh Sandal, $165
If you are attending 17 weddings next year and they’re all in upstate New York. (Everyone’s getting Hasami plates as a gift.) The biggest compliment you can give a dessert is that it’s not too sweet. You put artichokes in flower arrangements.
↪ Then you might wear: Prada Flat, $1,370
If you found an unflattering story about yourself in Julia Fox’s memoir. Your diet is limited to French fries, oysters, clear liquor, and whole milk.
↪ Then you might wear: Fidan Novruzova Mule-Pump, $665
If you recently went on vacation to a Norwegian archipelago north of the Arctic Circle. Your daughter-in-law’s feelings about you are complicated, but it’s not mutual — you think she’s “lovely.”
↪ Then you might wear: Loro Piana Hiking Boot, $2,500
If you never break a sweat thanks to hundreds of units of underarm Botox. You’ve been approached by a Real Housewives casting director. You have a large collection of vintage George and Spy magazines and an even larger collection of vintage erotica.
↪ Then you might wear: Alaïa Calf-Hair Heel, price upon request
If you purged your home of plastics (other than your Dr. Dennis Gross red-light therapy mask). You were kicked out of the Park Slope Food Coop for having your staff cover your shifts.
↪ Then you might wear: The Row Hugo Slide, $990
If you lost track of which exes are still in love with you,but you know it’s a lot of them. You always run hours late and always show up with a bouquet from Kabuki.NY as an apology. You like your wine natural and your therapy Lacanian.
↪ Then you might wear: All-In Thigh-High Boot, $1,745
If you blow past your weekly little-treat budget by Tuesday but pretend not to notice. Your hair is perfect. You get into a massive fight with a different person yearly on your birthday.
↪ Then you might wear: Aeyde Gabriella Ballet Flat, $375
If you buy clothes to make content about them, which means you can write them off on your taxes, according to a TikTok you watched. A former roommate has taken you to small-claims court.
↪ Then you might wear: Balenciaga Alaska Fur High Boot, $1,950
If you own a vintage fondue pot and a ton of Dodie Thayer Lettuce Ware. A lot of people copy how you do your eyeliner. You like Joan Didion’s packing list, but yours is better.
↪ Then you might wear: Dior Belle-D Boot, $1,890
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