WASHINGTON — In a twist that has left the nation bewildered, Air Force One made an emergency landing at a Dairy Queen in Columbus, Ohio, on Monday.
Initial reports claimed the plane had been hacked, but the truth is far more surprising: President Joe Biden was behind the controls.
The 81-year-old Commander-in-Chief, long known for his cringe-worthy gaffes and ice cream obsession, has reportedly been using his remaining days as president to learn computer hacking, specifically to steer Air Force One toward his favorite dessert spot of Dairy Queen.
While many in the country have mocked the president for months about his memory lapses, Biden was busy learning Python, keeping him up “at all hours of the night.”
“Everyone thought he was just taking naps or watching Matlock reruns,” an anonymous White House aide revealed. “But no, the President was learning to hack into aircraft navigation systems. And why? Because nothing stands between Joe and a Blizzard®. Not even the safety or well-being of everyone on board. I mean, there were veterans on here today.”
Upon touching down, a grinning Biden made a beeline for the Dairy Queen counter, ordering a Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard® with extra fudge.
“Worth every minute, man,” he quipped to his bewildered Secret Service detail. “Now let’s skedaddle on outta here. Daddy needs his meds.”
Biden then stepped onto the plane and took off, leaving some of his staff holding Funfetti-dipped cones in the parking lot.
“I think the cones had fully melted before they realized he [Biden] had left them behind,” an eyewitness said. “It was like Afghanistan all over again.”
As news of the emergency landing sent shockwaves through Washington, his landing at Dairy Queen was met with a mixed response.
Republican presidential nominee and convicted felon Donald Trump quickly took to Truth Social, posting, “I ALWAYS KNEW CROOKED JOE WAS HIDING SOMETHING! Sad! When will KAMALALAMAMAMAMA (not black!) take over!?”
Vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance also offered his insightful take as a former Marine on the security situation: “Too bad he landed and it didn’t take out the Dairy Queen. Nobody likes that place anyway, and I would know because I have my thumb on the pulse of America.”
Upon returning to the White House, Biden was unfazed by the media frenzy that awaited him, with many asking where Vice President Kamala Harris stood on ice cream.
“Folks, I’ve spent decades in politics. Nothing beats a Blizzard® on a hot day,” he said, flashing his trademark aviator sunglasses. “And Kamala? She’s smart, she’s tough, and she can navigate a plane to DQ just as well as I can, and remind me again where we’re at?”
