The Venice Film Festival (the one with the boats) is in full swing and, so far, has featured Lady Gaga's engagement ring (nice!), Angelina Jolie's ex-husband and his new girlfriend (pass), and a 17-minute standing ovation for Julianne Moore and Tilda Swinton's new film, The Room Next Door (Jesus fucking christ).
That's a really long time to clap for something—some might even argue it's too long. But in the spirit of film festival season, where celebrities love to clap for as long as they can for their fellow celebrities, I thought what better way to scroll through red carpet looks than by determining whether they inspire me to stand up and make noise? Let's get into it...
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Wow! It's too bad outlets couldn't review this dramatic gown instead of reviewing the movie she's wearing the gown to promote.
Standing Ovation Meter: I would gladly stand for 20 seconds to applaud this gasp-inducing Dior haute couture ballgown.
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Cate Blanchett has worn, like, 37 looks so far, but this Louis Vuitton piece is, IMO, the most interesting and definitely the most asymmetrical.
Standing Ovation Meter: Three-second standing ovation.
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Out of respect for us all, I am not including the photo where Amal and George pose with Brad Pitt and his girlfriend, Ines de Ramon. But the Clooneys look lovely, even if Amal's gown kind of gives me 2009-prom vibes.
Standing Ovation Meter: Four claps.
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I am baffled by the fur, but, she looks like she could have you murdered with one small, subtle nod—which is exactly how I'd want to look if I had to be at the same film festival as my (allegedly) abusive ex-husband and his new 34-year-old girlfriend...
Standing Ovation Meter: 15-second standing ovation!
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The perfect gown for stocking up on free hors d'oeuvres and tiny champagne bottles to enjoy throughout your evening.
Standing Ovation Meter: 11 claps (but only if Sweeney properly utilized the huge bags on her hips).
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I gasped!
Standing Ovation Meter: At least a five-second standing ovation.
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I'm often annoyed by celebrities, but I'm always impressed when celebrities get the wind to work in their favor.
Standing Ovation Meter: Another "at least a five-second ovation."
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I love this dress because it's a great green, but also because it couldn't decide if it wanted to be a pleated dress, a sheer dress, or a curtain tassel dress, so it decided to be all three. Crippling indecision is always relatable.
Standing Ovation Meter: A slight, thoughtful head tilt, with a thumbs up and a smile.
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Lili looks stunning, but the dress looks heavy as hell and the bottom half is giving "grandma's vintage, embroidered, beaded clutch," which can sometimes be a good thing, but, unfortunately, I mean it as a bad thing.
Standing Ovation Meter: A monotoned "get it girl" and a chair.
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It looks like the dress is eating her, which is fun.
Standing Ovation Meter: Two seconds, four claps.
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A hot, mischievous angel—a look that not enough people are going for these days.
Standing Ovation Meter: Five seconds.
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Hm. OK! Interesting.
Standing Ovation Meter: Saying "Good for her!" to your friend.
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Exciting! Daring! Stunning! Favorite look of the entire festival.
Standing Ovation Meter: Forty-second standing ovation, the longest ovation of this list so far!
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I'd rather she wear one million heavy, overly embroidered dresses than this boring, blue velvet number.
Standing Ovation Meter: The meter shuts itself off in order to conserve its battery.
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This is one way to power clash. Another way would be to actually coordinate your outfits just a little bit if you and your co-star are planning to hold hands and pose together.
Standing Ovation Meter: Unclear, because Tilda absorbed any sound of applause with her mind as Julianne hugged everyone.
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Give me a black, sequined, strapless jumpsuit without roses around the hips any day of the week. But I'll accept the roses this one time.
Standing Ovation Meter: At least one gasp and an eight-second ovation.
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Cate also wore this shoulder choker thing at the Cannes Film Festival—where she was not making a political statement on the red carpet, OK?—and it didn't really do anything for me. And it's not doing anything for me now, either.
Standing Ovation Meter: Two half-hearted claps.
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This deserves a quick "wow" and then a quick Google of Sadie's age. (She's 22 and, unfortunately, like all the 20-something celebs nowadays, looks older...)
Standing Ovation Meter: A quick "wow" and then a quick text to your group chat to ask how old they all think Sadie is.
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The structured neck? The diamonds? The gloves? I've said it a million times before, but Isabelle is exactly who I want to be when I'm older, when I'm a ghost, and when I'm reincarnated.
Standing Ovation Meter: 20 seconds.
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If you're going to wear clusters of shrinking polka dots...don't!
Standing Ovation Meter: A small acknowledging nod.
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Perfect. Zero notes.
Standing Ovation Meter: Many, many cheers.
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This makes me think of a jellyfish, a funky alien, or the aftermath of a scene from Oppenheimer...
Standing Ovation Meter: 13 claps.
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Cate clearly loves her shoulders and wants them adorned and accentuated. Sure!
Standing Ovation Meter: An enthusiastic, "Nice!"
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I dislike the color, but I do like the diamond chest plate.
Standing Ovation Meter: Just a thumbs up.
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A pale pink gown did not work for Anne Hathaway on the Oscars red carpet in 2013, and I think that should have served as a lesson to all future celebs that pale pink should not be worn on a red carpet, ever.
Standing Ovation Meter: Nothing, sorry.
Alright, no one got a 17-minute standing ovation for their red-carpet look, but the festival's not over yet...
