DEAR DEIDRE: SLEEPING in separate beds – sometimes with our children – has put paid to our sex life.
My wife hasn’t been interested in intimacy for years and won’t discuss it. It feels like we’re flatmates, not partners.
I’m 46 and she’s 44. We have three children, aged between 11 and 7.
She stopped wanting sex after the birth of our youngest child.
A couple of years ago, she said she’d feel more comfortable with her own space, and moved into the spare room to sleep.
I know lots of couples sleep apart and don’t have sex, but our situation is different.
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She has always encouraged the kids to sleep in bed with us, and they still clamber in most nights, which makes sex impossible.
When I try talking to her about it, she just brushes me off. She’s always tired, or busy, or out.
She says she loves me but has no interest in a physical relationship at all, and likes to be independent.
She wants to continue to be a family, but I feel this is just for the kids’ sake.
I need more. I don’t want a platonic relationship.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your wife has checked out of your marriage, both physically and emotionally, and expects you to accept this.
Explain how important intimacy is to you. Ask if she’ll consider couples counselling – my support pack about this will tell you more.
Having the children sleep in your beds seems like a convenient way of avoiding sex.
They are old enough to be sleeping independently, and should be encouraged to do so.
If she won’t consider discussing these issues, it may be time for you to put your own needs first and consider leaving.
