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Dear For Love & Money,
My adult son graduated from college and recently started a family. My husband and I were diligent about teaching our children financial responsibility. My older children took these lessons to heart, but not my youngest.
I don't know exactly how much he and his wife make, but I know from their job titles they don't make as much as they spend. It's neverending — vacations, concerts, and new toys.
The worst, latest culprit is a pickup truck — we offered to sell him a used Toyota Camry that would meet all his needs, but he spent $70,000 on a truck. I know the truck cost that much because he bragged about it to his dad after he turned down our offer to sell him the Toyota for a great price.
We made that offer because we are worried about his financial choices, but we don't feel comfortable coming out and telling him that spending $70,000 on a truck when you're anything less than a millionaire rancher is a stupid thing to do.
How do we tell him and his wife to slow down? Should we just mind our own business until he's drowning in debt? He might be an adult, but he'll always be my son, and it hurts me to watch him go down this path.
Sincerely,
Once a Worried Mom, Always a Worried Mom
Dear Worried,
I have spent the last four years of my life learning everything there is to know about getting into an Ivy League school, because my driven A+ daughter wants to attend Harvard. I've ensured both of us are doing everything possible to improve her chances.
But my daughter is in 7th grade. At any point in the next six years, she could meet a guy she can't bear to leave, decide to skip college altogether, or follow her high school friends to a state school. Even writing these things is semi-devastating. If there was ever a middle-class, public school kid from the suburban Midwest with a chance at Harvard, it's my daughter. I don't want to see her waste her talent. I don't want to see her sacrifice her dreams on the altar of a relationship or compromise her future for a passing fancy.
If she chooses to do these things, however, there's nothing I can do. This is her life. And while I can encourage and support her as hard as I can in the direction I think she should go, chances are, all that will do is alienate her. But knowing this doesn't make it any less painful. As Elizabeth Stone wrote, "Making the decision to have a child … is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." All we want for our hearts walking around out of our bodies is safety, happiness, and success. Nothing will change that. Nothing should change it.
And yet, something must temper it, because our children aren't actually our hearts. They aren't extensions of us at all. They are whole human beings who deserve to choose their own paths and make their own mistakes. Even $70,000 mistakes. Even $70,000 mistakes that end up with upside-down mortgages and repo men in the driveway.
Your son deserves the opportunity to make his own choices, but even if he didn't, he will anyway. He's an adult with a job that at least made a bank think he could afford a $70,000 car loan. You asked me, "Should we mind our business until he's drowning in debt?" And the hard truth is, there's nothing you can do regardless. A stern talking-to from his parents, being asked gentle, probing questions, receiving a passive-aggressive pile of cautionary tales in his inbox — none of it will save him if he's made up his mind. And having already purchased this $70,000 truck, his mind seems pretty made up.
None of this is to say you shouldn't offer your wisdom, but take care not to frame it as criticism. Instead, share the experiences that taught you the importance of frugality and the danger of taking out unnecessary, gargantuan loans. Don't mention it in reference to your son's truck or spending habits but in the casual course of reminiscing or being vulnerable about your current finances.
And as scary as it may be to watch, take heart in your own words: "My husband and I were diligent about teaching our children financial responsibility." Trust this. If your other kids picked up on the lesson, be assured your son did too. He may be one of those people who has to learn the hard way. And possibly, he makes much more than you realize. One of the wealthiest people I know told me he "lays tile" for a living — his humble way of describing his role as the CEO of an extremely successful tile company. Your son might be really good at investing. The truth is, unless he tells you how much he makes, you don't know.
If he makes more than you realize, remember that your belief that only a "millionaire rancher" should buy a $70,000 truck is a personal opinion. For many people, travel, early retirement, or a palatial home is the goal. For others, it's a brand-new pickup truck. You see cars as a mode of transportation; perhaps for your son, it's the dream of a lifetime.
Then again, maybe your read on this situation is 100% accurate, and he is heading for financial disaster. As painful as it may be to watch him fail, remember he has you. As parents, we can't save our children from pain, hardship, and embarrassment, but we can make sure we're there to catch them when they fall. And with you as a safety net, how hard can he land?
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
This article was originally published in December 2023.
