DEAR ABBY: My husband tells his mother where we plan to go and what we plan to do on our “date nights.” On several occasions, she has actually shown up.
She pretends to be surprised when she sees us, asking us “what we’re up to.” She doesn’t try to sit with us or hang around, thank goodness, but she’s there, watching and listening from a short distance.
She has never liked me, and I suspect this is another of her passive-aggressive ways to get under my skin.
The date nights are an active effort to try to save our marriage. The first time she showed up, I told my husband I didn’t like it and that it better not happen again. He assured me it wouldn’t.
I also asked him to stop telling her where we’re going and what we’re going to do. He hasn’t done that.
He says he “can’t” tell his mother to leave because it’s a public place, and she has every right to be there, too. What should I do?
— HAD IT IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR HAD IT: If you and your husband are serious about saving your marriage and not yet in marriage counseling, start talking with a licensed marriage and family therapist now.
Your husband appears to be a man who can’t say no to his mother. Your MIL does have a right to patronize any restaurant she pleases, but she should not be hovering over your shoulders. A therapist may be able to help you get that message across to your husband, whose priorities appear to be skewed.
In the meantime, you should take charge of your date nights. Make the reservations and tell no one where you are going — even your husband.
DEAR ABBY: Because of my friendship with her mother — we were never married — I have been around “Kendra” since she was 4 and I was in my mid-20s.
Kendra is 36 now and has an 8-year-old son. She lives with her boyfriend, who is the father. They are not married.
I am 59. I have a great relationship with her.
For some reason, over the past four months, my feelings for Kendra have grown into an infatuation. I mean, I have always loved her, but now I wish I was with her. I want to be with her.
My feelings are so strong, I would even marry her. I know she loves me, but I doubt in the way I love her now.
I don’t want to destroy what we have, but it’s killing me that I can’t be with her. I have jealous feelings like a kid. I love her very much and would never do anything to hurt her.
I guess I’m just a stupid old man thinking this way, but I can’t help it. I can honestly say I’m in love with her. I am confused about what I need to do.
— LOVING HER IN THE EAST
DEAR LOVING: What happened four months ago that changed your feelings about Kendra from the paternal ones you have felt for the last 32 years?
If you express to her the (lustful) feelings you are harboring, you will blow the entire family apart.
An appropriate place to examine your feelings would be in the office of a licensed psychotherapist. Please don’t wait.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
