Americans are known for their work ethic. In fact, many people from other countries say that we work too hard. Of course, that’s not our fault; that’s the invisible hand of capitalism slapping us in the face every time we seek work-life balance. Or, as the great poetesse Dolly Parton once put it, “It’s a rich man’s game no matter what they call it / And you spend your life puttin’ money in his wallet.” Facts are facts, America! That said, some workplaces are more toxic than others, and to that end, I’ve ranked seven workplace shows by how likely their work culture would ruin my life. Now, get back to work! Wait, no! I meant later. Read this first.
Workplace: Subject to change, but always somewhere vaguely French and related to marketing.
Nature of work: Sporadic tweeting; declining important calls; attending long business lunches where it is forbidden to discuss business.
Employee benefits: A lifetime supply of unhinged couture outfits.
Likelihood that I would quit: 1/10. Emily has hit the jackpot of jobs! She never has to work, but can still afford to day-drink Dom Pérignon.
Workplace: Just imagine the most boring office space you can think of. It’s that.
Nature of work: Smile; make occasional sales; stare into space.
Employee benefits: A general atmosphere of tomfoolery; also, several un-self aware employees who provide endless entertainment.
Likelihood that I would quit: 2/10. As long as I could keep pulling pranks on Dwight, I’d stay forever.
Workplace: A claustrophobic writer’s room that probably smells like Cheetos.
Nature of work: Brainstorming new ways to humiliate a narcissistic blonde woman; occasionally visiting the set of a sketch comedy show; hurling insults at an arrogant, possibly sadistic CEO.
Employee benefits: Weekly cheese plates; an endless supply of pencils.
Likelihood that I would quit: 4/10. If it weren’t for the endless writing opportunities, this would be toxic to a T.
Workplace: A warmly decorated if ordinary governmental office in the City Hall of Pawnee, Indiana.
Nature of work: Coordinate inter-department communication; avoid Councilman Howser; endure the regular screams of unhappy citizens.
Employee benefits: 401k; free rein to pick on Jerry.
Likelihood that I would quit: 5/10. If it weren’t for the solid salary and benefits, I would probably pull a Mark and leave after two seasons. Sorry, Leslie! You’re amazing, but you make everyone do, like, work.
Workplace: A Philadelphia public school prone to health violations and mass chaos.
Nature of work: Just get through the day.
Employee benefits: A chance to make a difference? I feel like they’re always complaining on this show, though, so idk.
Likelihood that I would quit: 7/10. This job would be so stressful. In addition to encountering pushback from all sides, you’d have to answer to a principal who cares more about TikTok than doing her job. Actually, give me her job. Then no one would expect me to do any work.
Workplace: One of the most disaster-prone hospitals in the entire United States.
Nature of work: Fall in love with your patients; fall in love with yourself; fall in love with each other. Also medicine sometimes.
Employee benefits: A vibrant learning environment in which mistakes are seen as learning opportunities since no one ever sues this hospital.
Likelihood that I would quit: 8/10. The only thing keeping this from becoming a 10/10 is all of the sex that I would have.
Workplace: A luxury hotel frequented by the most entitled people you’ll ever meet.
Nature of work: Fetch towels; arrange deep-tissue massages; lie through your teeth.
Employee benefits: Multiple daily opportunities to reflect on how your life came to this.
Likelihood that I would quit: 10/10. If the regular on-site murders didn’t make me quit, then it would be the multiple accounts of sexual harassment and elitist requests. I mean, I guess it would be cool to see a whale every now and then, but let’s be clear: No job is worth becoming a target of the Gay Italian Mafia.
